Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Tipsy Human Woman

No, she's not at the chocolatinis again, she got new glasses.

Normally I don't draw her with glasses on because, well, I'm lazy, and she prefers not to be drawn with glasses on. I actually convinced her to let me show you the new glasses, so here they are. She says she looks like a dork, and you know... for the first time, she's right!

On top of getting new glasses that make her look like a dork, these are those fancy "progressive" glasses. No, that doesn't mean fashionable or trendy, that means old people bifocals, but in a nicer way.

Apparently it takes a while for humans to get use to this new "progressive" stuff, and they are correct, as the human woman now tips over easily. This is great for getting at her food or just knocking her down when we feel like it. I like these new glasses, even though I refuse to be seen with her outside when she's wearing them.


Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sunday with the human man

The human woman went away for a few hours this afternoon to attend some “rescue” function. If anyone needed rescued, it would be the human woman, but apparently nobody adopted her.

With her out of the way, we were able to spend Sunday with the human man, who is recovering from his cold, but is recovering to the point where he doesn’t carelessly leave used kleenex laying around... darn the luck.

We started off with the usual game of “I want out, then in, then out, then in, then out, then in, then out...” I really need to come up with a better name than that some day. Around hour 2 he was wheezing up and down the stairs, much to our delight.

As the human woman already fed us before she left, and told the human man that she fed us (female dog), we couldn’t convince him that we were starving to death and needed some yummy food. We tried, we got all fluffy, we looked all pouty, we hovered around his legs while he prepared himself some tasty foods... ok, maybe not so tasty foods. It seems that he doesn’t know how to work the new microwave food safe.

We think he was trying to make nachos. A pretty basic recipe that even dogs know because the main ingredient is shredded cheese, always a favorite. Take corn chips, sprinkle cheese on them, put in microwave food safe for 30 seconds, and piping hot, drippy cheese tasties. I think it was the smoke that clued him in that something was amiss, although the Mutatoe’s shrill yapping should have been an early warning.

Ever the quick thinker when on cold medicine, the human man decided that he couldn’t toss the smoking pile of molten charred chips into the trash, so he threw them into a thin plastic bowl to cool off. I’m sure you all know where this is going, and no... we didn’t get them because we have much better taste than to eat charred molten hunk of congealed plastic.

With the distinct aroma of melting plastic and burnt corn chips permeating the house, we continued to drive the human man insane until the human woman arrived back home, at which point we greeted her as though she had been gone for years, not 3 hours. Per our internal alarm clocks, once the human woman comes home, that means its dinner time, regardless of what hour that is. While she may have thought we were happy to see her again because she is kind and nice and combs us and lets us have most of the bed... well yeah, but we actually wanted food.

“What is that smell?”

Yep, the molten lump of cheese, charred chips and melted plastic still sat on the stove “cooling”. She was nice and asked if the human man was actually saving that for later before tossing the whole thing in the trash. Then, even though it was earlier than normal, she fed us, like a good human woman. She’s so trained... we need to work on the human man some more, although we are amused by his high pitched keening noise and the way he pulls his hair out of his head.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Keeping it Short

Yeah, yeah, I know, I haven't posted in like 10 days (exactly 10 days), but I've been worn out and the human woman has been experiencing something she's calling "creative vapor lock", which is a fancy way of saying "lazy".

Our conversations have gone something like this:

me: claw
HW: ouch
me: claw, claw
HW: ouch, stop it, I'll take the blog prizes to the post office, I will, really, but I don't want to post for you until I do because I know you'll be blaming me for not going to the post office, and frankly have you been to the post office recently? Its full of mutants and morons... wait a minute, your a dog, of course you haven't been to the post office, unless you've been sneaking out with the keys again.
me: claw, claw, claw
HW: OW STOP IT! FINE, I'm going to the post office so you'll stop clawing me.
me: hffft.

So, off she went.
Steve, Kat & Wilbur, Amy M., Hollybollyboo, Dakota, Star and Jack, your stuff went into the mail on friday.
Ben Rotti, your cool limited edition poster got mailed from Canada.
Khyra, the human woman has to get your t-shirt tomorrow, so it'll go in the mail next week
Turbo, Ben and Samantha, your stuff requires a box shape the human woman doesn't have, and she neglected to get it from the post office because apparently this happened while she was there:

At least that's what she claims, you don't even want me to repeat what she said about the people at the grocery store while she was getting our oyster crackers and livergreat.

Now, more important information. I know a lot of you supported me during the week of 100 (and thank you once again) but now its time to support Ben Rotti in his challenge to help the Nowzad dogs!

I will be putting a direct link (that Ben sent me) onto the side of my blog and you best get over there and help these poor pups! You don't want me to come to your house and claw you like there's a thunderstorm out (which there was last night... eesh).

Ok, I promise to post more often.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Royal Edict

As your queen it is my duty to make a lot of important decisions regarding the world each and every day. I don't think all of you realize just how much responsibility I balance on my incredibly fluffy shoulders each day to ensure the world doesn't tilt crazily on its axis and we fall off. Ok, that's a bit on the way too drama queen side of things, but seriously, I do have to make a lot of decisions in a day... take my average morning for example:

You can now understand my need for many naps throughout the day and evening. I'm utterly exhausted with all of these decisions.

I was called upon to make another big decision the other day. Apparently my human woman is so incompetent that she can't even be trusted to run a simple drawing for prizes. Ben Rotti wrote to tell me that his human person is none other than the infamous Tristan H that won the ultra mega mega grand cool prize. Seems Ben Rotti's human is as inept as my human, as they made no mention of being related to Ben Rotti when they paid their pledge, therefore my human woman included the infamous Tristan H in the drawing even though Ben Rotti won a prize during the actual week of 100, and the rest is history.

The fact that Ben Rotti ratted out his human was (frankly) a refreshing blurt of honesty and integrity. Ben Rotti is a big supporter of Dogs With Blogs and other bloggers, and he thinks I'm beautiful (you aren't so bad yourself with your nekkid glory).

Therefore, it was a no brainer decision that even the Mutatoe could have figured out... the drawing stands, and I hope to see a picture of Ben Rotti with the ultra mega mega cool picture that was donated by the generous Kara and North Wapiti Pretty Sled Dogs.

Now, while that wasn't as good of a drama as pigs in lipstick or failing banks, it has totally exhausted me, so now to decide which air vent to sleep on... eesh, these responsibilities of mine are endless.


Sunday, September 14, 2008

Hero dog... pffft

I just read a story about a dog that saved its human by calling 911. Apparently the owner has seizures and the dog is trained to call 911 when the human collapses.

Big deal. I mean come on! This happened to me last week and there's no big story about my bravery!

Its so hot

Originally uploaded by Shmoomeema
I rushed off the cool air vent for a moment to check in. After the whole week of 100, then the stupid Hanna Montana tropical storm, then listening to the human woman complain, complain, complain about how all she did during vacation was sit at the computer transcribing my blog material and didn't have time to do laundry (um, that's what after work is for, silly human woman), I didn't have time to blog much, but I'm back.

On the Sammy getting to Frankie front... um, we have a bit of a problem there. It seems that Sammy doesn't want to leave without 'his" sleep number bed and big screen tv turned to CNN. It was hard enough trying to figure out how to get him to Frankie in Kali without stuffing a king sized sleep number bed and a tv in the box with him, so I'll have to noodle this one through.

Mutatoe is annoying (nothing new there).

Human woman is battling ants again, and frankly the ants are winning. She's now set sticky traps in the kitchen (under counters, where I'm trying to convince Mutatoe to shove his nose in one for comic relief) and she bought some pet-safe killy spray for outside, but...


