Sunday, December 26, 2021

I Need To File A Grievance

 It is routine that when I come in from outside, I bring in a gift. What socialite doesn't show up at a house without a gift?

Some gifts are very lovely sticks (slightly chewed), or maybe a very delicate rock, the bigger the better. 

The host is supposed to take the gift, make a lot of fuss about how wonderful the gift is, and then give their guest a piece of cheese. The host then displays the lovely gift for all to see.

That's the ritual!

Today I came in with a very special stick. Not just any stick, this stick was cultivated from one of the trees in my yard (do you have any idea how much work goes into the selection of sticks?), and I gnawed on the end to make it look like... some form of something, and I carried it up the deck stairs, politely knocked on the door, and entered the abode.

My Host (Bleeder) told me what a lovely stick it was, but I can tell she was faking it. Something about "not enough coffee" or "you hogged the bed and I didn't get a lot of sleep" or "why am I awake at 0500 on a weekend".

I gently plooped the stick onto the kitchen floor, waiting for a better, more exuberant response, when Bleeder shuffles over to the dog treat section, breaks off a woefully small bit of a Pupp-a-roni and then says (are you ready for this) "Well?" when I didn't run up and take it.

"well??" Like I'm supposed to feel honored and loved with a bit of pre-processed dog treat that I get for low end accomplishments, like getting into bed and not clawing and stomping on them? Like I get as a secondary bribe for going into my crate when they go places? THIS? THIS is all you're giving me for my gift?

I'm not feeling very honored or welcome here! The topper was that Bleeder fed me the treat, and then threw my stick in the trash can... RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Something about "it's too big for the rock bowl". Too big? It's a piece of art! It should be framed and hung on the wall! That stick is a miracle of nature and artistry wrapped into one!

Her only saving grace from certain bandaids was that apparently it was a thing called Christmas, where gifts are given, and there's supposed to be all sorts of hoopla, a big tree (that would have been fun) and merriment, but it was generally another day called "Saturday" around here, but I did get gifts in the form of squeaky toys without stuffing.

I love squeaky toys, and I love stuffing. I don't like when I can't poop out the stuffing, and neither does Toast and Bleeder, so for my safety and their sanity, I get unstuffed squeaker toys, and yesterday I hit the motherlode.

Now I have two ducks, a kangaroo, and some other things... I can't remember because I was told that I could only have old duck and one new squishy toy at a time, so I picked the Roo. The rest went up for "when I destroy these two). So far I've turned Roo inside out, removed the velcro (you can stick a plastic bottle up it's hoo-ha for crinkly chewing, but I like eating velcro, so that doesn't last), and gutted one squeaker already. The 2nd squeaker was punctured and doesn't squeak, but it's still fun to chew on.

Wallowing in a squeaker wonderland

I've also surgically removed the squeaker out of a blue tennis ball and peeled the skin off, and then topped off the night with a Bully Bone chew.

I also dug three wonderful holes because it was sunny and 65 degrees here. I was promised snow, but you have to make holes out of disappointments.

Overall, it was a good Christmas. It would have been better if they had given me some of that tasty sirloin roast they had for dinner, but meh.

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Casey Q & A Session

Hello my adoring subjects,

Bleeder says I get a lot of questions on the Facing Books and the Instantly Grammar (humans have stupid names for everything), so I thought I would sit down on this rainy day (because Bleeder is all: aw heck no I'm not going out in this and throwing a soggy ball for you and then have you dig mud holes the size of small cars, and then clean your feet) and answer some of your questions.

Question 1: Do you "talk and sing"?

Answer 1: no. At least not when humans can hear me. I sometimes sing the song of my people when I'm crated and left alone... ALONE. But only when Bleeder or Toast don't put enough good things into my kong. Generally I just eat my kong and nap. It's more of a protest song. I make noises, and I will bark at evil things (a branch that appears from nowhere in my yard), I will make whiney noises because I want to get the two yappy neighbor dogs barking and running up and down the fence line, then I go to the middle of the yard and sit and wait for the neighbors to come out, apologize for the noise, and tell the yappies to shut up and escort them inside. That is a fun game. Bleeder keeps telling them that I instigate the whole thing and to just let them bark and run. I make noise when I have a good stretch.

Speaking of kongs, Bleeder has taken to stuffing it so tightly that it is impossible to get out. I'm left to fling it all over the house, bounce it off walls, stomp on it, but sometimes I have to give up and hand it over to Bleeder to "loosen it up" so I can get down in there. Bleeder is bitter and sadistic.

Question 2: What's the best thing you've destroyed in the house?

