Friday, May 30, 2008

My not so excellent adventure

Ok, so yesterday morning it was business as usual, EXCEPT the human woman forgot to feed us!!! Can you believe that? She went about her usual business of getting ready for work and didn't even feed us. I couldn't believe it and I clawed her a few times to kick start that slow morning brain of hers, but no amount of clawing or coffee would get her to remember to put food in our bowls. This whole slavery to the opposable thumbs has to stop! I held out hope that the meager portion of goodies in my morning kong bone would sustain me until lunch.

Around the time that the humans normally give us kong bones, they herded the gimpies outdoors and got my harness and leash! Oh goody, we're going out for breakfast and the gimpies will just starve, I'm all for that. So I pranced and woo'd all cute and got my harness on while the Mutatoe was outside screaming like a banshee and beating on the back door. Hehe, starve Mutatoe, I'm going out for breakfast!

We got in the truck and off we went. I was thinking in my head all of the goodies that I would order. I've heard so much about scrambled eggs and bacon that I thought I'd try that as an appetizer and move on to the more substantial stuff.

We passed every food place there was, and no amount of woo'ing or stomping of my delicate little feet (or clawing) would get them to turn around. Instead, we turned into... THE VET PLACE! Ok, maybe they were serving breakfast there.

I went inside and got introduced to that stupid black lab stuffed dog that kicked the Mutatoe's ample ass. I didn't fool me at all (I have pictures to prove it if the human woman would get off her ample ass and download them). They put me on the scale and I'm still a svelte 70 lbs.

Another human came around and put something stupid around my neck that had my name written on it. Um, this collar is NOT bling at all, please remove it. But instead, the humans let this other human put another collar around my neck, took off my harness and then I was dragged, kicking and screaming (ok, they told me I'd get treats in the back room so I went willingly) into the back room. The humans left me. What is going on here?

I spent most of the day in a horrible little crate room thing, and there was no room service at all, even though I asked everyone that walked by to send me up some nice eggs and bacon. Finally they came to get me and I expected a lovely brunch, as it was getting late, but no, they stuck me in the leg with something and I fell asleep. I have no idea how long I was out, but when I woke up my mouth hurt and MY CLAWS WERE GONE!!!!

Oh, this is simply ridiculous! Sure my teeth needed cleaning but did they have to thwart my super-dog claw power?

No lunch, and finally the humans came to get me, I literally dragged the vet woman to the front room and begged the humans to take me home and feed me. I overheard them say something about waiting an hour after I got home before feeding me, and I just scoffed at that idea. I'd claw the human woman immediately upon entering the house and demand my food.

We got home and the gimpies sniffed me all over, annoyingly so, I ran out into the yard and took a poo because I really had to go, seriously, all day, nobody asked if I needed to go out. On top of not eating I had to hold it.

The human woman was walking around doing house stuff so I gave her a claw to remind her that hello, I'm hungry, give me food... nothing. Clawed again. Its like I'm a declawed cat or something, my claws have no power anymore! Didn't even leave a mark on her bare skin. This is horrible! She laughed at me!

An hour after I got home I got my meager portion of food, nothing special to welcome me home, or sympathy food. I got a pill shoved down my throat, no livergreat or nothing. After I ate, I was just too exhausted to argue any more, so I stalked off and went to bed. Stupid humans.

This morning I did get my pill in livergreat, so I forgive the human woman for that, but still, no claws. How will I rule the world without my claw of fear? Hmm, my teeth are nice and clean. So I dragged the human woman off her chair by the arm. Yeah, that will do until I can cultivate another set of razor sharp talons.

Thanks to Turbo for keeping the world under control while I was out of it, I'll take back the mantle of power again now. Of course until I get my weapons back, I'll lead by the power of very bright teeth.

(clawless, but still fluffy)

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Ow My Claws

I'm still a bit goofed up on the sleepy juice and having NOT eaten all day until just now (a meager portion if you ask me), I'm a tad bit sleepy, so I'm going to not post about my NOT so exciting day out of the house until tomorrow.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm fine and my teeth are clean, and my sharp talons of doom have been taken from me... how can I punish my human woman when I bat her on the leg and its like hitting her with a soft, fluffy pillow????

More tomorrow, right now I need to nap on the human woman's head.

(while I'm out of commission, please note that Turbo is in charge of the world)

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day, such memories

Its been a very exciting day here in Castle Meeshka!

The human woman finally stopped horka'ing in the porcelain bowl and after laying in bed for about 24 hours, she got up. We didn't mind her laying around all day and all night as the human man fed us, and he always gets the amount wrong. Not only that, but they had leftover bland rice that the human woman didn't eat, so we got a late night snack of that in our bowls mixed with a bit of tasty water.

