Saturday, October 30, 2010

A Call To Claws

I'm sure a lot of you have heard the horrendous news that a company has finally figured out how to roll that tasty toilet paper food without the cardboard roll.  While I'm particular to the actual meat of the roll, the news has hit Spineless Bionic Hip Knee pup Sam hard, as he LOVES the cardboard tube.  Because I can't stand to listen to him whine and complain about this new innovation, I'm calling all pups and kits to claws to stop this outrage. 

Humans; before you get rid of this "needless waste of paper product", I would like to remind you of all those cute videos you've shot with your pup or kit playing with the cardboard tube.  No more cute little moments of fun because your pup or kit will be taking prozac and watching Oprah because they have had their one cheap joy in life ripped from them.

No more fun crafts with your human bipedal kids anymore either.  No more cute little dog crafts with the kiddies because you selfishly wanted that last tiny, itty, bitty shred of toilet paper that got glued to the roll.  The cleanliness of your po-po is more important than spending some bonding time with your kid making cute little toilet roll crafts.  I'd like to point out to you that if you had some fur down there you wouldn't need toilet paper, but you do need it and that tiny little shred of toilet paper left on the roll certainly won't give you the deep down clean you need or save enough money to get back the quality time you would have spent with your kid who is now in therapy for neglect.

Sure, go ahead and get rid of those toilet paper rolls... ruin your relationships, traumatize your pets, and put your children into a parentless stupor while you go wipe your po-po with that newly found .0003 micrometer of glueless toilet paper.  Be that way.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Working Dogs

This morning I hacked into my human woman's facebook and saw she was complaining about the fact that she was downstairs and her coffee was upstairs.  Typical.

What was disturbing was that some of her "friends" were suggesting that she teach her huskies (namely ME, since the other two are worthless and gimpy) to go fetch her coffee.  Seriously?  First its all about pulling a stupid sled when they have 2 trucks and a motorcycle, and now they expect me to go fetch her coffee when her feeble and addled mind makes her forget that she just made a cup and walked off without it?

This whole "Working Dog" breed thing is out of control.  Its as if they just made up the title so they wouldn't have to be responsible for anything.  I would have voted that Siberian Huskies be the "Really Fluffy Laying on a Cold Air Vent" breed, but apparently I wasn't allowed to vote.

Since I'm apparently stuck with the "Working Breed" title, I was napping... I mean thinking really hard about what sort of work I would actually be qualified to do, and then it came to me:  Search and Rescue.

Well, maybe not rescue, but I'm really good at searching for stuff, like used kleenex, candy wrappers, and an entire roast left unattended on a counter.  There are some limitations to our work though.  We're very good at finding balls or other toys that are thrown by humans...
... we're just not very good at actually bringing the thrown thing back, so if the humans wanted us to find things, they'd need to keep up with us, because once we found the thing, well... there's other things to sniff around for, so we'd be off to find that gloriously stinky dead thing to roll in (unless of course the thing they wanted us to find was the gloriously stinky dead thing, and I would have to guess that building a murder case when we've rolled in their evidence would be a bit problematic).

I would also like to add that unless the thing they wanted us to find was tasty and stinky, we probably wouldn't work too hard to find it, therefore if you want us to find a lost child, make sure the lost child is holding a piece of steak, or a used kleenex.  It would also help if you threw the lost child holding a piece of steak a short distance, as we get distracted by other things easily and may actually find a rotting woodchuck that was closer.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Reply to Joe Sestak

Another stupid human is blaming dogs for the current mess in my country:

Dear Mr. Sestak:

We dogs never asked you to clean up our poop.

Our poop is a natural fertilizer that gives plants and grass
the nutrients they need to grow and flourish.  If left alone, our poop will create lovely fields that you humans can walk through and enjoy nature at its finest (just clean off your shoes before you get in your car, or learn how not to step in it).

But you humans think you are so much smarter than dogs, and insist that our poop be picked up.  Instead of allowing us dogs to naturally fertilize your lands and eat tasty small critters that you end up poisoning (along with your water), you demand that other humans put our natural fertilizers in non-biodegradable bags that leech toxic chemicals into the ground and clog up landfills and stink.

You think you know it all, you think you're helping when all you do is make a bigger mess and then blame us... the dogs!

Humans need to learn to LEAVE THINGS ALONE!  Eventually from poop comes a nice tree, but if you keep meddling in everything, you'll just make things worse.  Why don't all of you just go home and play with your dogs and stop worrying about everyone else's dogs and for the love of GAH stop "cleaning" everything!

This message is not paid for by any stupid human and is on behalf of Meeshka, Queen of everything including the air vent in the bedroom, and I approve this message.

Sunday, October 03, 2010

The Working Breed

As most of you know, the Siberian Husky (of which I am one) is a "working breed".  Our job is to pull sleds, but... seriously?  Humans have cars, why should I pull a freakin sled?

I've re-invented the breed to include jobs such as:
  • Snoopervision
  • Staring
  • Clawing
  • Stomping
  • Wooing
  • Asking to go in, go out, go in, go out, go in, go out
 These are much easier and more fulfilling jobs than pulling a silly sled.

As far as the ample assed Mutatoe (and I feel that I need to provide a pronunciation guide for this, as I've been told it isn't very clear:  Moootahtoe), since his release from the Betty Ford Clinic for Cushy Hoarding, he isn't allow near soft things (clothes, socks, my down fluffiness) for fear that he will relapse and begin piling these items into a big pile and laying on it again. 

Therefore, the human woman does allow him to assist in the sorting of dirty clothes prior to being thrown into the loud stinky machine (aka: washer), where they go from stinky goodness, to smelling like a fake flower or stuffed bear that speaks and needs to be shredded (aka: corporate sellout bear).

As with most working dogs, Mutatoe has his very own method for sorting clothes, and here is a fine example of his work.

- Meeshka -