Saturday, May 31, 2014

Sam's Spa Days

Just to show you how unfair my life is... I told you about how I went to the vet and got poked, prodded, and my precious nails stolen from me, and how the Human Woman pays for all of this torture with my poo.

When I mentioned the horrible trip to Mutatoe and Spineless Bionic Hip, Kneee... oh good gah, too many maladies to list Sam, he told me that he LOVED going on his car rides because he gets massaged, pampered, plenty of treats, and some laser thing that was warm and felt good.

Harumpf... seriously?

But that all changed the other week when he came home from his spa to announce that he had been duped all this time!  No doubt the massage and warm laser thing was just a trick to get him comfortable for THIS!

Holy Mother of everything wrong, what is this thing I'm in???

No, there must be a horrible mistake, I'm suppose to be in the dimly lit room with soothing music getting my massage and warm laser, let me out!





Oh yeah, he was NOT happy at all when he came home and told me all about the horror.

He did everything possible except call the SPCA on the Human Woman the next week she dragged him out of the house and to the watery icky treadmill.

"It's for your well-being, it will make you stronger and happier" she kept saying.

Well... the second week he came home and pretty much threw himself in his crate and wouldn't move.  he was really creaky (angry) and sore.

The Human Woman didn't seem to bat an eyelash at it the first 2 days, but when he didn't seem any better by day 3... or 5... she got all concerned and worried and fretted and freaked out.

When Friday rolled around, she dragged poor Spineless out to the truck again, but this time he came back all happy again.  Apparently the underwater treadmill torture is too much for his gimpy body, and so he's back to getting his massages and warm laser.

Well played Sam... well played!

- Meeshka

Saturday, May 17, 2014

My Trip to the Vet

I knew this was coming because I overheard the Human Woman tell the Human Man that she had to take me to the vet for my rabies vaccine and (gasp) nail clipping.

Thankfully the weather was horrendous.  Torrential downpour of rain at the very moment we had to leave for the vet.  I set about my diabolical plan of refusing to get into the truck.  No amount of bribing, cajoling, or threatening would get me into the truck... until I was sufficiently wet.

It is well known in the Siberian Husky world that we huskies have amazing double coats.  The scotch-guarded top coat that allows us to wallow in mud and yet just shake it off, and the downy soft undercoat that comes out in clumps during our shedding season (which lasts approximately 364 days a year).

If we stay out in the rain long enough, all of that water soaks into our downy undercoat and stays there like a giant sponge.  If we loaded up with enough water, we could slowly trot across the largest desert and still be damp and hydrated when we got to the other side.

Once I was sufficiently loaded up with water, I then jumped into the back of the truck... and waited.

Yes, you have to choose your moments wisely.  Too early and the water distribution is not sufficient enough for a reaction.  Too late and the torrent of water is wasted... you must wait until the Human Woman is buckled into the driver's seat, and preferably when she's on a busy highway and concentrating really hard... and then you shake.

The containment of the truck, the closed windows all make for the perfect environment for the spray of cold hairy shake water.  It's best if you can position yourself in the middle of the front seats for the best effect.

Then you laugh and laugh

This also means that once you arrive at your destination, you are dry and pretty, while the Human Woman...

... not so much.

I made sure to make my disdain for the place known with a very well placed poo, which was immediately gathered in a green plastic bag and given to the person at the front desk.  I can only assume that my poo is so precious that it is used as a form of payment and explains why the Human Woman gathers it daily.

As usual, I was forced into a horrible little room that smelled of other dogs who had undergone horrendous procedures, like temperature taking, and teeth looking, and even ... finger in the po-po.

I asked politely if I could leave... and was denied.

I was dragged, screaming, to the back room of torture.  You must scream before they do the procedures, because it keeps them off-guard and they feel bad for making you scream... and it also warns other dogs from miles around that this is the place where bad things happen.

With my precious and well sharpened claws clipped, I was escorted back to the little room where they listened to me breath, poked me in the po-po, then jabbed me with a sharp needle.

I was then taken to the shop of many good smells and encouraged to pick out something special.  I can only surmise that this offer was out of pure guilt, and that by refusing everything offered to me caused the Human Woman even more guilt.  It is worth not having a new chewbone to cause her more anguish.

She finally took me home where I was questioned and sniffed by the Mutatoe and Bionic Hip, Knee, Spineless Underwater Treadmill dog Sam.  I told them of the horrors of my trip and warned them against going anywhere with the Human Woman.  Sam scoffed and said that all of his trips out were relaxing and fun... he is clearly delusional.

Thankfully I am strong enough to overcome such attempts to diminish my dignity.

You will have to try harder Human Woman and I shall defeat you every time!

- Meeshka

Thursday, May 01, 2014