Wednesday, October 31, 2007

HULA Lesson #95,697: The Tongue

The general rule of tongue (since we don't have thumbs, which the humans lord over us at every occasion) is that if the tongue touches it... its ours.

Please note that this rule works for most households, but not mine. Yes, I'm going to get into some trouble here by revealing that the human woman has, on more than one occasion, actually eaten something that we've licked, or even had in our mouths. She's even fed the human man stuff that we've licked or had in our mouths. I won't even go into the episode where the human woman found bugs in the spaghetti as she cooked it, and she scooped the bugs out with a spoon and fed it to the human man without telling him (hoo, fur is going to fly if he ever stops playing gnome in my pants game and reads that).

In general, if you lick it, the humans will let you have it, so lick whatever you can. Of course, if you have cruel humans, they'll toss it away instead of giving it to you. If that happens in your house, you should find new humans.

(I can usually reach anything)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

HULA Lesson #9,495: Distraction

Distraction can be used many ways to get what you want. A classic distraction technique usually requires the aid of an assistant and one that doesn't mind NOT getting the goodies. I find that gullible mutatoes make for the best assistants.

Have them either:
1.) Make a strange noise in another room
2.) Pee on something in the human's view
3.) Scream loudly or horka

Once the human is distracted, the "prey" is yours. Eat quickly, as humans can only be distracted for so long before they get wise to your plans... but you'll notice that they fall for the same old tricks over and over again.

(next time I'd like more Parmesan on my spaghetti, thank you)

Monday, October 29, 2007

HULA Lesson #8,596: Placement

In order to take advantage of a helpless human, its best to place yourself at the very top of the stairs when your human is carrying a food plate up the stairs.

This accomplishes two things:
  1. Eventually the food plate will be at lick level without you even having to reach for it
  2. If the human protests, a slight push from your paw will send them flying down the stairs and you'll just get the plate while they're complaining about their fractured leg.

(Just another handy tip)

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Why It Won't Work

Pepper and Vegas left a comment with a link about the “Paw Plunger” on my blog.

Always interested in new technology that tries to thwart the HULA code, I had to check it out.

First of all, go to the site and tell me what you think this device looks like: Paw Plunger

If you are thinking what I’m thinking, yes, it looks like a gigantic coffee cup. Do I really need to go into detail as to how something that looks like a giant coffee cup would NOT work in this house? Well, it probably would work, if the human woman actually used it for what it was suppose to be used for, and wasn’t hauling it to work as a sippy cup.

Secondly, why would I agree to having my foot dunked into a giant sippy cup when I can wash my own feet in the water bowl, thank you very much. The human still has to dunk our feet, then dry them off, so its not like its saving them any time. It seems like twice the work actually, and I think they should save their money, and save their time by simply allowing us to track our mud all over the house. I mean, come on, I’d hate to be the THIRD dog getting my tippy toes dunked in that nasty water, so I’m guessing that if you are a one dog household, it might be doable, but if you have more than one, what poor dog gets the second round of washing in that thing? Dunk one dog, dry feet, dump out the mucky water, fill giant sippy cup with more water, dunk the second dog, etc. I’m thinking that it would take way too much time to perform this clean up, and by the time the human was done with you... you’d have to go out and pee again.

Yes, I think this contraption is a horrible time wasting idea and shouldn’t be purchased at all. Your humans should spend that money on more food and treats, and just learn to live with muddy pawprints on everything.

(not dipping my foot in a coffee cup, are ya insane?)

Friday, October 26, 2007

Rough Towel Weather

Its been gloriously muddy here the past few days. While I'm not too keen on the whole rain falling on me thing, the one nice part of the humans building the new deck for me is that the ground still gets nice and muddy, but I can stand or lay under it and not have water fall on me.

Another nice thing about MY deck is that no grass grows under it, which makes the digging all the better. Nice muddy mud to lay in, roll in, dig in, find grubs in, and generally wallow in. Of course (as one would think) the human woman isn't too keen about our being so muddy when we come in, and is armed with the "rough towel" the moment our little muddy tippy toes enter the house. We do our best to dodge her and run into the house, up the stairs, straight into the bedroom, leaping onto the bed and stomping the mud all over the covers. She is not as amused by this as we are. I don't know why.

After she catches us, or gets a clue and actually shuts the back door to keep us from running inside (she forgets about half the time), we'll stand nicely while she wipes us off and makes sure that my tippy delicate little toes are cleaned. I don't like having dirty delicate feet. Although I don't mind waiting to have them cleaned until I've sufficiently stomped on the bed, I'd rather not have dirty feet, so I'll hold out my paw to allow the human woman to clean my feet. If she doesn't do a good enough job, I'll continue holding out that foot until she does. Sometimes the human woman argues with me, saying the paw is cleaned, but its not and I refuse to switch feet until it is. I always win.

