Saturday, July 08, 2006

Dog Secrets Revealed

I keep reading stories about these hero dogs that alert people when they're sick or about to have a seizure, or when someone falls they run for help. I feel compelled to reveal the hidden agenda of these dogs, and although I applaud their efforts (not for the reasons the humans applaud them though), they pose a great risk to those of us who don't feel as compelled to get things as they do.

Here's the secret: they do it for food.

While us every day dogs wait for something to be dropped, or manage to be all cute and fluffy and compel our humans to just hand us human food because we are so cute and fluffy, some dogs don't have that talent. They wait for the humans to be sickly, then take advantage of it, which is misinterpreted by the humans as an act of heroism.

Case in point: A beagle recently received an award for calling 911 on a cell phone and saving his master's life. Belle got to fly to Washington D.C. (poor dog) and receive the award for performing this heroic and amazing feat... except in an interview with "The Underground Dog" magazine (run by dogs, not in print, word of tail), Belle admitted that she was actually trying to hit speed dial 7 which was set to Domino's pizza.

Faith, a Rottweiller in Richland, Washington (according to the human man who grew up there, he describes that place as a toxic stew of nuclear waste), called 911 when his human fell out of her wheelchair. Interviewed later by UD magazine, Faith stated that the woman had a candybar in her hand and fell on it. Faith was actually going for the candybar and only called 911 to have humans come and lift the human so Faith could get the candybar.

I heard of another instance where a human man fell in the kitchen and blocked the refrigerator. The human woman was thrilled when this husky came and woke her up and frantically and practically had to drag her into the kitchen to remove the man from in front of the refrigerator in order for the husky to gain access to human foods.

While I applaud the quick thinking of these dogs in dire situations, we have to be careful. Should the humans find out that we actually know how to make phone calls, that we actually know how to hack into their computers and order things they must have forgotten about, and that we can actually understand them, they'll expect a lot more out of us. Some poor dogs have actually been given jobs to track humans (all for a treat or a stupid ball), pull wheelchairs, open doors, answer phones, and other chores for no pay at all!

We do not want to be perceived as cheap labor, satisfied with a squeeky toy as a reward for doing what they want. If we are to be put to work, we want benefits, a nice 401K plan, and a real paycheck so we aren't forced to sneak the human's credit cards out of their wallets (pretending to chew on them when caught) to order our goodies online.

So, in the future, be careful about dialing the phone and make sure you get the right number.

(waiting for a free used kleenex)


Woofwoof said...

It's not only that people expect us to bail them out of trouble. They also want us to pull them around, especially with gaosline over $3 per gallon. I tell them, "You have two legs, don't you?", and they reply "But you have four!" Gawd!

Zeus said...

From the feline perspective, we get this a lot too. Too many felines out there are showing off their impressive talents to the homo sapiens, and I have to agree with you Meeshka: It's dangerous! Canines and felines everywhere should keep their special talents to themselves!

I have a very comfortable life on the couch, eating all of the crunchies I want and sunbathing by the dining room window. If I had to work, well, I don't know if I could handle that....especially working for free. That would be just horrible and inhumane.

Kat said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.... yeah I could see that.

Mary-Margaret said...

And does your human expect a kiss first thing in the morning when they wake up? Hmmmm? EEyeeeWWWWW. And they think "doggie" breath is bad??

What we go through, I tell YOUUUU!!