I almost spontaneously combusted while doing a poo this afternoon. I could only make it off the concrete slab to poo before dashing back into the house and onto the cool air vent. The human woman is not pleased at the close proximity of poo near the house, but she can just... well, you know.

That's it for now, I'm getting sultry again, must make a dash for the vent.


Saturday, September 13, 2008

Week of 100 Grand Prize Drawings

After much procrastination (on the human woman's part) and much clawing (on my part on the human woman's leg parts), we have finally completed the final drawing for the grand prizes for the week of 100 blog posts, boy is that a long sentence. Here I am limbering up and stretching to get ready for the big drawing. Once again, its very important to stretch and warm up before doing a big grand prize drawing thingie. You don't want to pull a muscle or anything and be out of your game when you are picking winners.
After jumping on the bed, more stretching is required, also I had to sufficiently fluff up for my big drawing. Being in the public eye means always being fluffy and that takes a lot of work.

As you can see to the right, I had a lot of pieces of paper to draw from. I was a bit annoyed by the paper, I had requested that the drawing be done using bits of kleenex, but the human woman kept saying that I would eat them too quickly and she wouldn't be able to tell who actually won until my digestion process was complete. I'm sure you will agree that pictures of paper, versus pictures of what is deposited from my colon are nicer to look at, so I begrudgingly gave in to her stupid wishes. Plus, as there are 5 winners to this drawing... well, that's a lot of kleenex, tasty, tasty kleenex... oh, ok, I'll start the drawing if you insist:

Winner #1 is a tasty bouquet of paper and ink, a hint of yoghurt (the human woman really needs to wash her hands a bit more often), and the winner is!!!!!

Steve, Kat and the Wilbur cat thing!

Woohooo, way to go you two (and
fur thing).

Steve, Kat and Wilbur win the little bitty red/white howling wolf/husky thing and a Starbucks card!!!! oooooh I actually had to pry the starbucks card out of the human woman's mouth, sorry about the drool and teeth marks.

Ok, now for the next drawing... tasty paper.

I have to say, this vanilla looking paper tastes nothing like vanilla, and the ink leaves a bitter after taste to it... oh... who won?

Amy M. WOOHOOO, Amy M. won a very stylish husky t-shirt in Xtra Large! I'll even throw in some of my fluff and some gimpy fluff and some lint, but none of the stupid ants that are crawling all over the kitchen counter that the human woman still can't figure out where they are coming from and why, but that's not your problem Amy M, as you will be styling in your cool husky shirt!

Ok, next one... very tasty, has a rather sarcastic taste to it....

Yep, its Khyra! Hey, I swear, I'm not sucking up to vice presidental candidates are anything, really, it was a fair drawing.

Ok, so what does Khyra get?

This really cool "Got Husky?" t-shirt, available in small, medium, and large (please specify your size). A very tasteful (and tasty) t-shirt with the "got husky?" thing on the breast pocket if there was a breast pocket, and how rude is that, having a pocket to hold a breast, I mean do humans really need a pocket to hold a breast? Do they need to carry a spare around with them? Oh, sorry, I'll now continue the drawing.

MMMM, this one is very robust, has good legs, and... oh good lord, this looks really bad, this looks like some ballot tampering going on, really I had no idea which pieces of paper I was grabbing off the bed, they were all folded, I couldn't read them... really!

Turbo wins, this cute little stuffed husky that's wearing a ridiculous bandanna... sigh, must humans dress their pets up and then make stuffed animals of dressed up pets, its ridiculous, and I hope the Turbo/Khyra ticket will make that illegal once they are elected into office. I'm just sayin.

And now for the final, final, really cool prize, this is just so cool, its frozen cool... well, it comes from a cold place, and my friend Kara of North Wapiti Pretty Sled Dogs picked this out for me and is going to send this to the ultra mega mega grand prize winner who is....
drum roll please.....

Tristan H.!!!!!!!

Congratulations Tristan H, because Kara will be sending this straight to you (and if you are lucky, she'll include some of her champion Iditarod fluff with it) This is a limited edition print by British Columbia artist, Denise Linley. It features Karen and her 16-dog team, resting along the Iditarod trail. Dancing above them in the night sky is a spectacular display of northern lights.

Congratulations to the winners, and thank all of you for pledging and (most importantly) sending in your pledge payments.

Winners, please e-mail me at: meeshkaworld@gmail.com with your addresses so that I can get the human woman to send out your goodies quickly!


Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Hey everypup, just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about the final contest drawing and all of that fun stuff.

Frankly, I haven't been able to claw the human woman near the computer since the end of Week of 100. Something about an avalanche of laundry, dirty dishes, bills, and stupid work needing to be done. She really needs to get her priorities straight.

She did assure me that on Friday afternoon, the amazing and fun filled final drawing will be held, where all pledgers and donors who haven't already won will have a chance at FABulous prizes and excitement.

Until then, some friends of mine have started a movement that I feel the need to support, so I'm giving them the space to post their cause here. Please support their movement and vote Tubey/Khyra 2008.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Post 100

They said it couldn't be done. I don't know who "they" are, but I claw at them! Post 100!

First off, I want to thank everyone, human and 4-legger who pledged money to a great cause, and that cause is to save northern breeds that need loving homes. You are all heroes, especially in such tough economic times, when humans are losing jobs, homes, paying too much for gas, and the prices of everything going through the roof. I am humbled at the outpouring of support and the amount of pledges you promised and I hope that I provided you with a week's worth of good entertainment for your money.

If you would be so kind as to click on the donate button on the right side of my blog to send your money straight to Harnessed to Hope Northern Breed Rescue sometime this week, or send your donation to:
Harnessed to Hope Northern Breed Rescue
P.O. Box 3079
Bethlehem, PA

The pups in their care now and in the future will thank you for your generosity and kindness.

I also want to thank the SiberMalTervCat Society (SMS) for their support throughout this week and Dogs with Blogs for providing blogging dogs (and honorary dogs) with a great place to gather, share, and make new friends.

I guess I should also thank the human woman, who did all of the typing this week, rubs my belly when I ask, gives me livergreat and oyster crackers, makes a most excellent pillow, and isn't as bad as I always make her seem, but I'll deny saying that.

The human woman does say that she refuses to sit anywhere near the computer tomorrow, so on Sunday I will claw her back so we can add up the final donation tally, get everyone's names and prepare to do the final really cool drawing for really cool prizes, which will be announced on the blog later in the week. For those of you who have already won, send me an e-mail at: meeshkaworld@gmail.com with your mailing address so that I can get the human woman to send out your gifts pronto.

While I won't be attending, the human woman will be appearing in the parking lot of the Hike N Howl at Core Creek Park in Bucks County Pennsylvania on 18 October 2008 and hopes to see you there if you can make it. She'll be the one in the ridiculous orange vest directing people where to park... and she looks just like the cartoons I draw of her (hopefully she'll have worked off that big butt).

Once again, I am nearly speechless with appreciation!

Thank you all, and good night!

Human woman
Human man
Uncle Jack

Post 99

These gimpies, I swear, they are so high maintenance. Its bad enough that I have to jump on the bed all by myself while Spineless Bionic Hip pup Sam gets lifted onto the bed (note to Frankie... that's gonna be your responsibility once he lands in California, and he's not a lightweight either... and did I mention he dribbles pee sometimes... yeah, he's quite a catch).

