Saturday, December 10, 2005

Holiday Etiquette Husky Style

A human recently posted to the human group what appeared to be a husky explaining to other huskies about the human holidays. I just wanted to point out this blatant attempt to get us to behave the way they want us to. I am also sure that if you looked this up on that hoax web site it would show that it was not written by a husky, or a dog, but by a human. They're so feeble in their attempts to fool us.

I'll put the fake e-mail in quotes, then respond:

"Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans and wet sloppy kisses."

Um, right, first of all, they'll get what we give them, when we feel like giving it to them, but most importantly, if they're more stressed than usual, this is the perfect time to plot an escape! They'll be forgetful as they carry in their bags of human goodies and leave the door unguarded, or leave things out in the open for us to inspect and destroy. Use this opportunity to carry out maximum destruction!

"Your humans may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that ALL the gifts are yours."

Now see, this is how you know this wasn't written by a husky! All large bags coming into the house, gift or not, DO belong to us huskies, plain and simple. If it comes into OUR house, then it is OUR thing.

"Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers."

Once again, written from a human mind control perspective. Oooh, please do it for us because we're simple and feeble and these demeaning dress up sessions comfort us and give us pleasure. My fluffy presence should be enough to give you pleasure without the need to put antlers on my head!

"The humans may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it's an important ritual for your humans so there are some things you need to know:"

My humans don't do this. The one good thing about the human woman is that she doesn't kill trees, she lets them live so we can pee on them.

"Don't pee on that tree!"

No, trees are made to pee on, therefore if a tree appears in your house, it is clearly a sign that your humans agree that forcing you out into the cold and rain is undogly and have given you a nice indoor bathroom much like they have for themselves. Knock yourself out and pee.

"Don't drink water from the container that holds that tree!"

A water container is a water container and should be used for drinking. Its not our fault that the humans have some hang up about drinking from the big white porcelan bowl in the bathroom, or out of the tub.

"Mind your tail when you are near that tree!"

I'm not quite sure what the sneaky human that wrote this means about minding our tails near the tree. Is it to keep us from using it as a device to knock down all the senseless and non-playable balls they hang up there? Wag away, I say.

"If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open!"

Why not? You put stuff on the floor under a pee tree and you expect us NOT to rip them to shreds? Are you kidding me?

"The ornaments hanging from the tree are NOT dog toys."

Which makes this holiday even more ridiculous. You put a pee tree in the house, put paper items under the tree, put balls on the tree, and you actually expect us to leave it alone? Its like putting steak on the tree with hooks and saying "don't touch that". Humans are so silly, they expect everyone to abide by their silly rules.

"Don't chew on the cord that runs from the hole in the wall to the tree."

Once again, pee tree in house, water in bucket to hold pee tree, attach electrical things to pee tree, plug pee tree in... does anyone else see a problem here? Does is take a very pretty and fluffy husky to point out the electrocution hazard of this?

"Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. Be patient, even if unknowing strangers sit on YOUR couch and do NOT drink out of glasses that are left within your reach."

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! First of all, every husky by now should know that no matter how hard the humans clean to get ready for guests, they must immediately sit and roll on all furniture to redistribute the hairs that were vacuumed up. We don't mind if strangers sit on our furniture, because we're too busy laughing at all the fur stuck to their fancy clothes. Secondly, anything in our reach is for us, thems the rules, so if we happened to get sloshed on human holiday drinks, then its the human's fault, not ours.

"Do NOT eat off the buffet table."

Like we're going to believe this one came from a dog's point of view? Its a BUFFET table! Here's the definition of Buffet: A buffet is a meal-serving system where patrons serve themselves. PATRONS, doesn't say where only people serve themselves, it says PATRONS and as far as I'm concerned, huskies are patrons and can help themselves to some tasty eats.

"A big man with a white beard and a red suit may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. Whatever you do DON'T BITE HIM!"

Once again, the humans just don't get the whole concept of christmas and feel the need to warn us about doing something bad to Santa Claws. Oh sure, they spell it Santa Claus, because they're idiots and can't understand that the whole concept of christmas is based on the unconditional love of animals. Its suppose to remind people that throughout the year they are suppose to be kind, understanding, and caring toward all manner of things human, animal, nature. The animals are rewarded for this unconditional kindness and love by Santa Claws, who is actually a dog. Santa Claws travels all over the world and brings treats to all animals and thanks them for putting up with humans putting stupid hats on them, or tying them to a tree, or not playing with them enough, or not rubbing their belly, or any of the things that silly humans do.

So, the next time your human comes home and gloats about stealing a parking spot at the mall, or complains about something, just sit there and wag your tail and smile, because you know who actually understands the true meaning of christmas and who will be rewarded for it... by way of humans leaving tasty egg nog and buffet goodies within easy reach.

Happy Howlidays



Woofwoof said...

Meeshka, thanks for the good laughs.

IndyPindy said...

You are so right! That was clearly not written by a Husky!

Come to my blog and read about the Husky rescue Christmas party yesterday, it was a blast! Seventeen Huskies in one house/yard, I think that's a record!