Saturday, November 27, 2021

I'm Not Giving Any of My Thanks

 Apparently this week was some kind of festive, food-related holiday where everyone is supposed to give "thanks". Frankly, I don't share any of my stuff well. It's mine. Toast and Bleeder take stuff from me, but I'm not happy about it, so I'm taking my Thanks and I'm keeping it... except for the part about turkey, that part was tasty.

The best position to capture falling turkeys

Somehow my leaf piles disappeared. It was shortly after Bleeder went outside and the machine made loud noises and she came in smelling like my leaf pile and I suspect she did something nefarious to my leaf pile. That's ok, because we had a lot of wind and the leaves are back in the yard. It's only a matter of time before they converge into another pile.

Shortly after this photo, the wheel exploded and the leaves migrated south

It's also now colder, and I really like the colder, but Bleeder doesn't seem to like colder and she puts on a heavy coat, gloves, a hat, ridiculous looking boots and that means I can attack her. At least that's my interpretation of her outfit. It is hideous. She doesn't seem to like it when I dash through the yard, leap up and attempt to steal the silly hat. On the bright side, with all of that fluff she's wearing, she bleeds less.

Ridiculous boots and look at those pajama bottoms!

The squirrels continue to haunt me. They are devious. I also feel that they've called in reinforcements because first it was 1 squirrel, then 2. Just today there was 5 squirrels in the yard. It's as if they are challenging me. Challenge accepted, but I may need to change up my sneaky strategy. It doesn't help that every time EVERY TIME I get into a good position and lull the squirrels into a false sense of security further into the yard and away from the trees, Bleeder comes STOMPING out of the house yelling "CASEY, where are you???" at the top of her lungs. I glare at her... all that work... for nothing.

The latest thing are the sniffs along the side and back fence. I do not know what tasty being is behind that wall, but it smells delicious and I want to rip it to shreds. Bleeder has peered through the tiny slats and pronounces that "nothing is back there", but she doesn't have the 7 miles of nose sensors like I do. There is something there, and I want a piece of it in my mouth. Not sure if it travels along the fence line, but there's something at the back fence too. It's like a little superhighway for tasty things. Tonight Bleeder was trying to wear me out (because they didn't take me for a walk because something about "it's too cold, we're old") and was throwing the fun wheel thing, but I was too interested in the fence line. The wheel is fun, but I'd rather chase something small, and furry, and tasty. Bleeder had to get a leash and drag me back inside. Now she's muttering something about "great, it's probably a raccoon or skunk, or a myriad of other tasty things". Ok, she didn't say "tasty" she said "horrible", and something about ER vet visits, and possibly human ER visits as the past two years have been (in her words) a dumpster full of poop on fire and she wouldn't rule out getting into a fist fight with a chupacabra. I don't know what that is, but I'm sure it's tasty and fun to chase.

I realize that for a holiday where we're supposed to feel thankful about stuff, I've done a lot of ranting, so..

I'm thankful for my new chasey wheel.

I'm thankful for the delicious fence sniffs.

I'm thankful that I have tasty salmon foodables.

I'm thankful that Bleeder doesn't mind contorting into awkward positions so that I can stretch out on her side of the bed.

I'm thankful that Toast makes me toast and stays home with me even though I can't bother him during "core hours" even though I still bother him during "core hours".

I'm thankful that Toast and Bleeder hold a chewbone for me.

I'm thankful for my walks, but I would be more thankful if they didn't clip a leash to my front so I can't pull them both down the street like a sled.

I'm thankful for a comfy couch and window to watch the world

I'm thankful for the tasty... I mean wonderful deck where I can supervise the neighborhood.

I'm thankful for landing in such a cushy gig with such pushovers that I get cheese for every stick and rock I bring to the door.

I'm thankful... except when they put that gate on the "hot" counter so I can't get the foodables on it.

I'm thankful


Sunday, November 21, 2021

The NO NO GET OFF Counter

 The people here have such strange rules. I have yet to figure them out.

1.) I'm not allowed in the bathroom when they are sitting on the water bowl. I don't see a problem with trying to squeeze behind the water bowl while they are just sitting on it because I need to investigate back there. Also, the roll of paper is tasty and alluring with a secret cardboard tasty surprise inside. I contend that people need to grow some fur so that they won't need that tasty paper for finishing up their business. 

2.) I'm not allowed in the bathroom when they are in the rain closet. My job is to clean the water from the rain closet. It's been my job since I got here. No, I do not like to be alone in the rain closet when it is raining in there. I also don't like to be in there when it's raining and the Bleeder is trying to wash the precious dirt from my feet after I dig a wonderfully deep hole in the one part of the yard they always fall into. BUT, if they are in the rain closet getting the rain closet all dirty, then I must shove half my body into the rain closet and lick the water, no matter where it's at, including on the people. It's the law. For some reason they don't like that, so I'm banished outside of the bathroom until they are done, and only then can I dutifully come in and perform my duties as a working breed.

3.) I can dig... just not near the fence, and if I do dig, don't dig where they'll fall into the holes. Ok, fine... but then when I do dig, they always fall in the holes, so who has the problem here? It's not my fault that the trees are shedding and covering up my holes, and my poo, and once again I harken back to my "I'll poo where I want I'm not limited by boundaries and traditions" rule. When I do dig, they insist on taking me into the bathroom to wipe my feet... which is prime time for "make the Bleeder bleed, and cover her in water".