Answer 2: Meh, I don't destroy house things. I know, I know, what kind of husky am I? They leave shoes out and unguarded, they have things on lower cabinets, there is plenty of tasty leather couch to destroy, but I just don't. I do try to eat the one section of bedroom wall, but only because it had been peeled by huskies before me, therefore it is fair game. I nibble on a part of the carpet that was chewed before my time, but they put another rug on top of the carpet, so I generally leave that alone. There is this bass guitar thing that sits behind a gate next to Bleeder's desk like some kind of shrine. I've sniffed it, and it holds no interest to me, so I have no idea why there's a gate there.

Ok, I just remembered some house things I do destroy... but it's technically not inside the house. I like to peel the wood off the deck railings. That's fun. I also took all of the little rubber screw hiding circles off the deck chairs and ate them. Bleeder freaked out at those poop piles until she figure out what they were, then removed the rest from the chairs and table. Then I discovered the hard plastic tips that keep the fabric of the chairs from falling out... they're gonna get a big surprise this summer when they sit on them. Once again, Bleeder figured out what I was doing and removed most of them. I also chewed a bit on the side of the doorway, but they put a plastic gate over that part. I was sampling the lawnmower pull handle, but Bleeder covered it up with a tarp.

I enjoy destroying my toys. As soon as I destroy, more arrive in boxes (which I must sniff before they can be opened, and chewed on for a bit), and it seems to be a never-ending supply of toys, so... I like the fluffy squeaky toys, but those are getting fewer and fewer for some reason. 

I destroyed 3 dog beds and 1 crate pad. I like the current Casper dog bed, so I leave it alone. I also like my bedroom Wash-N-Zip bed. I typically sleep on the fancy sleep number bed with Toast and Bleeder, but there are times that I like to spread out near the air vent and my Wash-N-Zip is perfectly placed near the vent where Meeshka used to sleep, so if it's good enough for her...

Question 3: How do you maintain your sleek figure without another husky to play with?

Answer 3: It is difficult being an only dog, but the benefits outweigh having to share my toys, and food, and attention. I consider Bleeder to be a weaker, less furry, very annoying, lazy, bleedy, and slow playmate. I can easily convince her to come out and play ball, or chase me with the leaf bag around the yard, or throw the ring. When I get good and riled up, I like to play "run as fast as I can, leap into the air and try to knock her down without hitting her". She really loves that game. Toast plays with me too, but he's got rules to follow, is slower, and doesn't understand that I get distracted easily, so he thinks I'm done and goes back inside. I try the leap up and claw on both Bleeder and Toast, but they have NONE OF THAT.

They also take me for walks, although I'd rather the walks be a lot longer, that they allow me to pull them, and that I can sniff more things, greet more people and dogs, and generally do what I want... but they won't let me.

I also enjoy tennis balls, and once I'm done playing with them, I peel off their soft outer covering.

I have a Fi collar that tracks my steps and my sleep too. Because I'm super competitive I'm trying to be the most active husky (currently I'm 797), but my near-term goal is to be the most active dog in the Balmer area (currently I'm #20).

I dig holes.

Chasing squirrels is another favorite past time. I will get them. I will.

Question 4: What is your favorite food?

Answer 4: ooooh so many to choose from. I LOVE cheese. Any type of cheese. I have my very own bag of cheese sticks for when I'm a good girl, or for when I need to "trade up", or when I daintily give them my paw to shake. Trade up is great, because I'll go out in the yard, and find a random thing (typically a large rock) and come back in, ploop it out on the kitchen floor and wait for my trade up. They keep my rocks on display on the kitchen table until the basket gets too full, then they empty it and I have to start over. When I was a puppy they used to carry treats in a pouch into the yard because I was constantly into things I wasn't supposed to chew/eat/play with. They don't do that any more, which is a shame. They just let me gnaw on any ol thing now.

I LOVE POPCORN! I know that sound, and I stand and wait at the microwave for it to get done.

Then Toast will sit on the couch and hand feed me pieces once it has cooled. What a cushy gig I have.

I love coffee! They leave coffee cups sitting around all the time, so... I figure they meant that I can drink it. I'm also very good at leaning into the kitchen sink and drinking out of cups in there. Once again, I'm compared to the "sink sucker Loki", but he couldn't have been such a freak if he, too, enjoyed a nice cup of cold sink coffee.

I like my kibbles. I'm glad I managed to convince them to get rid of that nasty, bland chicken kibble and on to the tasty sensitive stomach Pro Plan salmon kibble. 

Question 5: How old am I?

Answer: I will be 1 year old on January 21st. Time flies.

Sunday, December 05, 2021

My Daily Walks

That title is totally misleading because if Toast and Bleeder aren't feeling up to it after their day at "work", then we don't go on a walk. They claim they work, but I'm a working breed, they aren't working, they sit in front of the computers all day, if they were working they would be pulling that desk with all of the computers on it for a 1,000 miles. How tired can you be sitting for 8 hours? I nap most of the day and I'm refreshed and ready to go, so should they.