Then there's whiny girlie boy Mutatoe, who follows the human woman all over the place, fawning and sucking up. All he has to do is let out one little peep and she's handing out the treats and the livergreat to him and comforting him. I look all fluffy and cute and raise one paw and tilt my head just so and make a little woo noise and I get "you gotta go out? you gotta go pee pee?" Um, no, I'd like a freakin oyster cracker and that kleenex you just tossed away.

Ok, fine, FINE!!!!

Biloxi... you are now an honorary HULA Hoop member, and you BETTER use your gimpability to the utmost at your fur-ever home and I'd better see an adoption picture where your new fur-ever humans are handed your certificate little mister! Learn your sister Meadow's amazing ability to open the fridge, and make your humans freak out for no reason, and shred shred shred!

Now, go out there and dig up the yard when Hurricane Hannah Montana comes rolling in.



Post 98

As the week of 100 comes to a close, and Uncle Jack will be winging his way back to Oregon with his stylish Sammy Carry On bag, I'm a bit disappointed that a really big and famous celebrity person didn't keel over, but we've had some minor celebrities leave us, and three hurricanes, so I guess that makes up for one big star taking a dirt nap.

The human woman is complaining that all of this sitting for a week has made her butt the shape of the computer chair. I'm thinking that has more to do with her sitting around for a week stuffing her face full of cookies and goodies, then going out to eat mass quantities of meats on a stick, hamburgers, grilling all types of foods and not sharing them with me. Humans must realize that the key to a successful diet is sharing with their pups. Its called "portioning". One for you, three for us, and repeat. By giving us three bites to your one, we are merely helping you lose the weight that you need before you end up looking like Mutatoe and his ample ass.

She's also blaming some guy where she works, something about being forced to eat the delicious things he bakes and brings in, but she's not fooling me at all. First of all, she hasn't been to work in a week, secondly, if you set a goody in front of her, the only force that occurs is the force of air as she snatches the goody from the table and the immense suction that occurs when that goody is shoved into her mouth.

Yeah, we all know who is responsible when she requires a crowbar to get into any pants that don't have elastic.

Post 97

I'm trying to wrap up all the material I wanted to cover during this week of 100, but the human woman thwarted some of my plans because of her excessive chocolatini intake.

I wanted to get everyone a video of the mutatoe doing his happy poop dance, but since he had an upset tummy, he didn't feel much like doing the happy poop dance. Just in case you were wondering, he's feeling much better today and has been a total pain in the ample ass trying to steal my kongs and even body slamming me this afternoon. I've been good and haven't slammed his head into the floor because the human man says I can't do that anymore, something about too expensive to get him fixed.

I think I nominated all of the HULA members that had submitted their resumes, but I'm going to nominate some more HULA Members right now:

Domino and Cornelia Marie!!!!!

Yes, these young pups are making me very proud with their yelling at their stupid humans and causing all sorts of chaos and mayhem in their new homes. Brings a tear to my eye, it does. Congratulations, I'll claw your HULA certificate in a bit.

Post 96

Uncle Jack just told me that some singer by the name of Sheryl Crow (no relation to the bird, thankfully) who claims she was joking when she suggested that there be a limit on how much toilet paper people should use (one square) because that will help us all save the earth.


I don't care if she was joking or not, are you kidding me, toilet paper rationing? That will help save the earth? Toilet paper rationing. Not to mention the EEEEUUUW factor of humans walking around after using just one square of toilet paper... don't eeeeeven think of petting me with those hands until you thoroughly sanitize them.

I'm thinking that if the one square rule does go into effect, the humans will use 14 times more water cleaning the poo poo covered underwear, thus defeating the entire purpose of saving the earth by limiting how much toilet paper they flush. If only they had fluff like us. Our fluff has anti-poo sticking qualities. Yeah, superior beings you humans, you don't have anti-poo sticking fur and you call yourselves evolved and intelligent.

I'm not even going to start a rant about if I'm limited to one square of toilet paper for snacking or if they do away completely with kleenex OH YOU BETTER NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT!!!!

Yeah, so... if you happen to see Sheryl Crow, claw her for me... then sanitize your claw thoroughly.

Post 95

And now for a shameless, gratuitous plug:

Since I've selflessly sat here clawing the human woman for 5 days straight in the name of a good cause, I think its only fair that I am allowed to plug my new line of cafe press gear:

Yes, that's right, Pawty til you horka, the official pawty shirt of all huskies (and honorary huskies) and everyone else actually, so its the official pawty shirt of the world.

All proceeds go to my livergreat addiction. Buy yours today and horka like its 1999 only 9 years too late.


Post 94

It figures. Humans build their houses where other animals lived without any regard to their rude building right where a nice bobcat family had spent their hard earned money to make all nice and wooded. The humans can't afford to pay for the big McMansion they put up and move away and now they're upset when the bobcats move back in? Heck yeah, I'd move back in too if someone built their stupid Spanish looking house on my property, and heck yeah I'd eat their fancy big tasty goldfish if they left them in a pond, why not?

I'm glad to see that the wildlife is trying to take back their land. Just because we don't have the mortgage papers (or a flag... hehehe, that Eddie Izzard cracks me up and he's a snazzy dresser, I bet he's got some nice hand bags) because we don't have pockets doesn't mean they didn't own that property, since they were there first.

Get use to wildlife as your neighbors. Hey, at least they won't get drunk and shoot off fireworks in the middle of the night and set fire to your house!

Post 93

Its raining Hannah Montana!
or, if you prefer this version

Ok, sorry, you can stop jabbing forks in your ears, really, I'm sorry about that. I've heard scalded squirrels that could sing better than those women.

Anyhoo, we're starting to get some rain now from the Hannah Montana hurricane. It was just oogie overcast, but when I went out just now to take a sniff around the yard, it started sprinkling, so its only a matter of time before nothing happens.

The humans are already cancelling school activities and stuff around here, but no word on whether the human work will be closed Monday. The humans are moping around because they know that the weekend will be rained out, but it'll be all nice and shiney on monday.

To liven things up around here, I threw a kong on the human woman's foot and watched her dance. Very good form, love the one foot hop and scream.

Post 92

Ok, I was just online chatting with Kara one of the Pretty Sled Dogs and a true athlete (not like those faux human athletes), and she's pretty mad about a cartoon that my human woman did of her kids.

She told me that she wanted to help me show up my human woman, so she's going to send the winner of the grandest grand prize drawing winner something REALLY cool from her house. No, its not one of her puppies (and I had to delete what the human woman said about needing extra postage for that delivery), but I've seen it, and its really, REALLY cool, but you have to be a registered pledger or have already paid your pledge to be eligible for this extra special cool prize. Sorry to everyone that already won something, but I have to limit the winners to only those who haven't won anything... I know you probably hate me, but I had no idea that Kara was going to do this until now and I already made up the rule about no duplicate prize winners. Sigh... running contests is so hard! If I could, I'd give everyone prizes for supporting me and my cause, but the human woman needs money for livergreat.


Post 91

Gnaw, gnaw, chew, chew, gnaw, gnaw... some livergreat in here would be nice, stupid human woman.

Post 90

I just have to ask:
What compels humans to do suicidal things like create a giant car that looks like a giant weenie? Do they not realize that they
a.) look incredibly stupid driving around in a big weenie.
b.) will undoubtedly cause accidents while driving around in a big weenie because other drivers will shriek in fear and run into things
c.) wild hungry dogs will rip them to shreds trying to get to that soft inner meatable driving the giant weenie.
d.) Aren't attracting potential buyers of the real small weenies because people are too busy standing in front of the giant weenie getting their picture taken and goofing on the dork driving the big weenie and wondering how much the dork gets paid and whether he gets paid in weenies.
e.) I just like typing and saying weenie and saying big weenie and not getting censored or called an adult site, but if I call myself a bitch because, in fact, I am a female dog, I'll be banned, censored, and women's rights people who dress just like Tina Fey and want to be Tina Fey will picket the human woman's house.

