Saturday, February 10, 2007

New HULA Member: Frodo


Formal Application For HULA Membership:

I, Frodo K. Banks, Husky Ninja in Training, do hereby apply for membership of the Husky United Liberation Army (HULA). Below is my official list of qualifications (other than being a Husky):

1. Demonstrating disruptive behavior:
As part of my Husky Ninja Training, I am required to be as stealthy as possible, and observe without being observed, so for the most part I am not allowed to be disruptive. However, this rule goes out the window at dog washes. Grrrrr... I HATE baths. So I make sure to scream bloody murder every time Mom touches me, or brushes me, or moves me, or the water's too cold, or hot, or wet... Mom is constantly apologizing for me. And by the time we leave, the dog wash employees are either looking quite haggard (from running over every time I scream) or ready to call animal services to report the mean lady who abuses her dog in the dog wash. I do look pretty good after my bath, though, ifIdosaysomyself... Click here for evidence

3..2. Cause your human to freak out for no real reason:
One of my requirements for Husky Ninja training is to practice the art of extreme surprise, so I do this quite often. In fact, just last night, my Mom took me for a long walk and when we walked in the house, I immediately went to the kitchen and started bleeding all over the place. Talk about freaking out!!! My Mom looks down and I am standing there perfectly still and there is blood every where! The kitchen looked like a murder scene!!! And to make it even better, she couldn't figure out where the blood was coming from, so she kept trying to wipe off spots, but more would appear; it was all over the floor, the rug, the cabinets, my paws, my face, my ears, my neck... she was FREAKED (don't worry fellow huskies, I simply tore my ear a bit on a thorn bush, but I kept shaking my head and that sent the blood flying all over the place!)Harr Harrrrooooo... pretty funny.

3. Cause human guilt for no reason, other to get attention or treats:
I have gotten pretty good at the woebegone look of dismay that makes Mom and the DeeLan feel uber guilty and take me to the dogpark. I give them this look... ... and it's all over. We're going to the dogpark!!!

4. Destroy something:
I was going to provide a picture of the evidence of my destructive tendencies, but Mom confiscated them all 'cause she said it would be 'offensive'. I am a Member of UEA (Undie Eaters Anonymous). My name is Frodo and I eat undies. I have been clean for 2 months (but only because the humans have been good about putting the clothes in the wood box they call a 'hamper'). Once, I went through an entire pile of laundry waiting to be washed and pulled out every pair of undies and shredded them. I went through 7 pairs of undies in 10 minutes, that's how bad my addiction was. I went through rehab and am hopefully on the road to recovery, but it's a long hard road, as you other clothing addicts are aware, so I attend UEA meetings weekly.

But, hey! I'm also good at shredding and gutting a stuffie in less than 30 seconds!

4. Human behavior modification:
My Mom used to be a decent sleeper, but then I adopted her, and now a pin drop would wake the woman. See, I have an upset tummy sometimes, and sometimes I just have to get up at night to go potty. So, I've trained her to wake at the slightest jingle of my collar to make sure that she gets up to let me out. My predecessor, Bean, also trained my Mom to wake up at the sound of his breathing... he was good! When he had to go potty, he'd sit next to the bed and breathe really heavy, and that would wake her up, but not his Dad, so she'd always have to take him out. Harrrrroooo.

5. Being dressed up as something for the humor of the humans:

Need I say more? But wait, there is more...

Can you believe they had the nerve to dress HUSKIES up in coats? In Sandy Egg-O of all places!!! At least they didn't make us wear them at the beach. That would have been too much humiliation to bear. As you can see, I am clearly protesting this demeaning act (while my suck-up cousin, Clemmie, is just eating it up. She loves getting dressed up and lets her Mom, Auntie HiDeeHoe, do it all the time!!! She'll never be a HULA member.)

5. Love of Kleenex:
Although I do not eat Kleenex (as you saw above, I prefer richer material), I do like to take them out of the trashcan and distribute them all over the house. No real reason other than to make my Mom think that DeeLan is leaving his dirty Kleenex on the floor everywhere. Hee hee... I had her going for weeks, but I think she might have caught on by now.

Please accept this letter to apply for the HULA, your forever vigilant servant, in the open, and in the shadows of the CaNinja societies,
Frodo K. Banks

(I don’t know how you stand it Frodo... the horror - Meeshka)

2 comments:

Holly said...

Highly impressive. Love the shredded stuffie! And the blood! Wow, way to get it ALL OVER the place!

Holly

cyber-sibes said...

Congrratulations Frodo!