But I digress: my daily walks are fun, I really love them. I get to sniff strange things squished into the street, pee mail at the hydrants and road signs, meet different people and dogs... although the dogs at this one house are awful, run free in the yard while their human says things like "Muffin, MUFFIN, come to mommy", while Muffin (who looks like a used wire brush) is in the middle of the street trying to look all big and ferocious for a poodle while I just wag my tail slowly and plot ways to shake that squeaky toy. Bleeder and Toast are not happy with that human, or Muffin.

But I digress again. In case you haven't noticed, I have a short attention span because I'm a busy puppy.

Toast and Bleeder have tried a few harnesses on me with varying degrees of success. For me, success means "comfortable enough to drag Bleeder down the street at will". Success to Toast and Bleeder clearly mean something else, so after 4 harnesses they finally settled on this very stylish and badass looking Goat Trail Tactical SSGLex Harness.

I went with black because it goes better with my furs. It came with some little back packs that can be used to carry your spare poo bags, a snack, a flashlight, small knife, air fryer, and a 67 chevy... ok, maybe not that big, but they are cute and fun to try to rip off your back, so apparently I have to wait until I'm "more mature" before they snap the backpacks on... all a part of my plan to never carry backpacks. I'm a working breed, not a mule.

There are several really horrible things about this harness:
  1. The snaps are VERY secure.
  2. The leash connectors are metal and VERY secure
  3. It's very adjustable, which means it's very tight, but comfy, but I can't back out of it
  4. It has a rubber handle near the neck, which means if a stupid squirrel runs out in front of me, it's easy for Bleeder or Toast to grab and control me, no flimsy fabric handle that twists and hurts their hands.
  5. It's got leash connectors at the back and front.  THE FRONT? UGH, this is the worst because it keeps me from dragging them down the street. It keeps me from veering wildly back and forth as I drag them down the street. It keeps me from lunging at things as I drag them down the street. This part is the suckiest part of all.
So, I get nothing from Goat Trail for warning other huskies about this horrible harness, and now that I've mentioned all of the horrible things, I'm pretty sure your humans will go and buy one, and for that, I'm sorry... but it is comfy and stylish, and honestly if it gives Toast and Bleeder the confidence to take me on walks, then I guess I'll just have to make do.

My second form of exercise is chasing, gutting, and destroying these balls.

Immediately get on your human's computer and order about 50 of the large ones.  They are great fun. I have two in various stages of destruction. The rubber foam innards are not tasty, but are fun to rip out and leave all over the yard, the carpet, the kitchen tile, in your furs. Best of all, they bounce really high, the roll very fast, and they simulate chasing tasty squirrels if tasty squirrels were made of neon orange rubber foam covered balls... at least that's what I image squirrels taste like because I have yet to catch one, but I'm still young.

This is how I tell Bleeder that I want to play:

Get your lazy butt out here and play with me now!

While I know most of you aren't "fetchers", this is why you need more than one. Bleeder throws one ball, you chase it... run around the yard and shake it dead, then drop it, then Toast tosses the other while Bleeder gets the first ball, repeat. See! 

Seriously, put the stupid phone down and play with me

I also recommend this wheel of doom

It's pretty sturdy for a foam wheel of doom and I have yet to destroy it. It's not only fun to chase and chomp on, but it's a great tug of war toy as well. Get the large, you'll thank me later.

So, this is how I maintain my girlish figure, well, that and stalking squirrels and digging up the dead tree stump in the back yard because Toast and Bleeder were too cheap to get the stump grounded out when they had the tree cut down... that's ok, I'll do it for them and dig a lovely hole in the process. Working breed work is never done!

I'm also going to send a shout out to Peppy Pooch and their very tasty chewables, made in the USA.

Very nom, and Bleeder says they don't stink

The bully sticks are delish as well. I'd like to have them every days, but I'm told they are for special occasions... like when I'm spastic and won't leave Bleeder or Toast alone for "FIVE FRICKEN MINUTES OHMYGERD JUST LET ME DO THIS ONE THING CASEY" and that's when I get a tasty chewy.

So, just sharing some of my favorite things. I don't get anything for sharing, just want to let you all know what things to ask your humans for that I find fun. Sure, I still play with my Wicked Bone (after the wheel got glued back on), and with Wicked Ball. I have a box full of toys, and once in a while I go and pick out one I haven't played with in a while, plop it in the middle of the floor and repeat that until all of my toys are in the middle of the living room walk area... the goal of this game is to see which one (Bleeder or Toast) steps on a toy and yells, falls, or kicks it out of the way. When the kicking happens, I chase it and put it back somewhere else inconvenient to them (like on the couch where they'll sit on it). Fun times!

Have a fun day annoying your humans!