Once my feet have been wiped off, I then need to wash them. There's only so much a towel can clean off, so I find Loki's water bowl very handy for a foot wash. As the human woman is trying to wipe down the spineless bionic hip puppy, or make a dent in the mutatoe foot (which doubles as a sponge), I'll saunter upstairs and bathe my feet in Mutatoe's water bowl.

Washing ones tippy toes in a water bowl requires that you slosh the water around nice and good to get that deep down between the toes grunge that can build up. Ok, sometimes I splash water all over the place, but that's what the rug is for, right?

The human woman is always very excited to see that I've cleaned my feet in the water bowl when she finally comes up the stairs. She's always impressed that I dry my now clean paws off by walking all over the house. Sometimes she doesn't notice until she finds the Mutatoe staring at the water bowl, which is now filled with dirt. For some reason he doesn't like to drink dirty water, this from a Mutatoe that spent endless hours licking his butt. Go figure.

For those of you sick of the rain, please note that the human woman did try out that new steam cleaner stink remover the other day, so its all her fault.


Thursday, October 25, 2007

New HULA Member: Jack

To: Meeshka the Great
HULA Application

for: Jack (cyber-sibes)

1. Demonstrate disruptive behavior.
I like to lie upside-down across the bottom of the stairs, and in doorways, so the humans have to step over me. (although the hu-man sometimes steps right on me.) I also like to make my wookie-call really loud so they have to drop whatever they’re doing to make sure I’m not getting in trouble. 6 am works nicely for this one.

2. What do you do to cause humans to freak out?
I stare at Star. I got into a couple of little scrapes with star at first. Nothing more than a few puncture wounds, nothing serious by husky standards, but they FREAKED out. They almost took me back to Ohio! Now I just stand very still & stare at Star once in a while, just to keep them on their toes. I’ve swiped almost all her toys this way.

3. Guilting the humans for no reason but to get attention or treats?
I live here. Apparently I arrived awfully soon after their beloved Sherman departed. I can’t help that, it’s not my fault. I didn’t drive myself here, you know. So they feel guilty that I’m here. Till a few weeks ago, I got lots of human attention cause Star & I weren’t getting along at all. ( OK, so that was my fault.)

4. Have you destroyed something?
I found this interesting little wooden case on top of a table… so I took it out in the yard & destroyed it. When my hu-mom saw it, she freaked out. She spent half the night out here in the yard with a flashlight trying to account for the sewing needles that were in the little box. This was great because I got to eat all kinds of good things with fiber so I would pass anything I ate out. (hee hee, they finally realized that I didn’t actually eat any of those stupid needles, she found all 16 of them.) *burp*

5. Human behavior modification?
They keep things off the floor and back from counter & table edges now.

6. Dressed up to humor the humans?
Not yet, but I haven’t been here very long.

7. Love of Kleenex?
Do I love kleenex? Is it like tissue? A-Rooo! See my blog entry

Congratulations Jack, you are a very worthy member of HULA!


Saturday, October 20, 2007

The Ultimate Platform

Platform 2
Originally uploaded by Shmoomeema
Ok, first of all, I didn't make it up on the counter, this is just purely wishful thinking.

I didn't want to burden spineless bionic hip sammy with trying to hoist me up there, and the gimpy suck-up mutatoe (although he has an ample butt) couldn't boost me up high enough and now claims that I strained something. He's such a weenie. Later I'll try moving a chair over.

I just think that up on the counter would be the perfect platform for me. Why? Thought you'd never ask:

1.) That's where all of the good human foods are prepared, so I would have access to them.
2.) The small food safe is right there and I've learned through observation that all you have to do to open it is to punch the button on the bottom and the door just flies open. You don't even need opposable thumbs for that.
3.) Its nice and high and out of reach of the gimpies (except for "stretch armstrong" mutatoe who can change his molecular structure such that he stretches and oozes into the sink to retrieve tasty dishes for me to lick).
4.) I can also turn on the water without the use of opposable thumbs and would no longer be forced to share a water bowl with the gimpies (who leave backwash).

So, I hope to be able to get on my new platform soon so that all huskies (and dogs, and girl-girl) can hear my Queenly speeches and follow my every bidding. (I was going to make some crack about a certain weepy talk show host who is waaaay too full of herself... but I'll refrain from that).


Monday, October 15, 2007

Its All About Butts

What is it with this house where its always about butts around here?