I'm just sayin

Post 89

I just wanted to remind everyone that just because the contests are over doesn't mean that the prizes stop coming. Nope! For all people registered who haven't won a prize yet, I will be doing a grand master flash, gee whiz bang up, golly gee willickers drawing for the rest of the prizes that are left! Isn't that spiffy cool... hey, stupid human woman, just type what I tell you and stop trying to improvise.

Ok, now that I've clawed her bare leg and she's settled down from the ice cream overload:

After post 100 I will take a day or two off to allow the human woman to catch up on laundry and cleaning since she didn't do any of these things while on vacation. Probably around Wednesday I'll be tabulating all of the pledges and who pledged them, take out the ones that already won something (sorry, them's the rules people who already won something), have the human woman write all the names on piece of kleenex (yum, I love this part) and I'll be drawing the winners of the remaining prizes.

Post 88

Since the humans just got home smelling of burgers and ice cream, I thought it only fitting that I take my empty kong, dribble it down the stairs, the heave it over the banister and land it right on top of Uncle Jack's head. He laughed and (are you ready for this) he tossed it back up to me! Humans are so stupid. Should it have come as a surprise to him that I would dribble it a little on the floor to get some momentum and then launch it off the side of his head again? Well, he thought so, and laughed again and called me clever.

Either he's a sadist, or he's been spending too much time around his lab, who probably hangs on his every word, does everything he tells him to do, and can balance an entire roasted turkey on his nose without even sneaking a lick.

Of course I'm clever, and I'm a bit mad that nobody brought me a hamburger, or even called and asked if I wanted an ice cream cone while they were there getting one for themselves. What did I get when they got home? Yep, bland food. Sure, I got a tiny sliver of livergreat as an appetizer, but no ice cream for dessert. So totally abused here.

Post 87

Caption Award Winner Announcement.

Wow, we had some VERY good caption submissions. I'm going to list the runners up and then you'll see the cartoon with the winning caption:

From Huffle:
So, I didn't really think this whole "higher benches means no counter surfing" thing through properly, did I?

Kapp Pack:
"Oh, you've borrowed the machine from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and youve become vertically challenged like me and you can't reach your coffee? Yes, yes, that's so sad. Yes, I just feel awful about that. Would it make you feel better if I clawed the mutatoe? Well, I'm just glad my food is located on the floor because you can at least still feed me!"

Denali and Rubi:

HW: "&%#$!!"

Meesh: "So, how do you like it when the stuff YOU need is put out of reach??

"I told you it was just a matter of time before HULA invented a shrink ray, you evil Human Woman!!!"

The human woman's nightmare: she has to experience the world from OUR point of view (now she understands that you must surf the counters for things you NEED!)

And the winning caption, from Holly Bolly Boo the fluffy mal gal:
Congratulations Holly! You are the winner of a Barnes & Noble $25.00 gift card graciously donated by Dakota of the East and her human. Go buy Humans for Dummies so you can understand why they just don't learn to leave the good food on the counter.

Post 86

I think I'm going to ban the human woman from getting any e-mails from her "helpful" friends, because one of them sent her this:

Isn't that one of the most gawdawful things you've ever seen? Its bad enough that pet stores are stocking up on the funky Halloween costumes for pets, but now the pattern makers are enabling humans to make their own pet clothes.

I feel so sorry for these models, I'm sure they're not paid enough to wear these clothes, and who picked out the fabrics?

We're color blind, but we're not stupid, these are fugly and besides... WE'RE COVERED IN FUR WE DON'T NEED CLOTHES!

Post 85


Oh, wait a minute, its fake. Oh whew, for a moment there I was thinking that all of the tasty spiders that I have found and eaten were coming to seek revenge. Oh those humans, those funny humans and their little toys... um, wait a minute, how much did this thing cost? $1.8 million just to bring it to Liverpool? Are you kidding me? For street theater? What ever happened to the very cheap, and slightly drunken street jugglers? I mean come on, those were incredibly cheap and when they juggled fire there was that chance that one would set themselves aflame.

I can't believe how much humans will pay for entertainment. Its bad enough that they pay "sports" figures outlandish salaries for running around a field chasing a ball. There are dogs that can catch much better than these high paid "athletes" who will run around and catch a ball for liver treats. They also pay "actors" a whole bunch of money to pretend to be something they aren't. Heck, my human woman does that every day that she goes to work and pretends to be a professional contractor. I can act! I've pretended to be asleep as the Mutatoe walks by me and then I leap up and skitter and shriek at him so he'll piddle with fear on the carpet and laugh when the human woman scolds him.

Do the humans REALLY need a huge mechanical spider? Wasn't that done in that incredibly lame, very bad, oh my gawd I can't believe they paid anyone to act in this thing and that people actually paid to go see it movie "The Wild Wild West" (my human woman is still totally irked by this remake, as that was her all time favorite show when she was a pup).

So its not even like an original idea or anything. Humans are so lame.

Post 84

I'm glad to hear that MayaMarie and her pals have their electricity back on from that Gustav storm thing.

They have their humans trained very well because they had a generator that was powering their own personal fans and they had plenty of ice and goodies and they got to pee inside and everything! How exciting!

Here, my humans took in deck furniture, then plopped their butts back in front of the computers. No going out to buy us our own generator or fans or get extra ice in case we lose power, nothing. I'm sure they will go out shortly and go get themselves lattes from Starbucks, but they won't bring us a puppacino or anything like that. Noooo, they are selfish humans!

I'm sure that while the trees are bent over from gazillion mile winds, we'll be expected to go out and try to take our poop stances and do our business while small buildings fly over our heads. Yes, we are deprived and abused pups with lazy humans.

Oh, ok, the human woman just told me that if it gets bad, I can "do my business" inside. Great, I think I'll start now, as its much too humid to go outside right now.

Post 83

Well, we're now apparently under a Tropical Storm warning for the Hannah Montana storm.

The humans got off their butts from playing gnomes in my pants and doing jigsaws and actually started moving deck furniture in the house. We, of course, were very helpful supervising them.

While I'm glad we won't have deck chairs flinging themselves through the kitchen window, this moving thing did delay our lunch, which is disturbing.

Of course, now that the humans have battened down the hatches and tied everything not battened down with bungee cords, nothing will happen.

Neal (I have no idea what I'm pointing at) Estano says that we're going to get wind, rain, and those nasty tornado things, he didn't mention anything about thunder though, so I'm happy. But then again, it is Neal (how is my hair and what is this map thingie with clouds) Estano and he can't be believed because he's ALWAYS wrong and doesn't care.

By the way... he's REALLY short, I think the Mutatoe towers over him.

Post 82

To answer Ben the Rottie's question as to whether there was a blow up sheep in Uncle Jack's guest room... if there had been one, then the post would have gone something like this:

So, no, there was no blow up sheep or any other blow up barnyard animals present in Uncle Jack's guest room because the Mutatoe would have come out bragging about beating up on it, much like he did for the stuffed lab at the vet incident.

Post 81

Things that make you go hmmmm:

A while back during a discussion with a bunch of humans on a mail list where I was pretending to be the human woman, the humans brought up those cute coke commercials with the polar bears. OH yes, I recall now, Huffle was pretending to be her human and was complaining about her former body guard, a polar bear, who happened to be horrible at body guarding. She was mad because her polar bear body guard wasn't vicious enough and someone pointed out just how cute and cuddly polar bears are because there was a bunch of commercials out (and the humans believe that commercials are documentaries) that showed cute polar bears having fun and enjoying a coke. I'm attaching a youtube video as evidence of how stupid humans are:

So, from that video, we see a family of polar bears (who don't appear to be going extinct at all, I mean look at that big family of polar bears just cavorting in all that ice), all cute and fluffy and all that.