4.) Speaking of shedding trees, Bleeder worked really hard to scrape up the leaves in an attempt to uncover my poo repository (little does she know, I've switched spots again), and carefully piled the leaves up into a neat little pile, so... leaves are fun.

I have two leaf piles now and I insist that Bleeder maintains them into proper piles for me to destroy.

5.) For some odd reason, the people call me "Stretch Armstrong".

When they put things on counters or in the sink... I need to investigate. It's what I do. I'm just assuming that if they put a cup of coffee in the sink, then that's mine. Dirty dishes need to be cleaned, right? So why do they yell at me for stretching up and licking them? There is one counter that they don't allow me on, and that's the thing called "The Stove". I never see them use it for anything other than meal prep, as they use the loud whirring box to cook their things (totally ruining perfectly good raw chicken and meats, but it does make for tasty french fries and my favorite "tots"). They say that this counter is "hot", but I've never experienced it being "hot" except for when cookies come out of the bottom part. They also use this counter to store things that aren't currently being consumed. I assume that these things are for me later on, and just want to help them out by being self sufficient and getting it myself. Apparently, no.

Last night I was in a particular "mood" even after being walked. They had a person deliver their food and there was a lot of it, so of course the rest is for me, right?

Wrong, apparently, because when I tried to reach it at the back of the black counter, they yelled at me and told me "no". I do not like the word "no". To me, "no" means try harder, but be sketchy about it. I wasn't sketchy enough and Bleeder (the gall) put the stupid scary blocker gate ON THE BLACK COUNTER!

They tell me it's hot, they tell me it's dangerous, and there they go putting a gate on it, clearly some form of violation going on here, so I felt the need to alert them to the danger:

They laughed!  LAUGHED at my dire warnings! I didn't get any tasty foodables, but I did get some cheese. I'd do just about anything for cheese. 

Tip of the day: If your people randomly smear peanut butter on a cabinet door, this only means they want to rob you of your nails. It is totally up to you if you want to submit in order to get the tasty peanut butter. Remember, the claws will grow back and at that point you can get revenge... and then more peanut butter.

Sunday, November 14, 2021

I Am What I Am

 Frankly, I'm getting tired of being compared to the perfect huskies that came before me.

Nikki did this, Nova did that, Meeshka did this, Sam did that, Loki was... well frankly they tell me NOT to be like Loki, apparently he was annoying and strange, so when they tell me I'm being a Loki, that's an insult.

For instance: pooping. 

I didn't know there was some sort of rule about pooping, but there is. My predecessors had very strict poop regimens and apparently specific poo spots.

Sam pooped in the back, preferably out of everyone's view because he was a shy pooper, and he preferred pooping on things like sticks, leaf piles, a toy.

Meeshka pooped on the left side of the yard exclusively, and in a very specific spot. If that spot was not cleaned immediately, she threw a snit and clawed. I like the clawing part and may add it to my repertoire. 

Loki pooped in the right, back side of the yard. He would also pee on a pile of leaves and then lay on the pile of leaves. I guess this is why they tell me not to be like Loki.

I feel that the whole yard is my potty area, and the humans are there to clean up immediately after me, therefore there is no reason why I can't just poo where the mood strikes. Just because everyone else has a specific place, just like the humans prefer to do their business on the porcelain water bowl in the tiny shower room, doesn't mean I should be shackled to a specific part of the yard.

The problem is that sometimes Bleeder isn't jiffy quick with the pick-up. I just assumed that their whole purpose was to follow me around and cater to my every whim and clean up after me. Sometimes (and just wait until you hear this load), they open the door in the morning after I stomp them awake, and send me out into the yard, in the dark, all alone to do my morning ritual... and they don't immediately clean up! Then all I hear the rest of the day is "where is it?" as they search the yard for my poo. Well, had you done your job in the morning we wouldn't be playing Easter Egg hunt! How can I be expected to chase the balls you throw without worrying if they will roll in my poo? 

This is even more unacceptable now that the leaves are flinging themselves off the trees and camouflaging my daily leavings. Bleeder is all "out of sight, out of mind" until she slides through some, then somehow it's all my fault?

I continue to monitor the neighborhood happenings to make sure nothing sketchy happens. There's a lot of sketchy things going on around here and I don't know how Toast and Bleeder lived peacefully until my arrival. Neighbor kids walking in their own yard, dogs on both sides, and the back, a cat that taunts me out front, AND THOSE SQUIRRELS! I hate those squirrels.

Is that the cat, the dogs, or the squirrels?

What the heck is that neighbor kid doing over there? Is that even legal?

HEY! STUPID CAT! Get away from that car!!!!

One of these days....

Thankfully Toast and Bleeder seem to have a never ending pile of money to keep buying me therapy toys to rip to shreds to get out my frustrations over not catching any of those squirrels... or that cat... or the red dot that appears once in a while that I can never catch even if Toast claims I did. I didn't taste anything, there was no guts to eat... he's lying to me. But he does feed me pancakes once in a while so I'll give him a pass.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go poo in a new spot.