The humans caught Spineless Bionic Hip puppy Sammy licking his butt again the other night and found he had a sore in the same spot as he did last time. Off they took him into the bathroom where they licked his butt for him with a gauze pad and put a cream on it. Today he got to take a ride in the truck (which he gloated about for hours when he got home), and there a strange vet woman licked his butt with a gauze pad and brown stuff called betadyne and then gave the humans some pills for him to take. The only good news to this is LIVERGREAT FOR EVERYONE!

Apparently SBHP (spineless Bionic Hip Puppy) has an infected anal gland. Geesh, it its not the mutatoe with that, its him. I have no idea why they keep getting these issues, as my own po-po is squeeky clean and functioning properly.

Of course, the human woman didn't immediately go to the store for livergreat, we have to wait until she "finds the time" tomorrow after work to get our tasty treat. Tonight she gave us all bread, and tried to hide the pills for Sam in the bread. He's too smart and managed to eat the bread and ptooey the pill onto the floor. None of us wanted the nasty pill, so we just left it there. She finally had to shove them down his throat when he kept ptooing the pill on the floor and eating the bread. I'm sure once we have livergreat, he'll be more cooperative.

Here's me attacking the human woman in bed:

(livergreat, LIVERGREAT!)

Sunday, October 14, 2007

The Proper Way to Greet a Human

Yesterday Indy’s human woman came to our house. She and the human man and woman were abandoning us to go do fun things. They said that dogs weren’t allowed there, but we smelled dogs on them when they came back, so we know they were just big fat liars.

When Indy’s human woman came up the stairs, we neglected to knock her down the stairs (note to self: need to work on that), but we happily greeted her as though we had never seen her before, just because we like doing that.

I managed to get a good face bonk with my nose, missed the eye, but she pushed me so that’s my excuse. Loki hit her from the side and then I got her good from the front and she landed on her butt on the floor where we were able to properly maul her.

The human man and woman tried to tell us to settle down (yeah right), and then the human woman got a call on MY iPhone and with her occupied, we were able to escalate our attack full tilt.

As Indy’s human woman got off the floor, Loki performed a perfect leaping push that propelled her onto the part of the couch, and that’s when we leapt on her and stomped on her wildly. She tried to get up but I performed my patented leaping both paws forward body slam and threw her back on the couch thing, where we then savaged her like pirana. It was glorious, but short-lived, as the human woman came back in and made us stop.

Unfortunately Indy’s human woman is wise to our ways and was able to keep herself from wearing the mark of the claw (need to work on that too), and after they bribed us with kongs and cookies, we let them go to their “dogs not allowed” event.

There’s nothing like a good human greeting to work up a good nap.


Friday, October 12, 2007

Fluffy Power

Another victory to the fluffy!

We claimed victory when the hose of the evil Dyson ripped, but the human woman and that pesky Internet thwarted our plans for mass fluffiness when they sent her a replacement hose.

Not to be outdone, we plotted, planned, and spread our fluffiness and good smells throughout the house, laying the perfect trap for the human woman and her confounded contraptions to rid us of our fluffiness and smells.

This morning the human woman blocked us out of the room we can't go into and vacuumed, then got out the steam cleaner thing. That machine is most foul as the human woman puts stinky faux flower-like smell fluids into it, and it spreads this noxious smell throughout the carpet that we spend months cultivating our smells! Hehe, but not this time!

About 1 minute into the "steam cleaning", (more like stink cleaning), the machine started making a noise and emitting an odor more foul than anything we could come up with (well, old guy-guy Nova was pretty good at emitting foul odors, but this was even worse than anything he could come up with). Disgusted, the human woman turned the machine off and pronounced that our fluffiness had once again knocked the little rubber belt off the steam cleaner and she would have to rip its guts out and remove our fluffiness.

This was a victory against the stink for us, and we celebrated by running throughout the house, and I managed to goose the human woman when she was bent over.

We hadn't realized just how successful we were in thwarting the stink until later, when the human woman set about taking the infernal beast apart and discovering that our fluffiness had wrapped itself around a vital bolt that held the belt on, and our fluffiness was so powerful, it had snapped the bolt completely in half, thus rendering the evil stink cleaner totally useless.

Its dead (Jim)!

This time we celebrated by ricocheting off the bed and running willy nilly throughout the house (and I goosed the human woman again, she never learns).

So, no more stink machine for us! The human woman is totally disgusted by this development, and muttered something about spending all of her hard earned money for crap that doesn't last a year. Oh give me a break, that thing is like 2 years old, stop complaining. It lasted the longest of the stink machines, so we pretty much thought she'd be online shopping for another one of them, but apparently she's had enough of the expensive machines and is going for a cheapo one that got rave reviews (even from a dog owner).

