Saturday, June 26, 2021

Vacuums Suck

 Let's talk about vacuums!

Vacuums suck, and I don't mean they suck up all of the tasty goodness from the floor type of suck, which they do, and that makes them suck, but they actually are horrible things.

They are loud

They move around on their own,  or the humans wield them in some crazy dance moves.

They suck all of the tasty goodness off the floor (for that they should be banned).

Some of them dispense horrible smells that remove tasty smells (or my smells, even if those smells aren't very tasty, they're MY SMELLS).

There are two of these monsters in my house. 

The first one is downstairs, so I can only hear it buzzing and whirring all over the place, but the other (a Roomba S9) is staked out and stalking me between two cool air vents. 

I can't trust it not to attack me out of the blue, so I refuse to lay on those air vents.  Rightly so, I've heard the humans discuss an alternate place for this monster, but have made no effort to move it, or throw it away. I'm rather peeved about this.

It taunts me, guarding the cold air vent

It just sits there... glaring at me... ready to pounce without a warning, except for that blinking white light and whirring noise that sounds like a tank. I hate it with white hot intensity.

The other vacuum is a loud purple beast from the depths of hades. It's name is Dyson. It is operated by the humans and comes out when they can't activate the Roomba because I've spite-peed in front of it.

It is louder than the Roomba, but faster! It sucks up EVERYTHING in its path, and it could very well also suck me into its canister if I don't move quickly. As you can see, I clearly hate it.

This other thing is called Dyson as well, but it's the mini spawn of large Dyson, called a "hand-held". When the Bleeder or Toast get this thing out, it snaps at me from their hands. It has been known to chase me around the house as well. I would like to think that Bleeder nor Toast have anything to do with it, but I suspect they do, because it's only set loose upon their command. If I could get to it I would rip it to shreds.

They also have a myriad of steam cleaners (for some odd reason), to suck up spills and also dispense a cloying, almost sickening flowery aroma onto my perfect good, muddy paw prints and accidental bodily fluids (don't judge, I'm still a puppy and dealing with old, lazy people).

Which leads us to the Bissell Pet Stain Eraser with Powerbrush. This one is a hoot! According to the Bleeder "Where the H was this all these years, holy crap if only we had this during the great peemageddon years of old dogs"

Apparently this noisy contraption is the end all, be all of cleaning up liquidy things in a jiffy. Plugs in to charge, easy to clean, and easy to use, this baby sucks up all matter of ick quickly, and a spritz of the smelly liquid cleans it all away. It sucks up all horka spills (once you remove the tasty, tasty chunks), and even cleans up errant blood (seriously, she spouts it like Old Faithful and I barely lay a dew claw on her). 

The best part of this monster is that the humans have to either lean over, or kneel on the ground to use it, leaving them open to attack.

In other news, I got some new toys. Here is the Bleeder demonstrating a prime example of "lazy and old" with my new tug toy


*Full disclosure, Bleeder and Toast paid for all of this stuff out of their own pockets. If it works, I'll tell you, if it doesn't, I'll tell you, plain and simple.

Next time I'll talk about things I've destroyed... I mean, things that spontaneously exploded while I have an alibi.


Sunday, June 20, 2021

Social Butterfly

 I had an exciting day last week!

Bleeder and Toast took me to a big building with lots of loud bicycles. They called it "socialization". I approve of this socialization thing because it was fun.

It started out with Toast going into the big building while Bleeder walked me on the very soft grass. It was not a good pee experience, as the grass was a little too tall and tickled delicate po-po area. It also hid the dead cicadas from me. I could smell them... couldn't find them, so disappointing.

Then we walked all around the big building. There was another puppy in the window that looked just like me. Very beautiful puppy, long legs, dreamy eyes, a real good looker.

Some people came riding the very loud bicycles and the Bleeder kept me away from them, but close enough to watch. At first I didn't really like the loud noise, but curiosity got the better of me as they got closer and parked. Wasn't that scary after all.

We walked some more around the building, but I wasn't able to snorfle any of the plentiful dead cicadas. The Bleeder says "leave it" and I gotta leave it... even though I don't want to leave it... I try to leave it... but tasty.

Then we went into the building! Lots of people ooooh'd and awwwwwed at me and came over to pet me, and I was on my best behavior and didn't torpedo anyone in the nether regions or scratch and claw them. One guy even showed the Bleeder his husky (who was stunning) and he clearly knew how to handle me!

The Bleeder and I went shopping around the store. I tried to point out some clothes that would be an improvement over the Bleeder's typical sleepy pants and bloody t-shirt attire. Just because she's home, she could dress up a bit better and not look like roadkill. I tried to steer her more to the orange and red spectrum clothing to hide all of the blood she spontaneously leaks after I chew or claw her. 

Then we went into an office, where Toast was getting some kind of warranty thing on his loud bicycle. It took a long time, so I scoped out some of the other loud bicycles in the shop, trying to hint that a side-car would be a nice addition so I could ride along... pair of doggles, perhaps a jaunty scarf blowing in the breeze.

I'd make that look good

No, seriously, does that come in red to match my furs?

Finally I decided to make myself at home if this was going to drone on for a while

Human stuff is SOOO boring. When do we get to tear something apart?

It was pretty hot outside and what with the laps around the building, I figured a nap might be in order.

Then I noticed that paperwork lady had some pretty cool shoes...

Those look like some tasty laces... it would be a shame if something were to happen to them

When we got home I lay on my favorite kitchen vent and it grabbed my collar tags and tried to kill me. It was worth it watching the humans totally freak out. They didn't seem to care that I broke the vent... more air gets blown onto my belly anyway, so I don't think it's broken, I'd say I made an improvement.

