Thursday, September 07, 2006

Funny Human Things

I’m sure all of your humans do some of these things. If they do other things, please post a comment and let us all know. Not only can we share intelligence and overcome some of these obstacles, but we can make fun of the humans while we’re at it.

1.) Putting food in the microwave (small food safe) or oven (big food safe).

My humans put things that can’t be guarded into the “food safes” to keep us from getting it. Mostly its food items, such as the boxes of pizza the delivery guy we can never attack delivers, or the hunan food that the other guy we can never attack delivers. Sometimes its food the human woman cooks. A lot of the time they forget its in there, which means it gets thrown out. I fail to see why they do that, then throw the food out, when all they had to do was give it to us in the first place, and then food wouldn’t go to waste. Humans are such wasteful creatures.

2.) Baby Gates

While I their attempts to “keep us safe” by making sure we don’t dash out the door, the use of baby gates throughout this house is embarrassing. Its like a maze of baby gates going on around here. One for the computer room (so Sam doesn’t pee on the expensive computer gear in there), one for the top of the stairs (to keep us from making a dash out the front door). One in front of this thing called a shredder (so we don’t stick our tongues in the slot, and frankly who would want to stick their tongue in something called a “shredder” but unfortunately that appears to happen to more than one dog, therefore, I guess necessary... unless they’re shredded cheese in it, and in that case my tongue is in there). One downstairs in the room that use to be our spacious crate area and all around riccochet room, but is now a “photo studio”.

3.) Simple Human Trash Cans

The scourge of all dogs, the impenetrable and evil simple human trash cans. Well named, because humans are a very simple lot, but whoever developed this devious and clever device should be banished from this husky earth. While some are easy to open with a flick of the nose, the butterfly model is totally unbreakable, impossible to open, and a menace to table scraps. No more simply dumping the trash over and picking through it, this thing keeps its goodies safe until the humans dump it out. Torture.

4.) The Dyson Vacuum

We spend a lot of time cultivating nice bunches of fluff to deposit on the carpet and mark that territory as our own, and along comes this piece of purple junk. Even the most hidden hair is removed with surgical precision, every crack and crevice hair is sucked up, and (the gall of them) its attachments work just as well, ridding our dog beds (our sacred spots) of our glorious fur.

5.) Champion Canine harness and seatbelt system

This well sewn, double clasp, double d-ringed super-duper adjustable harness makes it nearly impossible to escape. Add the bullsnap leash, the walking belt with locking caribiner, and the seatbelt holder and you’ve got a lot of work to struggle out of that mess in order to make a clean get away. Agent Mutatoe Loki has reported that you can simply back out of the harness with a decent enough tug in a playbow position in order to get it out from under your legs... BUT, on further inspection, the human realized that his harness was not properly adjusted due to some porky Loki weight gain, which allowed the escape. She adjusted the harnessed appropriately, and once again, he’s trapped in that harness vice grip. Of course, the humans look like total tards walking around with all their gear on but they don’t seem to care, as long as we’re trapped and unable to sprint to freedom and rummage around in stranger’s trash cans.

6.) Quikrete and Chicken Wire

If you see your human digging a little trench near the fenceline, kiss your dig escapes good bye. A trench, layer of chicken wire, quikrete, water, and you have a barrier even the best digger can’t get through. If they’re really tricky, the humans will even dig under the fenceline and squish that quikrete stuff under the fence, making it even more of a challenge that will dull your best digging claws. If they’re really mean, they’ll also spread your own poo on your favorite digging spot to deter your rightful trenching. Come on! You don’t see us spreading their poo around our cushy pillows to keep that dyson from sucking up our lovely fur!

7.) Walkway pavers, padlock, other barriers on gate

If your humans are like mine, they’re really into the whole overkill of caution. We have a gate. Although the humans don’t think we know there’s a door in the fence, we know it, and have tried our best to use that as an escape conduit. This resulted in them stacking bags of rocks on both sides of that fencing section, quikreting and chicken wiring it, then sinking walkway pavers under the gate to keep us from digging there, a padlock (and they keep the key too high for us to reach), a board, and half a large crate top in front of the actual gate. Ok, we’re devious, but even we think that’s a bit of overkill.

