Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I'm in a mood tonight!

The others have just gotten on my last nerve, so I felt the need to show them who is boss.

First of all, I clawed the human woman's leg, just because I felt like it, not because I wanted something. She needs to know that she's not safe anywhere from the claw.

Then Sammy was picking on the old guy Nova, so when Sam lay down, I decided to show him just how much power he wielded. I sauntered over to him and stared at him. He tried to ignore me. I got closer and really stared at him. He started making a keening noise because he knew what was coming. The human woman told me to lay off, so I sauntered closer and got right into his face. I wanted him to try something, but he feared me, and since the human woman insisted that I lay off... flush with pride, I left Sam quivering with fear.

The gimpy mutant toed puppy Loki was all pompous today too, so I waited for him to go outside, then waited for him at the top of the stairs. When he came racing up, I snatched him in mid-air and pile drove his head into the floor... just because I could. The human woman was stern with me, so I sauntered off, lay under the table, and clawed her leg when she sat down. I got the last word... with the claw.

(fear the claw)

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I don't need a bath

I have spent months cultivating a nice sheen of dirt. I spend hours lolling in the lovely cool dirt outside so I can be nice and messy. I certainly don't need a bath!

The human woman just came in and scratched my belly, looked at her hand and pronounced: "You need a bath".

No I don't.

The humans have this clean fetish. They think that husky smells need to be masked with some stinky faux flowery spray, or carpet cleaning stuff. They don't appreciate all the effort we go through just to get a nice sheen of dirt on our fur to protect us from the elements and bugs.

We like smelling like huskies, and we shouldn't smell like avocado oatmeal bisque, or apricot lemon souffle. When has a dog ever smelled like mint, unless they rolled in something dead that recently ate mint.

Just because I leave a small dirt spot on the sheets at night doesn't mean I need a bath. Just because when I shake I send a fine powder of sand and dirt shooting through the air, doesn't mean I need a bath. I'm perfectly comfortable in my husky stinkiness and layer of grime, thank you, now leave me alone.

I doubt the human woman will have time to make good on her threat today. She mentioned something about going to a bridal shower tonight. See, not only are they clean freaks, but they go off to places and bathe with a bunch of other clean freaks. She has a perfectly good shower here, but feels the need to go off and do it someplace else. I'll never understand the humans.

Her going off to this shower thing is good, since we'll be alone with the human male, who tends to feed us too much (actually he feeds us what we should be getting, not those miniscule amounts the human woman feeds us), and he's much easier to drive insane than the human woman. I'm sure he'll be running around screaming before she gets back from the group shower thing. I'll let you know what evil things we manage to do to him later tonight.

(stinky and loving it)

Thursday, March 23, 2006

I'm back, sorry for the lull

I received a concerned e-mail today from K and Kali asking me where I was.

I have to admit, the old guy Nova hasn't been doing very well lately, so the human woman has been spending more time with him. That means that the laptop is unguarded, but she password protects it from us (ever since that incident where she caught us ordering stuff from Petsmart), so I haven't been able to take advantage of the free computer. One of these days I'll hack through that password!

Total bed domination continues, although the humans have gotten smarter and put the old guy Nova outside a half hour before bed. He just walks around the yard over and over and then he's really tired and can't do like we planned where he wakes the humans up every 2 hours and we get more of the bed. I have to satisfy myself with slowly encroaching on the human woman's side where the head goes, and so far I've managed to train her into getting into bed without disturbing me (by curling up on a cute little ball with my tail tucked over my nose and gazing at her with my very pretty eyes) and squishing over as far as she can go to allow me enough room to stretch out. She even makes sure not to cover me up, because I'm so fluffy, I get hot easily, but she's very careful to make sure the covers aren't on me.

As I mentioned before, the old guy Nova is getting a bit more senile lately and requires a lot of extra care. We typically leave him alone because he's old, but for some reason, old guy doesn't like Sammy and does what he can to yell and bother him until they get into a screaming fit. Just today, old guy Nova (who doesn't have a cushy crate to call his own, he roams the house freely) decided to show Sammy who was boss and took a poo next to Sammy's crate. Sammy was very angry about this and took it out on Loki, who tried to take it out on me, but quickly realized that I would pile drive his head into the floor and decided to jump on the human woman instead.

Old guy Nova also pees in Sam's food bowl when he gets mad. Its not a pretty scene here in the house, what with the humans constantly steam cleaning with the stinky liquid that smells like fake flowers, and the old guy Nova yelling at Sam and Sam yelling back, and Loki peeping because he's a suck up and wants to go out because he drank a gallon of water and wouldn't let anyone have any, and frankly I'm about ready to go find a nice quiet place where I'm the ONLY cute and fluffy husky.

I'm exhausted from getting between Sam and old guy Nova and stopping their yelling, and chasing after the suck up mutant pawed Loki when he gets Sam mad by pulling his tail, and then having to herd the human woman around and tell her to give me kleenex treats, and move over in the bed, and feed us at our normal time. I tell you, this place would be a mess if it wasn't for me.

(planning on sprawling farther tonight)

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Total Bed Domination

On Wednesday night we achieved total bed domination. It was glorious!

The old guy Nova did what we told him to, and that was to drive the human woman insane!

The moment the humans got into bed, he howled to go out. The human woman let him out. Back in, she got into bed, he started howling.

The human man got him some water, and took him out. The moment old guy Nova got inside, he started howling at the human woman. After about an hour of this, the human woman took her pillow, vacated the bed, and slept in the room we're not allowed in.

