Monday, May 30, 2022

Birds, Bees, and Bones

 I've had a very enjoyable holiday weekend. Toast and Bleeder has explained to me that holidays are when they get to stay home from work and make tasty foodables, play with me, and cater to my every whim, so I'm all in on this holiday stuff. I think there should be more of them, because I deserve it.

I continue to stalk the squirrels, and have even taken to stalking birds, as there seems to be a lot of them invading my yard space. Some birds are really stupid, and Bleeder calls them "doves". I suspect I will be having dove snack faster than I will "robin" snacks. Bleeder has mentioned that it is coming on "fledgling" season and I'm very excited to find out what those are. Bleeder is not as excited, and for some reason she has placed a box of latex exam room gloves within easy reach. Something about removing dead things from my mouth. 

Another fun thing to chase are bees. Not your tiny little bees, mind you, but the GIGANTIC deck bees that Bleeder explains are Carpenter bees. Although big enough, they do not wear little equipment belts, so I'm not sure how they do their work.

Both Toast and Bleeder always scream "NO BEES" when I chase them. Sometimes I listen, most times... nope. I'm told that although the males don't sting, the females might and Bleeder refuses to sex each bee to ensure that I'm not harmed, which I feel is very selfish of her. I also don't understand why she can smack them with the electronic tennis racket and I can't eat them. These arbitrary rules are confusing and unfair.

I'm perfecting the art of retrieving my treats from my pink kong bone. My favorite snack stuff item is cheese (of course), and when Bleeder and Toast feel that I need to just STAHP bugging them for a moment, the pink bone makes an appearance, which means I simply bug them incessantly whenever I want a cheese snack.

When I've finally emptied my pink bone, I want more. I've discovered that the quickest way to get a refill is to fling it at Bleeder when she's trying to do something stupid, like pay bills.

 I'm getting much better with my aim. Honestly, I've always been pretty good at flinging, which is why the large Chuck-it balls, or heavy toys are no longer allowed in the house due to an unfortunately well aimed fling cracking the glass on one of their pictures on the wall.

I've also begun blowing my floof for the summer, which means constant combing and brushing. I really don't mind this, as they stuff goodies into my pink bone and give me a relaxing massage while I nosh. I'm so floofy that Toast had to adjust the suction on the Roomba because on low setting it was gathering my floof and then pooping out very neat little clumps in its wake. They let the Roomba poop in the house, but if I do it, all heckin breaks loose. Yet another stupid arbitrary rule.

Well, I need to supervise Toast's washing of my car, and avoid the pooping Roomba, so gotta go.

Enjoy your Memorial day and remember those brave people that fought and died so we can have cheese.

Sunday, May 15, 2022

I Want a Change in Management

 Once again I sit down to blog and all I have left are pictures Bleeder has taken through the week and has already posted to Facebook. If she's feeling like it, she MAY post to Instagram, but usually repeats the caption.

Not only that, but she posts videos of my squirrel stalking, but she never seems to have the camera ready during those times where I've nearly captured the furry little vermin, so she's making me look inept and slow. It's a METHOD! I know what I'm doing!!

I need better social media curators. I try to give her tips and tricks, but does she listen? NOPE. I also try to give her fashion tips for work but does she listen there? HECKIN NOPE!

White clogs... there's something you don't see ANYWHERE

The only thing she could influence are lazier people than she is. I swear, her wardrobe consists of the 4 same things worn over and over in various different configurations. No matter what I tell her, she insists on wearing mismatched clothes because her method of wardrobe picking is "what's next on the hangers" and who cares if it matches. Green pants? She has green pants. Nothing goes with green pants (that she owns) so why on earth does she own a pair of green pants? More importantly, why does she wear them? Even more importantly, she owns a pair of green shoes. She feels that a brown t-shirt, green pants and green shoes are an outfit. It's not an outfit, it's a travesty.

The green pants again? What a surprise

Also, it is Sunday and there has NOT been any pancakes. NONE! No pancakes, no toast, no nothing. I got kibble. Just kibble. Sure there was a sprinkle of cheese, but it's like prison rations here.

The one shining beacon of the week has been that Bleeder has FINALLY washed my favorite blanket. This is my puppy blanket and sometimes I use it to soak up some gravy food I get, and then I suck on it. Don't judge me! It's comforting. My blanket has been sitting downstairs in the laundry room for a full two weeks waiting for Bleeder to bring it upstairs.

Bout time Bleeder

As a compromise, we've placed it on my spot of the bed so I can sleep on it, scrunch it up and use it as a pillow, or suck on it when I want. 

It finally stopped raining and I was able to go out and survey my kingdom from the comfort of the deck.

There are a lot of squirrels, birds, and other woodland creatures trying to break into my yard and I must be on constant look-out.  I'm also happy that today is Sunday and time for Bleeder to swap into clean sleepy pants because if she doesn't, Imma gonna be rolling on these cuz they're like a dead thing.

Sunday, May 08, 2022

Who Will Stop the Rain?

 I've had it with this rain.

I don't like rain.

The rain gets into my ears and that's not convenient. Plus I have to be toweled off and that's no fun, although I do get a lot of treats during that procedure, so I tolerate it.

I haven't had any time to go chase the stupid squirrels and the other day I nearly caught one.  It decided to play ring around the tree and I was a bit faster than it anticipated. 

The neighbor yappy dogs haven't been out because of the rain, which means I can't run the fenceline, get them riled up, then sit in the middle of the yard and wait for their owners to come out and yell at them to shut up. When they shut up, I wait for the neighbor to go back inside and start all over again. It's great fun until the yappy dogs are told to "go inside".

The ONLY good thing about the rain and wind are the large sticks that fall. It's a bountiful crop of large sticks that I bring inside, tear apart, then trade up for cheese, then Bleeder gets the Dyson hand held out, which means she cleans the floor of stick parts, then she stands in one place while I dash back and forth and pretends to attack me with it while I skitter back and forth. Great fun.

So, during the forever rain, there was a lot of this:

Look, Bleeder, I got nothing to do, and you watch me poo, so this only seems fair

No, I don't want to chase the crinkle tube again in the house, I want to go out, make it stop raining

What do you mean I can't lay on the clean clothes after digging a mud hole?

Look, I enjoy a challenge, but cramming cheese into this thing is a bit ridiculous


What do you mean all of the cinnamon rolls are gone? I only had two bites you pig!

THANKFULLY it has stopped raining FINALLY! The squirrels are out foraging, there's sticks to be chewed, and muddy holes to dig again!