But that got me thinking (and we all know how dangerous that is), first of all, polar bears give me the willies, they are HUGE and could probably swallow the Mutatoe whole without choking on his ample ass. I also thought "hmmm, I wonder where they got the coke from?"

Don't you wonder where it came from? I'm sure they don't have coke dispensers wherever polar bears are, if they do, then I'd hate to be the poor shmuck that has to fill it every week out in the middle of nowhere with cranky caffeine withdrawal polar bears and other carnivores jonesing for a fix.

So, putting two plus two together without the use of a calculator, I figured that the polar bears got it from humans... therefore this picture clearly shows that if Huffle had kept her bodyguard and denied it a coke, it would most likely turn on her to get its fix, therefore its a good thing she fired it:

I'm gearing up to get sued by both the polar bear union and coke.


Post 80

Ok, so the human was was watching tv last night and saw a handbag on a commercial (good lord, I need to put her in a program), and she got the itch for a squishy leather shoulder bag. She already has a squishy leather shoulder bag, its in Uncle Jack's room. So, she asks Uncle Jack if she can go in the room we can't go in and get something, making sure he's not hiding a blow up sheep or something in there first, which is nice of her.

She goes in and gets the bag out of the garbage bag of bags that's hidden under the bed, but when she stands up, she realizes that she left the door open a crack and the Mutatoe had wandered into the room we can't go in. Like a good HULA member, he immediately jumps on the bed and begins to roll and wallow on a pair of clean Uncle Jack underwear like it was a dead thing (and frankly, if its wallowable, then perhaps it needs to be washed again... I'm just sayin).

She tries to get him to stop, but he tells me that those things were worthy of a good body rub, so the human man comes in after hearing the human woman yelling at Mutatoe to stop wallowing and they both started laughing, which only eggs him on more. The human man had to pick Mutatoe up (yelling and screaming) and plopped him out of the room.

He smells like Uncle Jack undies now.

Post 79


You'll notice that I don't have a "dogster" account (also please note that I don't even bother linking to them). I don't like them. I think that they use your cute pictures and your cute words, and your cute linking to your friends and make money off of YOU!!!

Nobody makes money off of me but ME! I'm not going to write all of these words of wisdom just so commercial advertisement-laden dogster humans can sell products based on what I write and then make money and go lounge on a beach somewhere. Think of it pups, what do they have to do with the site to make it run? NOTHING, they just lounge around and eat livergreat on a cracker while you do all of their work and they reap the rewards!

Here's another example of why I don't like them: they segregate cats from dogs! Oh sure, there are some of us that don't get along with cats and all that, but seriously ITS A WEB SITE!!! Its not like we'll get into a virtual tug-of-war with a cat, or someone will get hurt, so why can't you have a dog invite a cat to be a friend?

Because they can't target ads effectively without separation. They are keeping that whole stereotypical war between cats and dogs alive merely for their own personal greed and money making purposes! I know several dogs that live nicely with cats, and vice versa.

Shed the yoke of dogster!
Don't give them your thoughts, ideas, and funny pictures and material!
When you offer someone a bone, the actual dog doesn't get a bone! How lame is that!
If you want to make friends with otherpups and write funny things and post pictures, get a free blogger account, join Dogs with Blogs, and sign up for adsense and make friends, read funny things, and maybe make a bit of dough to cover your wubba addiction.

Phew, I'm exhausted, but you know what? My rant is my own and I can do what I want with it, I haven't sold my soul to Dogster and I never will!


Post 78

Yaaaawn, stretch, poot.

Oh, excuse me! That bland food is making me a bit gassy.

The human woman was soooo concerned about Hanna Montana storm coming our way that she slept in until 9 am, and then was totally incoherent until she got the precious coffee (she's gollum like that), and so here we are... behind, as usually.

I do want to send out a very special Blossom HULA award to someone that is near and dear to my heart: CHARLIE THE BIG DOG!

Did you check out his blog today? You should because you should see what Charlie got today, even though he did a garbage can raid and slathered garbage goodies all over the place!

He's been quite the rascal lately, and what with that whole 90210 scare, who blames him.

Yep, Charlie has managed to freak his humans out with his bionic heart, and now whenever he farts or burps, they leap up and fan him with palm leaves and feed him livergreat, and tend to his every whim. He's even got a new hands free phone so he can call them to wait on him hand and foot so he doesn't even have to move!


Its only fair that this be a dual HULA Hoop award because Opy sure has done HER share of destruction while the humans have been fawning and taking care of Charlie. My human woman got pee mail from their human woman about feeling guilty about leaving Opy alone while they take care of Charlie and actually don't mind that she rips the entire house to shreds because (and this is a direct almost sorta I'll deny I made this up quote): She hasn't been getting the attention she needs so she can just go ahead and rip up the house and eat all of our meatables.

Congratulations to both Charlie and Opy and welcome to the HULA Hoop with open arms!


Thursday, September 04, 2008

Post 77

The human woman, still bloated from her meat frenzy of this evening, is now thinking a bit more clearly as the vast amounts of tasty meatable goodness is flowing through her digestive tract and is concerned about the possibility of losing power tomorrow as Hurricane Tropical Storm Hanna (no "h") Montana races up the eastern seaboard (whatever that is) and hits the merryland state.

Granted, we're only suppose to get buckets of rain and some wind, its common knowledge here in the great state of mass confusion that whenever a wino pees in the gutter on the streets of Balmer (that's Baltimore on the map) the power goes out where we live. What if the power goes out before midnight when the end of my glorious 100 posts is suppose to end, how on earth (or any other planet for that matter) will I be able to finish my quest to post 100 blog entries, thus boring the entire world into a stupor so that I can finally take over and provide sense and livergreat to the masses?

Ok, so she's actually more worried about the fact that her sitting around all week in front the computer stuffing all manner of junk food in her mouth when she's not sitting in an actual eating establishment (she would type restaraunt but she doesn't know how to spell that without the help of spell checker, which yes, it actually fixed her stupid typing this time) stuffing all manner of food into her mouth and how will she ever fit into her good work jeans.

I'm sure all of you are saying "but Meeshka, can't she wear her elastic waistband and stylish sleepy pants to work?" well, NO she's slovenly enough wearing jeans to work and I'm sure someone would tell her that she can't wear fat sleepy pants to work and for heaven's sake put on some real shoes and get rid of those slippers.

I don't relish the thought of tapping out 20 odd posts using the iPhone, but I will if I must so that I can accomplish my goal of 100 posts in 5 days, but that would mean no images and frankly that would be incredibly boring without visuals, so I'm guessing that I need to force the human woman to bed right now so that I can claw her awake at a reasonably early before the sun rises butt crack of dawn time frame so that she can get her quota of posts in before it starts raining and the power goes out.

If the power does go out, you will also most likely hear the ravaged screams of the human man and Uncle Jack who are racing to "level up" their gnomes in the pants characters in their game whatever the fluff that means.


Post 76

Hannah Montana is coming to town! HANNAH MONTANA! HANNAH MONTANA!!!

Oh, crap, never mind. All you pit bulls with lipstick stop storming the ticket venues and demanding tickets, its just Hurricane Hanna (plain Hanna with no "h"). Phew, what a relief, for a moment there I thought we would be inundated with screaming blond wig wearing little teenage girls (and boys if that's what they want to do, I'm not judgemental), with their glitter clothing and fake microphones singing... whatever it is she sings.