Oh, I forgot to mention (because its so horrible) but the human woman did get up once last night. Apparently she wasn't too keen about my clawing her bloody when the stupid humans down the street starting setting off firecrackers (I didn't realize that Memorial day was a day for setting off firecrackers, but apparently the idiots that live down the street think that payday is a reason to set off firecrackers). I had to wear the t-shirt, and to show my displeasure, I totally mangled Bionic hip spineless Sam's cushy pillow. I'm guessing there is another reason why my delicate little feety nails will be clipped on thursday when my teeth are getting cleaned.

So, human woman gets up this morning and like a busy little bee, she hovers around the coffee pot until it was done brewing (having learned her lesson from that little incident where she stuck her face under the spout), and stood there leaning until the first two cups were done, then she went outside without us.

We always enjoy it when she does that. Usually it means that she's cutting the grass so that it doesn't tickle our delicate po-pos, but this time not only did she do that, but she also gave us something new to play in. Apparently its called "Quikrete" and it now covers the holes in the concrete that the deck people jacknifed into the concrete pad in the back. We liked the holes they dug for us because there was tasty things in there, and it was fun to dig in there. Apparently the human woman got tired of us doing that, so she Quikreted over the holes. The fun part is that it wasn't exactly dry when she let us out, and of course, since its new, we had to inspect it. Our feety feets are now immortalized in the quik (but not quik enough) krete!

She put poo on the paver blocks she threw down the other day, so we can't dig those up, might as well have fun with the quikrete, and boy did we ever. There are some Sammy paws, and some Mutatoe paws, and some of my tiny delicate feet and claws... hmm, maybe a trimming wouldn't be half bad.

The human woman is also planning a trip apparently. She should be packing any moment now to "go insane". I think the human man is going too, and he's only packing his one last straw. I really don't know why they picked this time to take a trip, especially when the kitchen sink started leaking all over. Someone is coming out to fix that today, so I guess they'll be leaving on their trip after he fixes the kitchen sink. I hope they remember to leave out enough food for us until they get back.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Human Woman Horka

Apparently the human woman ate something that didn't agree with her, she's been doing the horka in the porcelain water bowl all day.

This made me realize how lucky we huskies are not to have long hair, as we don't have to worry about horka'ing peach activia in our fluff like she does.

As soon as she has recovered (we have her on a bland diet no matter how much she whines) I'll be back to post more.


Sunday, May 18, 2008

Meeshka's Big Adventure

Ok, it wasn't such a big adventure, I simply went to the vet and got poked, prodded, and abused.

It was fun (up until the poking and prodding) prancing out of the house while the gimpies screamed with jealousy from inside the house. Hey, they had their turns, so its only right that I get a chance to be chauffeured in my luxurious 4-runner, which I left in a very fluffy state.

I really do like the new clinic, all the interesting smells, and the owners have stupidly left a whole box of rawhide treats well within my reach. The human woman is wise to my exploits and pulled me away in time to save them from me.

I didn't get a chance to meet the stuffed lab dog that kicked Loki's ample ass, there was another dog that thought it was real and was barking at it, so I figured I wouldn't go over and destuff it in front of everyone. I did get to see another husky, who was certainly NOT breed standard by any stretch of the imagination, I'm guessing a pet store model. His owners had been basking in the admiration of the other humans until I sauntered into the place with my perfect fluffiness, and everyone literally ran over to me and told me how beautiful and fluffy I was. I allowed them to pet me, and even french kissed one woman, who seemed a bit shocked at how quick such a fluffy beauty such as myself could be.

Oddly enough they didn't have my own private exam room ready (an oversight on the vet place's part I'm sure) so we had to wait a bit for my exam. While all of the other dogs pulled and barked and jumped around and caused a ruckus, I simply lay down at the human woman's feet, crossed my little dainty front paws and watched all of the chaos and laughed to myself. What morons. I was so stylish in my blue harness and everyone watched me with adoration.

When it was my turn, they took me into a room and that's where the usual horrible things happened. I screamed really loud when they tried to put that nasty thermometer in my butt. I mean come on, that's just not right, but at least I was in a private room and nobody could see it happen, but I made sure that everyone KNEW that I was being tortured.

Apparently I'm going to have to get my teeth cleaned. They haven't been as white as they should be and some are giving me some issues. I don't know why I just can't wear those cool teeth whitening strips I see on tv, but apparently they'll have to knock me out and clean them for that deep down clean. I also heard the human woman mention something to the effect of "while she's out, clip her toenails". Um... excuse me? So, yes, there is apparently a plot to rid me of my lethal weapons when I can't protest.

