Saturday, May 22, 2010

I Want Food NOW!


Now to show my disgust over having to wait for dinner, I'll fling a Kong throughout the house and complain.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Fur Trafficking

I have been inundated with e-mails about the latest "thing" to help soak up all of the oil that's leaking out of some burned down platform in the south.

Apparently stupid humans blew up a stupid oil rig and now oil is leaking out of the bottom of the ocean and threatening to pollute a whole bunch of land.  In case you weren't aware... we all live above oil.  It leaks out all the time, seriously.  Even this "green" know-it-all page says so, but they seem to act as though it would all stop if we didn't use oil, um, no probably a whole heck of a lot more oil would leak out if we were sucking it up and using it, but hey, whatever.  If you want to find out just how much oil seeps from the ocean, go check out this all scientificky page and learn (among other things) that  "Santa Barbara seeps, for example emit 5,280 to 6,600 gallons (nearly 20 to 25 tons) of oil per day, and natural seeps have been active for hundreds to thousands of years".

Fine, the one in the south is pretty dramatic (because it was a man-made thing, not a natural thing, much like humans freak out about their car exhaust causing global warming, but a volcano spewing more noxious fumes than any humans could produce in a zillion years DOESN'T contribute to global warming) and therefore, if its a man-caused disaster (not to be confused with man-caused disasters that blow up innocent women and children) then man has to fix it... and therefore they are stealing our furs.

Someone has figured out that furry creatures (seals, birds, polar bears, Ron Jeremy, etc.) simply attract oils.  They are forever cleaning us off with Dawn dishwashing liquid (gratuitous plug there, thanks in advance for the cases of freebies you'll be sending me), and sending us back into the wilds... only to become covered in oil from some natural seepage, but screw us them, that's nature.

Putting 2 + 2 together, the humans have figured out that if they take animal and human furs, they can stuff all that fur in a nylon and sop up the oil.  BRILLIANT... except for that part where they try to figure out what to do with tons and tons of oil soaked furs in nylons without harming the fragile eco-structure... like... burning it in cars or or something.  I would imagine that the smell is something to behold.  Imagine wet dog smell... now imagine wet oily dog smell.  How about tons and tons of wet oily dog smell after weeks in hot sun.  Glorious!

So, since humans are so incredibly stupid, I will give them the answer they need to produce a very cheap, "green", reusable, earth friendly way to sop up the oil:

Squirrels.

Tie a rope around a squirrel, dip it into the oily water so its furs will suck up the oil.  Bathe squirrel in dawn dishwasing liquid (its gently on your hands, not the grime), throw squirrel back into oil.

See how easy that is?

In the meantime, leave my furs alone, I'm using them to entice birds to build nests from my furs nearby so that during fledgling season, there are plenty of quick squeeky toy tasty treats falling from the sky.

Meeshka