8.) Constant Monitoring

Not one second of the day passes where we aren’t monitored in some fashion. I know death row prisoners (not personally) with less restrictions and more privacy than we have. They aren’t obvious (except that we can smell them even when they think they’re hiding), and will sneak and look at us from behind the back door, or sneak onto the deck and peer down at us, or look out windows. Its very hard to get any constructive digging, chewing of “bad” things, or grub eating done without them telling us to stop. Sometimes we hide. We see them peering out the upstairs window, then go to the spots where they can’t see us. We judge the time it will take them to rush downstairs and peer at us from the backdoor and scurry over to a tree where they can’t see us from the back door. Then they’ll come rushing out frantically, and we rush out laughing and leaping with joy because we made them freak out.

If your humans have other ridiculous methods to limiting your freedoms, let the group know. If you have any solutions to the problems above, also let me know.

(a husky can’t even stretch without getting the evil human eye)


hollybollyboo said...

Don't forget the awful furminator, which de-fluffs us! My humans also keep all the food shut away. They keep the yummy canned food shut in the kitchen cupboard, and they keep the crunchy dry food shut away in the pantry. We haven't figured out how to open all the doors yet, but we keep a close eye just in case.

Cairo The Boxer said...

I can't speak about the Dyson but my parents got an Oreck. That darn thing makes a noise that I hate. I want to kill the vacuum!

As for baby gates. Our parents must think alike becuase I have a maze in my house too!

Oh well at least we have a blog to vent.

Charlie The Big Dog said...


I thought Tubey would have been all over this, so in his absence:



Charlie The Big Dog said...


We lost Steve Irwin on Monday, and today we lost Peter Brock. (For those who dont know him, Peter Brock is to Australian Car Racing what Michael Jordan was to American Basketball).
Two Australian Icons in one week - Meeshka, I say this with tongue firmly in jowls, its time for hime to go!!!

Luv Chuck-Z

Opy - the Original GruffPuppy said...

Yep, I hate to say it - but I agree with Charlie on this one - send Uncle Jack back home !

On another note - glad to hear Loki's butt problem is getting better. I am sure that you are looking after him :-)


Dusty Doodles said...

You forgot zappy wire. Doodles hates zappy wire. Around our whole property we have zappy wire. So, IF we manage to escape from our pens and try to make a run for the high country we have to contend with the zappy wire on the perimeter fence. Zappy wire hurts and Doodles doesn't like it. You should ban zappy wire Meeshka.

T.W. said...

I'm not from Australia, but I agree with Charlie and Opy. Send Uncle Jack back home!

I'm also glad to hear Loki is feeling better. Look after him!

T.W. from Virginia

Turbo the Sibe said...

Charlie was right to quote me...

So I'll specifically say that the presence of a shredder in a husky house is very STUPID!

cyber-sibes said...

Dear Meeshka,
I think when we cleverly catch something tasty, like a squirrel, rabbit, or possum, the humans should stop doing their "EEWWWWWW" dance and just let us eat in peace. What's the big deal?

Star and Sherman

Opy - the Original GruffPuppy said...

Hey Meeshka,

As special friends of Charlie and Opy - and DogsWithBlogs - you are invited to appear in the 2007 DogsWithBlogs calender. Please go here - for further details. Hoping you will participate.


Cal the Wonderdog said...

You are so on. There is a new device my humans just put in the kitchen recently after the addition was finished. An automatic laser motion garbage can! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! They step in front of it, throw yummy stuff in and right when you put your nose near it . . .

It SNAPS! shut, scaring you like crazy!!!

I'm afraid it will attack me if I walk by it so I give it a wide berth, I tell you . . .


Charlie The Big Dog said...

Baby Gates?

Thats Bill and Melinda's Kid Right?


IndyPindy said...

At my grandparets house there is a fence with gates. Since I, the oh-s0-smart Husky, have figured out how to open the gate latches, my silly mom insisted on going to the hardware store and getting heavy duty chains and carabiners to keep me from opening the gates and getting out.

Jeez - they never let me do anything!

The Army of Four said...

Meeshka, I curse that $200 trash can your biped encouraged mine to get! I woo the day the UPS lady brought that thing. Though she did scratch my ears...

Macie-Malechai said...

Our humans have upgraded all of our baby gates to these bis steele prison looking things that no matter how we try, we can not jump over or push down! We have 3 of them in our house, kinda funny though, they're always cussing them! They also did the chicken wire-concrete thing before they ever got us, they had to "build" a yard just for us, makes it really hard to get out, that stuff is murder on our beautiful little paws! The poo spreading thing is just gross, hope our parents never get wind of that idea!