Before they can clean my teeth and steal my weapons they had to take some blood from me, so I got to go with the vet tech person. I really didn't want to leave, but since she insisted, I left with her... then proceeded to introduce myself to every dog in every exam room, inspect all of their equipment, jump on tables that apparently held important things, and generally was a wonderful pest. My humans later said that all they could hear was "Meeshka, no, Meeshka leave that alone, Meeshka over here, no Meeshka, MEESHKA" while I was gone.

When I returned, I tried to leave, thinking all of that horrible stuff was over with, but no... I had to get my shots and that crap sprayed up my nose. I hate the stuff in the nose, didn't even feel the shots through all of my fluffy, but the nose thing! Like last year, I turned my head at the last minute but this time the human man got it right in the face. hehehe! They brought another one in and got me though.

While the human man paid the bill, I relaxed outside in the shade. Please note that in order to be a fashion model, you must be able to strike the same pose no matter what the location. This time I opted for a minor variation of the paw crossing, but nailed the behind the shoulder, slightly amused look once again.

Oh, I guess for some reason I need to mention that I weighed in at a very svelte 71 lbs. For some reason the humans gasped at this number and mentioned something about a diet again. I have noticed that my food portions have shrunk again. I guess I'll just have to steal some of the Mutatoe's food if they get serious about this diet thing. If anyone needs to lose some weight off his ample ass, its the Mutatoe.


Thursday, May 15, 2008

Human (Woman) Rights Day

Apparently the humans have declared this day their “rights” day. Um, hello? You have opposable thumbs, you can drive cars, you can go into grocery stores without being chased out, and you want RIGHTS?

FINE, so I sat down after my nap and came up with the Human (Woman) Bill of Rights. It goes something like this:

You have the right to curl up into a tiny ball so that we can stretch out and take up most of the bed.
You have the right to get up at 5:30 am and let us out and feed us breakfast.
You have the right to towel us off if we’re wet and muddy
You have the right to work hard so you can buy us the best dog food, which we’ll snub and demand something better.
You have the right to scratch my belly. No, I mean right now, scratch it, I have an itch.
You have the right to stand at the door and open it when I demand to come in, then out, then in, then out, then in... etc.
You have the right to fill my water bowl with fresh clean water after I’ve washed my dainty feet in it.
You have the right to feed me oyster crackers at bed time.
You have the right to be clawed... often... for no reason... be happy about that!
You have the right to have me breathe on your face with my dog food breath in the morning just because I want to, and because you are hogging the pillow.
You have the right to use me as a foot warmer, as long as you scratch my belly with your toes.
You have the right to step in a nice cold pile of yick in the morning if I’ve horka’d sometime during the night.
You have the right to consume mass quantities of my dog hair in your food
You have the right to feed my your table scraps, you just don’t choose to exercise that right and I think you should take advantage of it more.
You have the right to brag that you have the fluffiest, sweetest, most adorable husky in the land... oh yeah and those other two

So humans, you do have a lot of rights, so SHUT UP and scratch my belly.


Saturday, May 10, 2008

Happy Human Woman's Day

Ok, so officially its called "mother's day", but the human woman will have to do.

We tried to get the celebration off to an early (day early) start by surprising the human woman with a gift, but she spoiled our surprise by catching Loki with the gift in his mouth. Oh sure, she didn't seem very surprised that he had somehow managed to ooze himself between the "Husky proof" fencing she spent hours putting up to keep us from getting behind the shed, nor was she overly thrilled with having to climb over the fence in a bath robe at 8 am in the morning in the rain (note to readers: the human woman wears sleepy pants EXCEPT when she's sleeping... yeah I know). She also didn't seem very pleased to have to wrestle the dead bird out of Loki's jaws and toss it over the fence (some people are never happy with their gifts) or lifting the Mutatoe's ample ass back over the fence when he somehow couldn't get back over it.

Ok, fine, so that didn't go over as planned. Sam tried his paws at spending some quality time with the human woman when they took him to the vet for his annual shots. Oh sure, we didn't scream and complain in our crates when they took Spineless Bionic Hip puppy out the door, we behaved very well.

Sammy was very nice and shared a lot of his fluff with the human woman, as much as possible on the ride there and back again. She seemed very pleased to have wet husky fur embedded in places she never thought it could embed. I guess you can say that we gave the gift that keeps on giving, as she was still pulling it out of her mouth when they left to run other errands.

