Sunday, December 25, 2022

Furry Christmas

 We wish you a Furry Christmas!

I wished that Santa would bring snow... he didn't.

I got a stuffed duck... that lasted 4 minutes.

I had to go out back to poo on a leash because the trees were raining down tasty sticks. The only real fun in that was it forced Bleeder and Toast to come outside and freeze while I tried to gather all of the fallen tasty sticks and forget to poo.

I guarded my collection of gutted stuffies so Bleeder wouldn't take them away from me.

I had to hold my own chew bone.

As I slept peacefully, Bleeder tried to sneak attack and clip my gnarly dew claw. She was not successful.

The only good thing is that both Bleeder and Toast have the whole week off to cater to my whims, take me for walks, and play with me.

On the bright side, they are sharing the Danish cookies in the decorative tin with me, but the portion sizes are not up to par.

I hope you are all having a lovely Christmas and get to spend time with your loved ones, both 2 and 4 legged.

- Casey -

Sunday, December 18, 2022

It's What You Wanted, So Why Are You Mad?

 Living with these humans is so confusing. So many contradictions. 

Chase and bring the ball back but don't run straight into their legs.

Snuggle in bed but don't take up the entire foot of the bed.

Wake them with gentle licks, but don't stand on their chest.

We've had a LOT of rain. LOTS of rain. LOTS and LOTS of cold, icy rain.

Of course they want me to stand on my kitchen rug and snorfle for treats while they towel me off. Is it my fault that Bleeder was in brushing her teeth with some kind of contraption and not chewing on the tasty veggiedents and was not available to wipe me off?

No, and since I've been told to shake off first before I'm gently toweled off, I thought I would be nice and just come to her in the bathroom.

She was rather upset about that for some reason... and was preoccupied with drying herself with the towel, so once again, I took it upon myself to towel off, leaving her alone to do whatever it was she was doing.

Apparently, this was also not acceptable, and I just give up with them.They are impossible.

Sunday, December 11, 2022

I Have a Grievance

 I don't ask for much (and it's a good thing because the help around here is USELESS).

But is it too much trouble to feed me on time?

I have an automated food dispenser. Three times a day it spits out my ration of kibbles into a bowl. It's located in the kitchen, squished next to a loud filtration system (something about sucking up all my flying furs), and some huge water jug full of change.

What kind of ambiance is this? You expect me to eat here? Fed dry kibble out of a vending machine on a cold floor among all this junk? I also hate eating out of it because my head hits the stupid machine. Who designed this?

So, once my food is dispensed, I must wait on my servants to properly fix my meal. I just had to wait 19 minutes while Bleeder was scrolling through Instagram, oblivious to my starvation.

Excuse me... I'm starving

I also refuse to eat out of the tipsy bowl, so they must take my fancy bowl, clean it out thorough, warm it, place the foodables in the bowl and apply the appropriate amount of low-fat shredded mozzarella cheese (I prefer the whole milk variety, but some utter BS about my waist line).

Sometimes I prefer a moist, canned food meal with cheese garnish. It is up to my servants to know what I prefer through osmosis. 

Send this back to the chef, this isn't what I wanted

If they get it wrong, then I proceed to push what I don't want out of the bowl, and push the bowl around the living room as a subtle hint. I do eat the cheese garnish though.

Once properly prepared, they must place the bowl in it's proper spot so that I may eat it comfortably.

Sometimes I stand.

Sometimes I lay and snack

I must be watched when I eat. If nobody is there to watch me, I won't eat. During the week, Bleeder stands in the kitchen in a corner holding her coffee with both hands mumbling something about coal mines, peopling, and stupid. She can't see me from there so I must scoot my bowl to the kitchen door. She has learned to just put it there in the mornings, so she is trainable.

During the weekends I have to stomp on one of them at 0500 because the food has dispensed so they can get up, feed me, watch me eat, and then I saunter back to bed with whoever slept through my feeding. The feeder is "already up" and mumbles something about not being able to go back to bed (it's right there... just get in).

They tell me that their life would be easier if I just ate from the feeder. They are more than happy to open the door so I can access my dog door to do my business, and then it's not asking too much to eat out of the feeder bowl.

Yes, it IS asking too much. I have needs, so suck it up, wash my bowl, warm it, sprinkle my cheese and watch me eat.

Sunday, December 04, 2022

The Season of Giving

 Apparently this month is the season of giving. I have no idea what that means, I give year round: fur, scratch marks, bruises, my butt in their face, sticks.

Why, this morning I bequeathed Bleeder with this remarkable branch that I found in the yard. I had to chisel it just right and all I got for my troubles was "the look".

 I know, I know, it's not a dead bird, or squirrel (still trying), but it was the best I could do with the materials I'm allowed to have. I have to assume that sucking it up with the Dyson handheld was just her way of saving all of the bits of my special gift. I don't appreciate being chased outdoors with the handheld, and I curse the magic of cordless loud things as she actually chased me into the yard with it... something about getting some exercise. Well, she needs it. She spent all day yesterday complaining about a spike in her head because of the weather. Since she seemed so concerned about the weather, I made sure I went out in the rain and brought as much of it in as possible for her. Once again... no appreciation.

Anyway, I've received two very special gifts lately. The first one is nothing but trickery and deceit. It is called "the Diggerdog Nail file" (also available on Amazon). It comes from Australia (where everything tries to kill you, or so I'm told), and this is no exception. It wants to steal your sharp claws.

You see, although I'll happily prance into the vet clinic and go to the back room for attention and treats and delicately offer my paws up for clipping... that ain't happening at home. NOPE. I don't trust them with anything. I've seen them try to put together furniture with tools.

Right now I'm in the "introduction phase" where the treats go in, I lick the file and that's not fun, so I stomp on Bleeder, jump onto the crate and snag the bag of treats. Seems easier that way. Cuts out the middleman. I'll let you know how the rest of the training goes. It's just for front feets (by the way).

The second gift is MUCH better as it requires no feets action and is just stuffed full of nommy goodness and it's called a Pupsicle.

I really don't like Kongs except for the bone kongs. According to Bleeder, I'm lazy and give up too quickly. When I can't reach anything in a Kong I pick it up and fling it at the nearest human to signal that I need assistance. They bounce it back to me, so then I fling it at them harder. They aren't too fond of this game.

The Pupsicle can be filled with treats and nommy things, or your humans can fill the little ice cube tray with treats and nommy things and freeze it (same concept as freezing a Kong, but you make little balls that fit inside. 

Screw it up and tah dah, instant nommy fun. Dishwasher safe too, and made from really sturdy rubbery stuff that's also fun to chew. A lot less messy than a Kong (since I fling mine all over). Plus there isn't a bottom hole for things to melt and leak all over. Don't worry, the top has plenty of holes so there is no chance of creating suction and getting your tongue stuck. Bleeder says to remind me to tell you that all toys need supervision anyway, and remember to keep the bottom hole of a kong open when you freeze stuff in it as well.

It takes me about a half hour to finish up a frozen Woof Pupsicle, whereas it takes me about 10 minutes to get mad at my Kong and start flinging it, so Bleeder is quite happy about that. She fills it was canned food, some training treats and tiny dollop of low fat cream cheese. 

Well, that's about it, sure this sounds like an infomercial, but I need to tell you all about these things so you know what to ask your humans for during this most wonderful time of the season of giving year.

Honestly, all I really want is some snow.