Just to make sure she stayed in there, old guy Nova stood at the door of the room we're not allowed in, and howled a bit more. He also likes to rub his nose on the door and make a high pitched squeeky sound that drives the human woman more insane.

With the human woman now gone, Loki, Sam and I were able to fully dominate that side of the bed, and boy did we stretch out and lounge.

Loki (the suck up mutant paw) did feel bad about driving the human woman off and went out to look for her. That just meant more room for Sam and I. He's such a pansy, that Loki. Here we have the whole bed and he's all crying and whining for the human woman. Why not? He gets the whole foot of the bed, where I have to push the human woman toward the middle to get my fair share of the bed.

That's fine, I had a wonderful sleep all sprawled out on MY bed.

We hope to make this a once a week thing for us, so Nova is practicing his high pitched shriek.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Being Queen is tiring

The old guy Nova was awake all last night. Nobody (not even I) could figure out what he wanted, since he was just shouting gibberish. Apparently he just wanted the human woman awake and following him around, because that's all she did last night.

Human woman gets up, escorts him to the kitchen, she comes back and gets into bed (which disturbs me since I'm now taking up the entire head of the bed), Nova old guy stumbles back into the bedroom.

Human woman gets up, escorts him outside. They come back 15 minutes later, human woman gets into bed.


You get the picture.

At one point he got stuck between the wall and the bed, so the human man got up and tried to get him to back up, which old guy Nova complained and cursed about.

Then he started wailing the moment human man got into bed, which made the human woman get up and stumble down the hall with the old guy, and it wasn't a pretty night.

Around 4am, the human woman didn't hear him grumble, so I had to claw her to make him stop grumbling so we could sleep. Meanwhile, mutant paw suck up Loki slept through the whole thing at the foot of the bed, and Sam curled up tighter on his cushie pillow on the other side and cursed softly at each sleep interuption.

I heard the human woman tell the human man that they were going to boot him out in the yard a half hour before bedtime hoping to wear him out some. I hope bedtime comes soon, because even my crate napping and beauty nap after dinner wasn't enough to catch me up on sleep.


Friday, March 03, 2006

Humans are very unobservant

Today the human woman thought that she'd curl up in bed and take a nap in the middle of the day. That's fine with us, we were in nap mode anyway, and the bed is comfy, so we all piled on (more room when the human man isn't there anyway) and curled up or sprawled out for a nice nap. The old guy Nova doesn't get on the bed, so he just paced and paced as usual.

Suddenly there was a sound... then a smell. I have no idea how the human woman could have NOT heard that sound or smelled that smell because my delicate nose and keen hearing certainly heard and smelled it.

I pawed the human woman, who told me to lay down and sleep. I clawed the human woman and made the "you better get up and take care of that" noise, but she pushed me away (the gall). I double clawed the human woman, and even Loki got up from his spot and landed an elbow to the midsection. Apparently our efforts were finally understood, as the human woman got up and made the EUUUUUW noise.

Yes... Nova poo tsunami again. The poor guy was so distraught that he was stepping in it and tracking it all over.

The human woman got up muttering and gathered the cleaning tools. Sam and I stayed on the bed, but Loki bravely (or foolishly) jumped off the bed and tiptoed his way past the onslaught. When we couldn't stand it anymore, Sam and I made a tippytoe run for the back door and made it through unscathed, then begged to be let out. From the outside we could hear the sounds of cleaning and muttering.

It was funny that this happened. The human woman let a stranger into the house just this morning and the human stranger came in and eliminated all of our odors from the downstairs room where our crates use to be. It smells all clean and foul down there now... like we never rolled and dirtied there.

Serves her right to try to eliminate our smells and she ended up having to reclean the entire area that she cleaned just the other day. When will she ever learn that huskies rule and mark our territory with our smells... and Nova old guy will strike when you least expect it... or try taking a nap.

(I claim this couch in the name of fur and husky smell)

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Tonight's Goal: Drive Humans Crazy

The humans are cranky tonight.
The human man never sleeps well, even after they bought that new fancy, large bed. The human woman usually sleeps like a log, even when I lay on her head, but lately she's been waking up a lot, which disturbs my sleep.

I've been spending more and more time at the head of the bed, mainly because I've now stolen 95% of the head of the bed. I've trained the human woman to pull back the covers and let me onto my spot, then she contorts herself into the bed, curling her feet around Loki so not to disturb him, and then giving me most of the head of the bed. She's very quick at learning these things.

So, tonight the old guy Nova is cranky too, so we told him that the humans would give him some human food if he bugged them a lot. He's doing a really good job at it too. They tried putting us out in the yard so they could have a moment of peace, but the old guy has created a rather convincing and pathetic scream that sends the humans running to check on him. Then we burst into the door and run upstairs to steal their food. Unfortunately, they're not tired enough to have left anything on the counters. We need to wake them more in the night so they're more careless.

They thought they were smart and gated us out of the room they were eating in. We pretended to rip each other to shreds to get them to come out and leave the food unguarded, but once again, foiled by the gate they remembered to put up behind them. We then tried the "bug Nova old guy til he freaks out" trick, but he was having none of that.

The human woman did feel bad for locking us out of the room and gave us each a bit of a french fry each. Harmph, not a whole lot, but I guess it was something.

After dinner, we tried barking, yipping, raking with claws and pressing of cold noses on exposed flesh, just to get them all jumpy. They told us to be quiet, lay down, and threatened us with bodily harm (which they never do anything, but we're recording it in case we need to use it against them to get human food).

I've given up for the night. I'm not even holding my breath that the human woman will take us out and play with us. Something about going to bed early, which is fine with me. If they won't let us claw and bug them, might as well get a fluffy night's sleep.