No, we're getting a tropical storm called Hanna. Euw. Its suppose to hit us around friday with loads of lovely rain (get out the sand bags) and wind and there better not be any nasty thunder things or I'll be really mad... wearing a shirt mad, stomping my tiny delicate feet mad.

Its bad enough that we'll get a lot of rain (washing away what is left of the carefully cultivated grassy grass), and that I won't be able to go out and take a pee without getting moist and we'll be stuck in the house while it dumps buckets of rain in the yard... making the ground nice and soft and muddy the next day... ok, so maybe that won't be too bad.

Amazingly enough, this Hanna thing is going to hit right around the time that Uncle Jack is expected to leave to go back home with his Sam Satchel. Wow, that is a coincidence that a Tropical Storm is coming here when Uncle Jack is here... bad things like that rarely happen when Uncle Jack visits... insert hysterical laughter here.

So far:
Broken phone that got fixed
Broken T-1 line that got fixed
Broken Tivo that had to be replaced
Broken Directv dish that had to be replaced
still haven't replaced the broken attic fan that broke last year when he visited (note to human woman... fix that)

One hurricane hitting New Orleans, now Hanna and a dozen not so incredibly famous people dying. Maybe he swapped a famous person dying for multiple hurricanes as Ike is now really strong and "worrisome".

The bad thing (well, predictable thing) is that Hanna will hit during the weekend so that means no freaking out and the humans work closing so they can stay home. Figures, ruin a perfectly good weekend, then it'll be nice during the week just in time for work (the human woman added that part, since I stay home, every day is a weekend).


Post 75

So, there I was, outside taking a delicate poo, all in position and concentrating... when all of a sudden there was this horrible noise above me with flashy blue and red lights and I nearly fell over!

It was a stupid police helicopter! I thought for a moment that those nasty geese were about to attack me, but no, it was a stupid helicopter. It was REALLY low, loud and zoomed by me really fast.

Now, I have to ask.. what's with the flashy blue and red lights? I understand the concept of blue and red lights on emergency vehicles on the ground, they mean that people are suppose to pull over and let the emergency vehicle pass by quickly so they can go saves lives... except in merryland where it means that you drive really, really slow in their way, then freak out and run into something, typically the emergency vehicle itself.

But why the need for flashy red and blue lights on a police helicopter? Do they expect other airplanes to slow down and pull over? That seems a bit too much to ask as I'm thinking that another plane would fall to the ground if it had to slow down.

I would also think that if I were a thief, I would hear and see that thing coming a mile away, take my time robbing a house, then hide under a bush so they couldn't see me.

I was so traumatized I didn't even finish pooping and I may need a daily fix of activia to get me regular again.

Post 74

Welcome to hot... wet.... duck!

Ooh baby, get your hot... wet... duck right here.

Oops, gotta love the government. Ok, so its wrong, but its too expensive to fix, so um... if you were looking for stamps so you can hunt ducks, well... maybe some ducks will be saved from hunters too occupied to go hunting. Makes you wonder just who was in charge of having that number printed up...

Post 73

Next contest announcement:

Ok everyone, you have until 5pm tomorrow to send me your caption for this cartoon, please submit your entries to meeshkaworld@gmail.com:

Post 72

Its time that I announced the world's new energy plan.

Big Head Al Gore (BHAG) has decreed that the world will turn into a molten ball of lava goo if we don't use energy saving lightbulbs, and who but a former VP with nothing to do in his life but waste energy should we believe, so we need to start saving energy right now, if only to run our air conditioners full blast when the earth becomes a molten ball of lava goo.

First off, as your queen, I will stop all air travel. Humans are always in such a hurry, time is money, money is time, and if I could save time in a bottle.... but I digress. NO more air travel for business. People don't need to go sniffing each other's butts to do business, they can use a freakin phone or even do that video chat stuff, they don't need to fly to exotic locales and play golf after their vital, earth shattering 15 minute meetings. Vacations should only happen once a year, so people only get to fly somewhere once a year, so you better make it a nice place because you have to wait another year to fly anywhere else. Oh, and when you go on vacation you have to take your pets with you and they sure as hell aren't flying in the cargo hold, they're up in first class sipping pure mud water and rolling in dead thing stuff while you have your knees to your chest in the cheap seats.

No more cars. People can just work at home, doing whatever it is they do at home. Everyone will be given a computer (only macs) when they are born and they better take care of it because that's the only way you'll be able to get food unless you walk to the store and carry it back. Cars are bad for the earth, and for us pups that will be running willy nilly and peeing on everything. I MAY allow those cute scooter things, but only if they have little carts on the back that will pull us along so we can smell the wind.

All houses will have air conditioning (because the earth will be a molten core) and if you are nice, we dogs will let you sleep inside.

So, we've broken our addiction to foreign oil, nobody can get anywhere to do bad things to each other, and since you never have to leave your house you won't need clothes except sleepy pants and t-shirts, and all of that other stuff you buy that never use so all of your work money can be spent on livergreat.

There, I expect this change to be effective immediately.


Post 71

Ok, I think we've come up with a solution on how to get Spineless Bionic Hip pup Sam to his girl Frankie!

Uncle Jack will be leaving here on Saturday. We thought about stowing him away in the luggage, but if he goes in the checked baggage, TSA may steal him (why, I don't know, but why take chances). If we put him in a carry on, then his stainless steel hip will set off the terrorist alarms and they'll probably just go and blow up the carry on, ruining all of Uncle Jacks toiletries and his laptop... oh yeah, and Sam too.

I thought and thought, then I napped and thought, and then I slept and thought, and finally while getting high on tasty meatable smells on the human woman's pants I had an epiphany! No an epiphany is a brillient idea and has nothing to do with piddling.

Instead of trying to stow Sam away in carry on baggage, why not make HIM the carry on baggage!

He'll go through X-ray and the inspectors will just figure his hip is part of the structural integrity of a new space age polimar bag material and let him go through.

Of course, he's not exactly thrilled about where we had to hook one side of the strap too... but he'll get use to it I'm sure.

Post 70

Ok everyone, we had two very good contest entries for this latest contest, and it was very hard deciding which one to pick for the winner, so I'm going to award both of them prizes. See, this is what happens when you complain about your human, you get rewarded.

Honorary mention goes to....

Ben the Rotti, for the following human rant:

Hi Meeshka

Well for starters your stoopid hooman and mine both think its a brilliant idea to attack us with implements of torture, they both try to convince us that this action is necessary in the name of beauty (peticure my cute ass) Me and you both know that they are just evil sadists who get pleasure from our pain.. even worse they are both stoopid enough to think that WE ARE THE STOOPID ONES and that we can be tricked and cajoled with treats! Hey treats are good.. but they should realise that we are gonna take the treat and shake our tush at them, not take the treat and then allow them to torture us! Its a treat not a sedative for dogs sake! One day both our hoomans may realise that we are far too superior and intelligent for them to ever get one over on us.. then again I'm not holding my breath!
What do they not do that we would like?.. Oh thats easy.. they don't give us enough LIVERGREAT! They don't buy enough, give us enough, and therefore they are failing in there duties to worship us enough!

come to think of it.. they don't buy/give enough of ANY treat

Ben xxxx

Ben, you get this really cool Siberian Nights drinking glass (suitable to fill full of chocolatinis) and this XL Thirsty Dog Brewing Company black t-shirt, which is absolutely filled with my fluff at the moment and will continue to be that way until it gets to your house and fills your house with fluff.

