We all know that Sam is a mess... been that way since he was born.
He's got a bionic hip on the left side.
He had spine surgery to remove a ruptured disc, so that means he has no spine.
He's got something holding his left knee together (we think it's dental floss)
His other knee is also blown, but he's not a good candidate for surgery now.
One side grew longer than the other so he always looks like one side is walking on the curb, the other side on the street.
He's been going in for laser treatment and massage every other Friday (we think he's out gambling at the local casino).
Recently he started having small nosebleeds when he's stressed out (hates the stairs, will bleed if you try to make him walk down them). After further, extensive, and expensive tests... nobody could figure out why. No tumors, no nothing up the nose, no reason.
Fast forward to the second week of June 2015.
The Human Man had to go into the hospital to have some parts removed and other parts refitted. The Human Woman had to deal with running to the hospital to visit him, then run home to untangle Sam from whatever he got caught up in (it's his favorite game: ooze off the bed and freak out the Human Woman) for a few days until the Human Man came home to recover.
Then it was Human Woman running to help Sam, then the Human Man, Sam, Human Man, Sam, Mutatoe and I when we'd pitch a fit for not getting sufficient attention.
This was all great fun as we're pretty sure the Human Woman was at the breaking point, so Sam upped his game.
Two days after the Human Man returned, we had been banished into the guest room so we wouldn't stomp on him (they know how to ruin all of our fun). The guest room isn't comfy, even though all of our dog beds were in there. Sam was particularly peeved because the guest bed isn't a sleep number bed and feels like you are sleeping on a rock.
To show his displeasure, he woke the Human Woman up in the middle of the night by bleeding profusely out of his nose and spraying the guest room so it looked like a crime scene.
The Human Man was pretty much worthless, as he was on really strong pain killers (even better than ours) and can't lift things that weigh more than a kleenex (mmm tasty kleenex), so there was a bit of freaking out involved, we got escorted to our crates and Sam carried out to go to the Vet ER.
Apparently Sam has high blood pressure. Normal dog blood pressure is around 80, and Sam's was 190. Apparently Sam has a thin mucus wall that explodes when his blood pressure goes through the roof. So, the next day he came home, totally drugged up to help lower his blood pressure, and keep him quiet for a bit.
It was at this point that the Human Woman lost her mind. The entire living room was moved around so that it would fit a queen sized Aerobed for Sam.
We all spent the nights in the living room and not the guest room (frankly I felt this was a step up because I got my air vent back) Then she realized that if Sam moved toward the back, they couldn't reach him, so she ordered two twin sized ones. One for his day bed, then she'd put the other down to sleep next to him at night (or rather, for us to claim and leave her sleeping on a dog bed).
Then she realized the aerobeds aren't comfortable, so those got deflated and Sam got a Temperpedic mattress topper, and she slept on dog beds (and we slept on her).
While the Human Man was home recuperating, he curled up on the incredibly uncomfortable loveseat to watch over the other patient.
Then she realized that the Temperpedic topper wasn't cushy enough, so she got an Ikea egg crate foam twin mattress.
Then Sam oozed off of that, so she rearranged the living room again and used dog beds to bolster the Temperpedic, butted it up with the Ikea mattress, used 35 pool noodles to cover every possible hard surface nearby, with more dog beds as buffer zones and blankets to keep legs from getting caught between anything.
You can clearly see, she's stark raving mad.
He still has issues, and he's getting a loading dose of Adequan to see if that will help his creaky bones, but needless to say, every time he wants to get up, he honks and the Human Woman comes running.
He sure does know how to milk a situation.