So nobody worries, my collar is only on when the humans are home and I'm supervised. I go naked in my crate. They had me in a very stylish break-away collar and you know what... I figured out how to get out of it and chew on it... because I'm smart like that.

In other news, I've lost quite a few of my baby teeth, there's three in a baggie (for some strange reason) in the pretty cabinet of wonderful smells of puppers past. The Bleeder is very pleased each time one comes out. Something about not looking like she fell arms first in a wood chipper.

I also discovered the magic of CHEESES!

Cheeses? Yes Pleases!

I'm also working through some issues, namely a soccer ball...

... and a duck...

... and a coffee table

Does this picture make my butt look big?

That's it for this week. Next week, I discover the wonders of showering with the Bleeder!


Friday, June 11, 2021

The Saga of My Toys

 Some people say I have too many toys.

I have no idea what they're talking about. I have just the right amount of toys, because apparently they just don't make toys like they used to.

For instance... this is my sticky bunny

Sticky Bunny is one of my favorites. When I get angry, I take it out on Sticky Bunny. I'm embarrassed to admit that I actually hump Sticky Bunny to show him who is boss. 

Mr. Toast calls him Sticky Bunny even though he's not a bunny, but he is pretty sticky, for some reason. 

I love my sticky bunny.

Unfortunately, Sticky Bunny suffered a fatal blow to the head that caused his stuffing to come out and some of it landed in my mouth (I have an airtight alibi, I was nowhere near him at the time).

R.I.P. Sticky Bunny

Here is my lamy

I love you so much Lamy, I won't let anything happen to you

Lamy was my best friend

For some odd reason, Lamy caught a wasting disease after suffering from a hole in the neck. It was a spontaneous thing, I was napping at the time. I didn't care, I still loved desiccated Lamy.

At one point Desiccated Lamy also started shedding long strings, and was also turning a bit crunchy... then disappeared. I like to think he's just on vacation.

My Wubba

My Wubba lasted 1 day, then exploded. I'm pretty sure I was out in the yard taking a tinkle at the time, so I had nothing to do with it, but did you know that the ball part of a Wubba is actually a regular tennis ball with an itty bitty tennis ball at the top?

Squeaky Ball

I don't even want to go into the mindset of whoever developed these things. Sure they are squeeky, and boy can they fly, and they are so much fun to chase and chomp on, but the fluff on them is like a floofy coating that comes apart with normal wear and savaging... I mean play. I can unfluff one of these things in a heartbeat, and then I get all sorts of fingers in my mouth sweeping the green fluff out before I can swallow it. It's like cotton candy, right? What's the big deal?

Wally Gator

Wally Gator was billed as "indestructable". AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA

WOW, seriously? Great fun, although Wally didn't squeak, which was a bummer, but he did make some sort of crackly noise when you chewed on him, so that was fun. He was great for "fetching", and flinging around though.

Wally suffered a devastating contusion of the right jaw, which set about a cascade effect of lots of tasty strings that aren't good for puppies to swallow. He succumbed to his injuries and was buried in the world's most expensive trash can. We held a service for him, it was touching.

Mr. Moose

Clearly Mr. Moose was defective right out of the box. I suspect an aneurism.  I was visiting the shower room when this happened. Witnesses say he clutched his head and fell over.

Mr. Moose was interned in a lovely black bag along with coffee grounds and that head of lettuce the humans forgot about in the fridge.

My Teddy

I've had My Teddy since I got to this place. For some odd reason he's disappeared... I don't know why. Hopefully he'll show up again soon.

Sticky Bunny II

The humans felt bad when Sticky Bunny passed, so I got a new Sticky Bunny.

I'm pretty sure that Sticky Bunny II will last a long time....

Sunday, June 06, 2021

It's All in the Family

 There seems to be a lot of talk on the Socials about how fast I'm growing. 

Well, it's true, the Bleeder says I'm like a weed and take after my mom. My mom is tall and lanky and leggy, and has such a bubbly personality. My dad, it is said (since I never got to meet him) was more stocky and floofy.

Mom went on a blind date to the gentleman's house and we were all conceived... or so we thought.

When the DNA tests came back, guess who had a different father from the rest of the litter... yep.

It seems that there were two gentlemen at the sleep-over and my mom took a shining to the other gentleman and unbeknownst to the "hotel" mom escaped from the honeymoon suite and snuck over to the other gentleman's room, and they had a quick little visit, so short that the concierge felt certain that no shenanigans could have occurred...  

Thus, my middle name is Shenanigans... or MotherHussy, or GET OFF OF MY TOE, or more frequently OMG I NEED ANOTHER BANDAID.

My real daddy was also lanky and leggy, and explains why all of my brothers and sisters looked like floofy mack trucks while I'm a petite little flower.

One of these things is not like the others

Having tall parents puts me at a HUGE leg up (get it) on counter surfing (my new favorite past time) 

Is that for me? I'm sure that's for me

I know that's for me Bleeder, give it to me

In other news, I've discovered THE SHOWER!!!!
The shower is wonderful... as long as it's not for me.
I get halfway in the shower and snap at the water, and stomp on whatever bare feet happen to be in the way, and then I pull the curtains aside like out of Psycho...

They also have these spongey things that they make foam up and those look like great fun, so there's some amount of snapping at them while the humans wipe with them... which explains why I'm no longer allowed in the bathroom when they take showers. I really want to get into the shower then, but the door is shut, so I tried ripping my way through and now there's a barrier of rugs to keep me from ripping up the carpet. These people and their rules.

I also love ice cubes

and Cicadas... I LOVE cicadas! I love them so much that I have to be leashed walked or else I make the yard my buffet and then have ghastly accidents in the house.

More on that, my Sticky Bunny, the buttons, and other interesting tidbits that I just haven't gotten around to telling in my next installment.