Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sam Stares

There's one good thing about the Spineless Bionic Hip pup, and that is: he stares.

Whenever an icky bug gets into the house, he stares at it. He doesn't woo, or attack it, he just stares at it, wherever it flies or crawls, he stares.

This is handy for the humans, for when they do figure out that he's staring at something (other than Fox News), they'll go and squish the bug or suck it up in the vacuum cleaner (which attacked the human woman today, but that's just too embarrassing and deserves its own blog post).

The other day Sam saved the entire world by staring at a centipede on the ceiling, and then an icky beetle thing that same night. Either the human woman is negligent in her housecleaning duties, or the bugs are getting sneaky and finding a way into the house, either way, I'm not too keen about bugs in the house, at least bugs that aren't tasty. Now, if there were a massive grub infestation, I'd be all for that, but I doubt the humans would be.

Monday, July 20, 2009

My Most Excellent Vet Trip (sorta)

On Saturday I got to go for a ride in the newly remodeled Husky RAV. Its about time the human woman took out those back seats and made it purely MY chariot for rides to cool places, but so far the only place I've been was to the vet this weekend. I need to make it clear to her that going to the vet does not count as a cool ride.

I thought for sure that I'd be scott free, what with the human woman incompacitated by the stupid boot thing, but she was still able to drag me into the clinic and into a room. I didn't want to go, I know what they do there and its not pleasant at all. The human man had to step out of the room to take a phone call just as they rudely put a thermometer in a place where things aren't suppose to go in, only out. I screamed really loud and scared the human man who thought I was being skinned alive.

You will be pleased to know two things:
1.) I am down to a svelte 65 pounds thanks to my fat burning regimine of laying on the air vent and starving to death on the meager amount of food the human woman put me on. My doctor was very concerned about the weight loss until the human woman explained that she had been starving me to death to make me lose weight. I thought for sure my trusty doctor would tell her to feed me more, but she didn't. I hate my vet now.

2.) I would not hold still and allow them to squirt that kennel cough crap up my nose. No amount of people laying on me (a total of 3) could get me to sit still for that nonsense. I was able to throw all of them off me and make a run for it, but I was connected to the human woman and dragging that fat load down a slippery vet clinic hallway was impossible. They ushered me back into the room and poked me with yet another needle.

They gave my human woman a vial to collect my poop to bring in, and frankly I'm not pleased at all with that. What's mine is mine and I won't let her have any. I've made it a point to poo as far away from the house as possible so she doesn't want to gimp out there in her boot and gather my precious poo.

After all that exertion you would think I would get some extra food or at the very least more cheese sprinkles than normal, but no, the meager portion of food. Come on human woman, I'm so thin I may just waste away if you don't up the caloric intake pretty soon.

Just to make sure she knew I wasn't happy about my "trip" I sat on her head at bedtime and refused to move. Tomorrow I'll claw her broken foot.


Sunday, July 12, 2009

Fetch, the Husky Way

So the human woman snuck out last night with the Mutatoe and played throw the squeeky with him. I know she did this because my keen hearing heard the squeeking going on outside. I can’t hear the human woman yelling at me to get off her head (when I’m sitting on her head) and I can’t hear her tell me that I need to get a pill or get brushed, I can’t hear her when she’s screaming for me to stop standing on her broken foot, and I can’t hear her when she’s demanding that I come inside when its snowing, but I can hear the can opener, the food bin opening, the cracker container opening, and I can hear a squeeky toy in the back yard through closed doors.

So, in they come, the human woman gimping and complaining about being eaten alive by mosquitos (sure, complain about our fur on your furniture, its that fur that makes us impervious to mosquitos you hairless wonder), and the Mutatoe smells like squeeky toy.

Sure, she played for a good half hour with me in the house with the squeeky hot dog (that doesn’t taste anything like the hotdog I stole from the counter years ago, and nothing like the bratwurst I stole from the deck table), but if she’s going to spend quality time tossing a squeeky for the Mutatoe, then she’s going to throw one for me too!

The Mutatoe has the perfect husky “fetch” technique. He runs after the squeeky when its thrown, then makes it squeek a few times, sits down and waits for the human woman to gimp out to where he is so she can throw it again for him.

I have a small variation to this game, its called “hopeful optimism”. Human woman throws the squeeky toy, I run after it and run back at her full speed, veering at the last second to avoid her (although I have misjudged the distance a few times and layed her flat, or she’s moved in my way to get out of my way with the same hilarious result = human woman flat on her back keening and broken). Then the next time she throws it... I just stand there. Refuse to go get it. Just laugh at her while she tells me to go get it. Yeah right, you fool, you never learn now do you?

So I let her throw it, ran after it dutifully, then... out she had to gimp, going after the squeeky. She’ll then toss is close to me, dangle it above me, do everything including making strange animal noises to entice me to attack it... to no avail, then I refuse to come inside until she’s inside and sitting for 3.5 seconds, then I claw at the back door and scream.

Gosh I love playing with the human woman.

Never a dull moment

So, this weekend has been... weird.

The human man bought an expensive and VERY loud toy that they call "Vroomy" (apparently that's what the human woman calls it, the human man apparently doesn't like that name, but has yet to come up with anything else, so Vroomy it is), and he's been out riding it. I think its some kind of horse with horrible flatulence, as it sounds horrible and could probably use some tums or something.