After they got back from the errands, we decided once again that we would try to get her another gift, and sure enough, the bird gods answered our prayers and plopped another flightless wonder right in our laps (if dogs had laps). Once again, she didn't seem too keen about the bird (she probably already has one), and this one went over the fence as well.

I'm thinking that after all that work and planning, I'll just get the credit card and order some stupid flowers next year.

(By the way: Sam was not fooled by the big stuffed Lab at the vet office. I'm going next week, so I'll let you know how long it takes me to destuff that thing)

Friday, May 09, 2008

Proper Grub Clean Up Protocol

After one digs for grubs, especially when its raining, its very important to make sure that your delicate little feet are clean.

My humans are very accommodating, and provide me with my very own delicate feet bath in the kitchen. Of course, for some reason the Mutatoe thinks that its his water bowl, but what does he know.

Once I'm done digging for my snacks, I simply saunter up the stairs and wash my feet off in my bath, then walk around on the carpet until they are dry. Its very handy and I suggest that every pup (and girl-girl) ask their human for their own foot bath.


Sunday, May 04, 2008

The Fearless Mutatoe

Yesterday the sneaky humans herded Sam and I to our crates, tried to bribe us with stuffed kongs so we wouldn't notice them taking the Mutatoe out on his harness and leash. We were not fooled at all, and did our best to let them know that we were not at all pleased with being left at home while Mutatoe got to go someplace. We made sure to scream and howl pitifully until we heard their truck drive away. None of the neighbors even bothered to come save us even though we could be heard outside.

After what seemed like forever, the Mutatoe and humans came back, with Mutatoe smelling like the vet place. Oh, ok. I thought he was going someplace fun and exciting. He was very excited about his trip to the vet, where the humans held him down, stuck stuff up his butt, poked him with needles and squirted fluid in his nose (yeah, sounds like a hoot, doesn't it?) The exciting part was the fight that he got into while at the vet.

From what the Mutatoe said, there was this really stuck up black Labrador standing in the waiting room. Mutatoe said that he cautiously approached the Lab, wagging his tail in greeting and sniffed the Lab's privates in the universal doggie shaking of hands, but the Lab didn't have any parts down there! He said that the lack of parts really threw him off, so he postured and tried to dominate the Lab by putting his head on the Lab's neck, but the Lab started moving after him and made this strange "woof" noise throwing his voice to make it sound like the human man actually made the noise. Mutatoe told us that the Lab was challenging him to a fight so he play bowed the Lab and kicked his butt to make it known that he was not a Mutatoe to be pushed around. Everyone in the waiting room thought the fight was really funny, and the humans had to pull him off this slathering Hell beast and drag him to an exam room.

Sounds pretty impressive, I had to say that for once I found a minuscule bit of respect for the Mutatoe for standing up to this apparent Lab bully.

Yeah, that's until I heard the human woman talking on the phone to one of her human friends. Apparently here's the whole story:
What a dork.


Saturday, May 03, 2008

New HULA Member: Flurry

Flurry is quite the overachiever. She came from an abused past, humans weren't very nice to her at all, and on top of that, she had some horrible skin issues and she LOST HER FLUFF!!!

Lucky for her, she found a nice gullible human to take her in, and along with her new brother Aja, they are well on their way to driving their human woman to insanity at speeds too fast to even record.

I am very impressed with her skills, seeing how she was able to infiltrate the household pretending to be a cute, cuddly, non fluffy husky with absolutely no bad manners at all. Its this tactic that works very well for new HULA undercover operatives: act all cute and well behaved for the first few weeks to months and then spring into action.

Here is the evidence of Flurry's hard work and covert operations:

While her human woman was off ignoring her (and not spoon feeding her tasty treats or scratching her), Flurry helped herself to a very tasty lightbulb. Not just your average lightbulb, but one of those new energy efficient "green" lightbulbs that contain just a touch of mercury (which we all know that wasting energy is far worse than contaminating the ground water with mercury after millions of people start throwing these things into landfills... but I digress). This unselfish potentially dangerous act (eating glass AND mercury laden glass at that) caused Flurry's human woman to become unglued and freak out for no real reason, call her vet and whip out an e-mail to the human group she spends all of her time with instead of making sure that her sweet puppy was not sitting around chewing mercury laden glass products.

Not to be outdone, Flurry waited an entire day before striking again. This time, the human woman claims to have only been away from her for mere seconds, allowing our intrepid HULA operative to destroy home furnishings. Flurry's human woman readily admits that she should have kept a closer eye on our little now fluffy innocent husky, and that she should have never left the blanket on the floor at eating level, placing blame on herself rather than sweet, innocent Flurry (shown below admiring her handy work).

Congrats to you Flurry, and Welcome to the HULA Hoop.