The grand prize winner has to go to Dakota for this very long and very good rant about her human... I feel your pain:

Meeshka -
How the Human Woman annoys me:
My human woman - aka The Mom - sleeps. And I know that your human woman does too. Well, she calls it sleeping. What she really does is lay down, hog the comfy bed and watch TV. Or she turns off the TV and then scootches around until she finds a good spot, and let me tell you, her spot is always EXACTLY where I have carved out some space, and then she lays there. And moves around again. And sighs. And then, well, and then you should hear the noise!!!! They call it snoring, but I don't think that's accurate. It sounds more like an Uncle Jack Hurricaine and a bulldozer combined. Sheesh. Wait, throw a little of the fire siren in too. Yes, all three of those. That's better.
Now, forgive me, but I don't remember if your human woman snores or not. But, if she does, kindly explain to me why they get all uppity when we wake them at 2 in the morning to go out? I don't really want to pee at 2 in the morning, I'd just as soon be curled up and getting some beauty sleep, but the friggin' noise keeps me awake!!! If I could poke her in the ribs to get her to roll over I would, but the only thing that I've found that works is a good old fashioned Husky nose in the face. Although I may try sitting on her, similar to the technique that you demonstrated in a post earlier today.

What they don't do that I want her to?
Oh, that's a tough one. A really tough one. Lets see. Lowering the countertops so I don't have to stretch completely out to get something. She pets Bandit first when she comes in. Hey, everyone knows it's ladies first! She spends significantly more time at work than she does at home. I'm not buying the 'someone has to pay for the dog food' crap anymore. She MAKES THE BED! Every day! I go in, I get everything just how I like it for my morning nap, and she chases me off the bed and makes it. Ugh. She pets the cat. She pets the bird. I'm sure she pets the fish, I haven't figured out how yet. And, if I get a bit put out when she's doing this, I get yelled at. She runs the vacuum - a lot. I've had to blow my coat for the last six months to try to leave some fluff around. She plucks me!!! Me!!! Not Bandit, me!!
She feeds the good stuff in the morning, but feeds dry food at night!!! I'm trying to get some food in, some energy for an evening of watching the back yard, and she gives me dry food!! Not even some warm water on it!!

OK, I have to stop. My claws hurt from typing so much. Besides, here she comes out of the shower smelling like some fakey plastic flowery nasty funky 'perfume'. Ugh. She can't roll in bunny poo like the rest of us to freshen up?

Respectfully submitted,
Dakota of the East

Wow... I would say that you have some issues, but I know exactly where you are coming from... I almost thought that I had ranted that... Dakota, you win the coveted autographed copy of Pretty Sled Dogs! (If you already have one, let me know and I'll dig up something else).

Congratulations... I guess, I mean you both sound like you have humans as worthless as mine, so I'm not sure if there's really anything to celebrate. Just know: you aren't alone!

Post 69

Here we are, at 9:12 pm at Post 69. For some reason the human woman laughed at that number... she's so easily amused and has the mentality of a 10 year old.

She shouldn't be laughing because we have 11 posts to go tonight to stay on track for our big finish tomorrow, either that or we have a lot of work to do tomorrow and after gorging herself on meats (I moved the pants she wore to a more comfortable spot so I can continue to snort them while I dictate these posts) I'm guessing she'll lapse into some sort of meat coma soon, so I'll be talking real fast.

Oh hey, we have a contest winner... somewhere, I have to read up all of the entries and decide, then I have to dig through the pile of contest goodies and figure out what to give... ok, give me a few minutes and then I'll post the entries and announce the winner... hey, she had braised pork with a parmesan crust tonight... she's so going to pay for these smells.

Post 68

I tell you, posting 100 entries has been such a challenge. Its not because I'm running out of material, I could chat for days about stupid humans, and complain about the mutants I live with, or simply talk about myself.

No, the real issue is keeping the human woman at the computer so she can transcribe my posts!

If she's not out fetching bland food for the mutatoe, or taking our fun pile of logs to the dump, or going out for starbucks (and not taking me), then she's out doing this... eating tasty meats.

I mean look at this place, look at that menu! The human man has eaten at this place and he comes home smelling all about the tasty meatables and raves about how people just walk around with big skewers of meatables and they slice off tasty meats onto your plate and you eat and eat and eat and then explode.

The humans and Uncle Jack are getting ready to go to this place and they aren't taking us. I mean seriously, what better place to take a husky than a place where humans walk around with hunks of meat... you wouldn't even have to slice it for us, we'd just jump up and take whatever we wanted. It seems like pure doggie heaven, but no, we aren't going.

What will happen is that we'll end up locked in our crates with a pitiful dollop of food in our kongs and we'll be laying around napping and waiting for them to come home and we'll be lucky if there's a scrap of meat or smear of tasty meat juices on their clothes that we can sniff and lick.

I really need to get some funding so I can buy a place like this for dogs, and ONLY dogs! The main speciality will be livergreat on a stick, and we'll even get to chew on the stick.

Post 67

What is it with humans jumping off of, or out of, perfectly good aircraft or mountains? More importantly, why is it that when they die or have issues, they act surprised?

Case in point, this stupid human here.

I love this quote: "I was too nonchalant and there is no room for mistakes in this sport,"

Sport? Leaping from a mountain wearing wings isn't a sport. If it was a sport, then birds would be given million dollar salaries and we'd be watching starlings fly around on tv... which would be more entertaining than what they show now, but still, its not a sport.

Humans weren't born with wings (nor brains I fear) and if they continue to leap off of things with the expectation of flying, then we should actually applaud them, make it into a hit tv show and scrape up the bodies while cheering.

I also don't think that humans should have to pay for a helicopter to come and rescue these people once they do fall off of mountains. If they jump, they should be left there, as its only natural that stupid people that jump off of mountains should be dined upon by the indigenous carnivores. It would be like a stupid people buffet.

I'm pleased to be able to show you the video of the guy (which he himself took) careening off of rocks and landing in a tree... I give him a 7 for his unique way of screaming and soiling his expensive jump suit.

Post 66

Although there are a myriad of examples of human stupidity found on the internet, I just wanted to point out this particular case of stupidity, because its both pathetic and funny.

Sometimes (if there was a definite escape hatch) I would like to get into the human mind and watch as the following thought process is formed:

Hey, I think I'll dress up as a bobcat, put on a parachute, jump out of an airplane and land in a stadium, that would be fun!

I'm sure there would be all sorts of strange justifications going on, most likely a lot of chocolatinis involved, and more stupid humans saying "yeah, that would be sooo coool, everyone would think you are the greatest, you should do that".

That's another thing I like about humans: they goad each other on to do stupid things. I'm not sure they do it because they, too, have no sense whatsoever and think that jumping out of an airplane in a bobcat outfit would be a great thing, or if its just their Jerry Springer mentality that wants them to actually see a moron jumping out of an airplane wearing a bobcat outfit and possibly dying. I'm guessing by the tons of cam corders aimed at the stupid costume wearing idiot during the game, that they were all prepared for carnage and youtube fame and fortune (which makes them even more stupider since nobody gets paid on youtube, but you may end up having your footage put on CNN).

I guess the stupid human is ok... unfortunately.


Post 65

Originally uploaded by Shmoomeema
Once again we took heed to the lessons on cooperating for photos from the AO4 and the human managed to get this shot, which I like to call "is there someone taking our picture? I don't think so, what is over there, lets look over there for about 10 minutes until that person with the camera goes away" pose.

Please note that I still manage to look regal and fluffy, while Sam sits like a dork and looks like a dork because he is a dork.