I'd ask everyhusky (dog and girl-girl) to place bets on the lifetime of this piece of crap, but I'll just go ahead and place my bet of three uses before its a smoldering heap on the curb in a contractor bag along with the expensive one.

(adding another claw mark to the wall to commemorate another fluffy victory)

For the Good of the Pack

Well, I'm afraid to announce that I can't possibly go visit Keema's human woman. For one thing, my ride never showed up and the human woman refused to give me the keys to my RAV. Secondly, the very moment I announced that I would be leaving, the whole pack went totally insane!

The Mutatoe immediately started sucking up to the human woman and got a KLEENEX! MY KLEENEX!!! She told me that since I was leaving, the Mutatoe would get all of the Kleenex from now on. Yeah, I don't think so. My treats would be distributed to the remaining gimpies, not sent to my "new home", and when I got tired of waiting for my ride to show up, I found the spineless bionic hip puppy curled up on MY spot on the bed, smirking. He smirked at me!

How can I possibly let these gimpies take over the house, it was utter chaos, they had no manners, no respect and they were getting my treats and kleenex!

So, I apologize to Keema's human woman, she'll just have to find her own husky to put her house into shape, I'm too needed here to leave, my job apparently is not done with the gimpies, as they still have much to learn.

I do highly recommend some rescues, where HULA members are being cultivated daily and will provide her with the same escape attempts, eaten couches, and digging that I could give her. I'm not sure there are any candidates that know the proper way to sit on a human woman's head, but I'm sure one will turn up eventually, it is a skill that most huskies can't quite perfect, but I'm sure there is one out there somewhere, just keep looking. As far as the claw goes, we're all armed, so that shouldn't be a problem.

But just in case Keema's human woman can't find the perfect dog, and since she did mention that a male would be better, I can always send her a slightly damaged model that has an ear piercing yap, pees on things in the house sometimes, and thinks he's fluffy and cool. No charge.

(unpacked my vent and bowls, now where's my kleenex?)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I'm going on a trip!

I was reading over the human woman's shoulder just now and she promised to send me to the late (and great) Keema's owner! Apparently Keema's human woman is lonely without Keema and only has a Lab (ok, nothing against Labs, but you guys are just way too obedient and actually fetch things and junk... eeesh) to keep her company and she misses having couches eaten, and fur all over, and being clawed.

I'm guessing that the human woman's offer was some kind of joke, like she was saying that Keema's human woman would be sick of me clawing and spreading my fluffiness all over quickly and thus get her husky fix and she'd send me back. Well, I don't think that's very funny at all, so I've packed my suitcase (air vent, food and water bowel) and I'm ready to go and I'm not coming back. If the human woman doesn't appreciate everything I do for her, then I'm sure Keema's human woman will (Keema use to tell me what a push over she was, so I'm destined to get all sorts of goodies, and toys, and attention there).

So there human woman, you'll be all sad when I'm gone and sitting on Donna's head, and clawing Donna. You'll miss me, you know you will!

I'll just sit here by the door until my ride arrives.

(soon to be called something cool and queen-like in my new cushy home that doesn't have any gimpy mutatoes and spineless bionic hip puppies)

Sunday, October 07, 2007

My Trip to the Event

Well everyone, I actually did go out all day to an event yesterday! Of course, when the human woman said "let's go to an event" I was expecting more of an indoor, air conditioned nice place, and not an outdoor event where it was approximately 600 degrees with 1,500% humidity. It was HOT there!

I was very helpful setting up the event gear, every time the human woman walked one way, I walked another, then I tried to crawl under the table and drag the human woman with me, or I'd wrap the leash around her legs and trip her. She kept mumbling, so I guess I was doing a good job.

I got to meet a lot of dogs, big dogs, little dogs, strange looking dogs. All of the humans just oohed and aahed over me and couldn't resist my fluffiness. They all said how incredibly soft my fluffiness was and how well behaved I am (see, the human woman is such a liar saying all those things about me). The human woman tried to put the donation vets on me, but since I was wearing my ultra husky-escape-proof harness, it didn't fit right. The human woman claims it was because I'm just too fluffy and it didn't fit right... well I am very fluffy but frankly who wants to wear a vest when you are so fluffy and its 8,000 degrees outside? Indy came mid-event and his human woman threw the vest on him... hehehe.