The human woman was very kind to go out and buy me a new 24 inch iMac so that I didn't have to squint at the tiny laptop screen anymore. I fully expect her to leave the laptop in my crate during the day so that I can cruise the interwebs and order good chewy toys online while she's making money to support my chew toy addiction, but she said something like "um, no freakin way", which to me means "um, sure, let me run a cat 5 cable up here in case the wi fi goes out".

So, with the human woman still fully booted from the Wii incident, the human man off on his gaseous horse thing, what better way to spend the day than having a stupid fight. Loki tried jumping on the bed, but his ample ass weighed him down, so he fell pretty close to Spineless Bionic Hip puppy (good thing he didn't land on Spineless Bionic Hip puppy because Sam would have been crushed under the massive weight of the Ample Mutatoe ass). Mutatoe was all bent out of shape, having just been brushed by the bored human woman, so he took the fall and his combing out on Sam, who wasn't going to take any of his crap, which meant the human woman is screaming and pulling Mutatoe off of Sammywinks, losing balance because of the boot, flailing and screaming ensued, nobody got hurt (amazingly enough) and I had a good show from the safety of the bed.

The good thing about all of this is that the human woman thought I was "such a good girl" (said: such a goooood giiiiiiirrrrrrrl) about not wading into the stupid fight that she sat on the bed with me and held my chewy bone for me. hehehe, she's such a sucker.


P.S. I forgot to mention that I got to maul Indy's human woman and human man when they came to visit yesterday. I think that Mutatoe left a pee mail for Indy on them before they left.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Poppy Needs good thoughts

Go to Poppy’s blog and wish her luck with her spine surgery.

Spineless Bionic Hip Puppy Sam has a soft spot for the plucky little Chi, since she shares a spineless issue like he does.

I command you to have good thoughts and let Poppy’s human know those good thoughts.

The cranky queen of the world


Saturday, July 04, 2009

4th of July Address

First of all, I wanted to thank all of you for your words of encouragement on the progress of my human woman. I did look into euthanasia, but apparently there's some silly human law that says you can't do that. Seems a bit odd to me, but they are humans, whatcha gonna do with them?

She's making some progress. She got the tooth fixed, she's no longer covered in oozing sores, she went out and got her usual haircut back and apparently felt it necessary to accessorize with a big gray boot on her left foot. I'm thinking that its some kind of memorial to that Michael Jackson guy (he wore a glove, she's wearing a boot... who knows). She says she broke a bone in her foot and messed up her ankle and blames the innocent and entertaining Wii We all know she's a klutz on her own.

So here it is, the 4th of July. Here I am hiding in the basement with booted human woman and the Mutatoe waiting for the neighborhood humans to knock it off with the loud, scary fireworks. I was hoping that the current government had spent everyone's money and nobody had any to buy stupid fireworks, but they've probably sold their children for spare parts to get firecrackers. Nothing says fiscal responsibility like spending money on something that lasts 3 milliseconds. " OOOOH AAAAAH, dammit I should have paid the mortgage."

Its now very apparent that the obnoxious labradoodle and terriers next door have been foreclosed upon. They left the place a shambles (the posion ivy that attacked my human came creeping from their yard) and their half filled swimming pool is a mosquito all inclusive resort. My humans will be calling the health department about it, but I'm sure the human's new government will tell them that everyone has to pitch in, so if they want anything done, clean it up themselves and while they're at it, pay the mortgage on it.

I think you can tell that I'm not a happy camper about the way the new government is honing in on my world. One thing that huskies do NOT like is being told what to do and more and more this new government is telling humans what they can and can't do, how they have to fork over more and more money to do things the humans don't want done, and taking over my world little by little. I'm still rather pissed about the voter fraud that happened and robbed Turbo and Khyra of ultimate power. They would not have spent a gazillion bucks in their first few months in office, they would not be passing laws that take away our freedoms, and they wouldn't be telling us what to do all the time. Sure, Turbo would have called humans stupid and yelled at them, but that's what humans are for, isn't it?

I think its time that we dogs claw our humans into action and make them tell their government that the government works for the humans, not the other way around, and if the government wants money, they can just freakin do something to earn it like everyone else, not mandate it and enact stupid rules that make fearful humans hand over their money or face stupid consequences... its time the humans grow a backbone, otherwise, there won't be a world for us pups when we finally take over... and frankly capitalism worked for over 200 years, I don't think that's a fluke.

Well, the human gave me some sleepy liquid, so I'm going to go crawl under a desk and ride out the stupid fireworks... when its all done and your humans are all proud of their country... tell them they need to get off their ample asses and tell government to go shove their stupid cap and trade, their automobile buyouts, their stimulus bribes, their universally crapfest healthcare, their ponzi scheme social security and medicare, their czars (I'm a siberian husky and even I KNOW that the U.S. shouldn't have czars who answer to NOBODY), and their taxes that aren't really taxes but they are taxes stop pissing on my head and telling me its raining. The government works FOR you, you don't work for them so why are you giving them all of your money? It should be spent on livergreat for all of us pups.

This has been a ranting message from your queen under a table and pissed off at the fireworks.