Oh, you may notice that there is actual grass in the yard now. Yeah, grub season is over, the moles have realized that the yard is a danger zone, and there's really nothing for us to dig for that's tasty, so we're letting the grass grow for a bit to appease the human woman.

Post 64

I don't want to get into politics and who is better and who sucks and who botched what, and what these stupid humans are for, but I'm very confused by a statement made by Ms. Palin during her rousing speech yesterday.

Ms. Palin said: What's the difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull? Answer: Lipstick.

ha (weak laugh)... um... yeah, funny joke if it wasn't for that fact that we don't ban soccer moms (although they will be banned once I'm queen of the world) and we don't euthanize soccer moms just for being soccer moms, and we don't run in fear every time we see a soccer mom (ok, my human woman does).

Perhaps if Ms. Palin becomes the VP (a very long shot as we all know that Khyra will be VP and she will be banning soccer moms) she will embrace the poor pitties that have been discriminated against, banned, and killed for no reason other than their breed.

I will also declare that once soccer moms are eradicated from this earth, that all pit bulls will be allowed to wear lipstick. They won't be allowed to wear it before soccer moms are gone because we may mistake a pit bull for a soccer mom.


Post 63

Ick, bland food.

The human woman ran to the vet (without taking a shower, I may add) because she was concerned about the Mutatoe's stomach issues and she brought back the bland food assortment for him. Of course, if HE'S on the bland food, then WE have to also be on the bland food. We only got a tiny meager portion of bland food too.

Um, excuse me? Cast iron stomach here, I can eat just about anything (except for those chicken jerky things, which gives me a case of the firehose diarrhea for some reason, go figure), and I certainly can't live on a tiny portion of bland food, I don't care if there was a tiny dollop of the bland canned food in there, it was barely enough to keep my stomach from growling.

I require a certain amount of calories and treats per day in order to maintain my fluffiness and this certainly isn't enough to maintain fluffiness, let alone cultivate new fluffiness since I shed massive amounts of fluffy in one day.

I'm guessing two things upset his stomach:
1.) Him making such a HUGE deal about me slamming his head into the carpet yesterday
2.) the human woman bribing him with bagel trying to trim his mutatoes with that horrible sounding sanding device.

So, clearly its the human woman's fault that I'm now starving to death and eating something that tastes like nothing.

(anyone got a sandwich?)

Post 62

My sister Tashi sent me this beautiful shot of her and Polar from the Manhattan skyline.

Tashi sucks.

She's such a traveler and she gets to go neat places, and see cool things and she's very involved in politics and cool things since she moved up to New Jersey and went through rehab for her bad habits. She gave up her modeling career and took up the mantle of demonstrating for good causes and stuff. She does the neatest things, and what do I get? A human woman that sits in front of a computer after work and puts jigsaw puzzles together. They aren't even REAL jigsaw puzzles, they're the online ones and she cheats too.

Tashi was in New York to try to find some idiot by the name of Jonah Goldberg and claw some sense into him, which would take a lot of clawing and he would undoubtedly bleed to death well before sense entered into him, but hey, sometimes the cure has to be worse than the disease. I'm not even going to include a link to this guy, he's not worth looking into, just take it from Tashi and I, he's a moron.

(p.s. Tashi... the idiot lives in DC, so you'll have to come visit me and we'll both go find and claw him).

(p.s.s Tashi... why didn't your human woman pick up my human woman one of those cool bags that are up that way, now I have to sit here while she talks about the cool bags).

(p.s.s.s Tashi, watch this, I'm including a link to those cool bags... watch the humans go insane now)

Post 61

The Mutatoe doesn't feel very good today.

We got the human woman up as usual and went outside. When I wanted to come back in and get breakfast, he stayed out there eating grass and most likely did the horka out there. When he came back inside (finally because I was starving) he didn't eat his food, just stared at it and then gave the human woman that sad "my tummy hurts" look.

I tried to tell the human woman that I would eat his food so it wouldn't go to waste, but she threw it out anyway.... sigh.

He got a pink pepto pill shoved down his throat this morning because when the human man was petting the mopey mutatoe, his stomach growled REALLY loud and frightened us all because we though a large carnivore had somehow found its way into the house. Then he went back outside and I think he horka'd the pill back up. I'm wondering if he managed to get something tasty from the humans when we weren't looking and it doesn't agree with him. Of course, he could be all upset over having that peticure thing attacking him while we was trying to eat bagel. Who knows, he's such a sensitive mutatoe.


Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Post 60

In my final post for the night before I go up and snack on some oyster crackers, sit on the human woman's head and watch a bit of tv, I just wanted to officially announce one more HULA member:


Yes, that little pup has made some remarkable leaps and bounds in HULA qualifications lately and I just couldn't help but give her the recognition she's due. You have to nurture these young pups, cultivate them so that they grow up to become fine, outstanding HULA operatives.

Pictures are worth more than words, and so I give you the following links to prove her worth in the HULA Hoop:

Her "labor" day activities.

Her "I'm so cute, so you must let me get away with murder-ability" post

Yep, that pretty much says it all right there.



Post 59

Penn Jillette thinks that humans are stupid too. Finally a human that also thinks that humans are stupid, other than some humans that we know and love... ok, tolerate and allow them to wait on us hand and foot.

I happen to like Mr. Jillette because he named his kid "Moxie Crimefighter Jillette". He's got another kid with another stupid name too, and I like this because after all of those years of bad dog naming oppression, the stars are calling their kids names that are more stupid than dog names. Pretty soon we'll lapse into opposite-world, where kids named "Whoopie Silly Bumpkin Jones" will be president, and his dog will be called William. Mr. Jillette (I'd call him Penn, but I haven't sniffed his crotch yet to call him the familiar name), thinks that we don't need a smart President, we need a stupid president that will leave us all alone. I totally agree!

Well, I'm here to tell all of you that Turbo and Khyra will do just that! Unless you are doing something stupid, the Turbo/Khyra ticket will probably just yell at you and call you stupid, but they won't tap your phone lines, take your money and spend it on a bridge that doesn't go anywhere, or go to war with Guam... even though Guam is one of the states in the "united" states, but they don't pay taxes, well, they do, but it goes to the Guam government, which is akin to state taxes, so they don't actually pay federal taxes, what gives with that crap? I think Puerto Rico has the same thing, so what I want to know is... how do they get off not paying taxes and still reaping the benefits of our taxes? eh? That's stupid, and as President, Turbo has promised that taxes will be outlawed and the IRS workers will have to mandatorily participate in the bi-weekly running of the bulls held in Omaha, Nebraska (Holly will preside as hostess with the mostest mally gal).

So, I'm taking Mr. Jillette's war on stupid as his endorsement of the Turbo/Khyra ticket and we hope to see him at the polls, pulling the lever... or clicking the screen thingy, or whatever they do in those tiny little school gymnasiums that smell like old milk when it comes time to vote.


Post 58

I think we need to have an intervention really soon.

I just read on Opy’s blog that HER humans are gearing up for that new 90210 show that’s coming on. I know they are hopelessly addicted to the old show and force poor Opy and Charlie to watch episodes over and over and over again. Opy even told me in private that HER humans actually dress up as the characters, call each other by character name and do stylish poses outside while dressed as the characters. Its very embarrassing to the both of them.

There was even some talk about changing their names officially and also dressing Opy and Charlie up as the characters as well.

Hmm, now that I think of it... Charlie does look a little bit like Tori Spelling.

(sorry for calling you a 'he" again Opy... its not that you are manly looking or anything, really... I blame the lack of livergreat)