For lunch I had pizza crust, which was very tasty. The human woman tried to get me to eat some vile dog cookies that she bought for me, and the nice guy Matt, who I like to kiss, bought me something called "beef ice cream". Ok, can I tell you just how vile and disgusting that was? Nasty, I have no idea who made that stuff, but every dog that came by would tell me "hey, avoid that beef ice cream crap, its vile", and sure enough, it truly was some nasty stuff.

At one point, the human woman was talking to someone and the event people announced the contest to determine the fluffiest dog. Are you kidding me? Of course I was a shoe in for winner in that category and I woo'd and stomped my delicate tiny feet and even clawed the human woman to immediately take me over to the contest ring so that I could saunter up and simply take the prize. They would take one look at me and announce that I was the fluffiest dog in the land... but she IGNORED ME! I don't know who won, but they wouldn't have stood a chance if the judges had gotten a look at me.

Around closing time it got so hot that Indy and I decided we'd splash around in the water bowl to cool off, then lay in the shade together. We both went on strike, refused to stand up and look fluffy, and yet people still came by to pet us.

When I got home the mutatoes were oh so jealous and sniffed me all over. They wanted to play, they were so happy that I was back, but frankly after all that heat and excitement, I just wanted to nap on my air conditioner vent.

Oh, and for all of you humans that claim that huskies don't make good guard dogs, well I scoff at you and submit this picture as evidence of our keen guarding skills. I dare anyone to try to move a tired, hot, sleepy husky off the cash box.

It didn't make for a very comfortable pillow, but what's a girl to do when her human woman refused to lay down and allow me to use her lap as a pillow.

(still recovering from my fun, hot event)

Friday, October 05, 2007

Just When You Thought..

he couldn't be a BIGGER dork... he goes and does this.

If this looks oddly familiar, its because he's been reading Indy's blog and saw this charming pose and decided it looked comfortable. The unicorn kong head look... yeah, that's dignified.

The good news is that the human woman took me aside when the gimpies were out of ear shot and told me that tomorrow I get to go with her to an event! Yes, that's right, I'm going to a rescue event tomorrow to meet and greet people and french kiss unsuspecting humans.

So, if you happen to be in the Columbia, Maryland area tomorrow and want to come see me, we'll be at the Animal Advocates Walk for Paws event at Lake Elkhorn from 10am until 3pm. Yes, the human woman will be there and if you pay her money, she'll cartoon you and if you pay me money I'll claw you. Oh yes, you too can carry the scars of my dainty little feet and massively sharp claws. You'll be the envy of all your friends.

(sharpening my claws now)

Thursday, October 04, 2007

What a Dork

How can we be a regal, awe inspiring breed when the gimpy mutatoe lays in his crate like this?

Is this regal? Does this summon awe?

I don't think so. How can I lay in a cute fluffy ball with my fluffy tail over my dainty nose and stare at the humans with that piercing glare of authority when Mutatoe is sprawled like a dork in his crate?

He thinks he's being cute and adorable, but he makes us all look like goofballs, not fluffballs of mighty husky. How can anyone take us seriously when this is laying around I ask?

(help me)

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Where's the Challenge?

Sometimes there is that twinge of guilt for taking advantage of someone who clearly isn't all there. You would think that after pulling the same scheme time and time again, the human woman would get wise to our tricks and thwart them, but every time... I mean, seriously, I almost wish she would so that we could come up with more devious plans, but since she continuously falls for the same tired old trick each time, there really is no reason to put forth the effort to get more devious.

I sometimes wish we had better prey, a human that would challenge us to be at our best as huskies and come up with new and more interesting forms of human torture, but no, we're stuck with the same old grind, day after day. Oh sure, we add little twists to the same old plan, but I'm getting tired of the routine and would like a little something special to spice up our rather dull, nap-filled lives.

Of course I'm speaking of the ham sandwich incident of yesterday. Same old story: human woman makes a sandwich, Loki makes a noise in the bathroom as planned, human woman goes to check out the noise, I get a tasty ham sandwich. Oh sure, I have to suffer with the gimpy mutatoe always complaining that he's the one that has to make the noise, why can't I make the noise so HE can get the sandwich. Sam doesn't complain anymore since he's spineless and can't jump on the counter like he use to, but he refuses to make the noise because he's trying to be the "good puppy" for a change. Suck up.

Then I get the guilt from the human woman. As if not having any more bread is my fault, apparently I missed the memo that gave me a credit card, a vehicle, and opposable thumbs to push a shopping cart around, thus making me totally responsible for the lack of bread products in the house and the human woman "starving" without her lunch sandwich. Um, don't think so.

(next time I'd like my sandwich with a little deli mustard, thanks)