Sunday, September 19, 2021

Don't Believe Everything You See

 Another week of intensive human training has passed and I'm not too sure these humans can be trained, they seem increasingly dumber by the day. Of course they have their excuses:

  • Sleep deprived
  • Caffeine deprived
  • They are old
  • They are out of shape
  • One bleeds if you look at her wrong
  • The other claims a myriad of physical issues
  • They both have things called jobs, which takes precious time away from me
  • There's a storm with lightening and can't walk me
  • They don't appreciate my 5 foot vertical leaping
  • They don't like it when I stomp on them in bed (Toast is really sensitive about this part)
  • They no longer allow me to ricochet off the new bed (What the fluff!?)
  • Instead of getting me a friend to play with, I have to pretend to be afraid of a leaf bag that Bleeder chases me and rattles... so lame. She can't even run that fast.
One of the exercises I do enjoy is the daily walk. I have to wait until 6pm to go, and I try to get them to go earlier, but something about that time being the perfect time to wear me out for them to go to bed and forego the usual stomping, cover diving, and gnawing routine I've honed. 

The biggest news is that since I was an itty, bitty, adorable puppy, I've had some stomach upset. It usually only happens at the pre-bed poo time, but it's a bit... runny. The humans have tried all manner of potions to solve the issue. Toast suggested that it was all of the yard stuff I eat on my evening yard duty time when I'm not stalking that stupid dove that trespasses in my yard. I can't help it, I love vines, and odd dirt, the occasional stick, some leaves, bugs, and I like to chew on rocks (but I don't eat rocks, I only gather rocks because they pay me in treats to bring them rocks, or something... working breed people!)

Bleeder had noticed that I'm not very fond of the chicken food I've been on since arriving here. Sure, they tried to dress it up... with more gravy chicken stuff, but seriously... I don't like chicken. It's not very exciting. Bleeder hit up her friends (she calls them friends, but frankly I think they're just voices in her head) and discovered that a lot of her "friends" feed this thing called Pro Plan Salmon and Rice for sensitive stomach and skin. I'm sensitive. I like salmon. I try to grab it off Toast and Bleeder's plates when they eat it... flaunting it in front of me when I'm faced with a bowl of bland icky kibble.

Lo and behold a large bag of it showed up. Ok, Bleeder went out and hunted one down and carried it in the house a few days ago. She placed it inside a bin and some spilled out. I sampled it. It was tasty! I wanted more. Bleeder said that I had to transition, so only a bit at a time with increasing amounts for the next 7 days. She didn't want my stomach to become upset. Seriously? I'm already squirting the chicken stuff out in the evening, how worse could it get, just give me the whole bin!

I'll just nap here until you open the bin, thank you very much

So, she started to give me the food, but it's in dribs and drabs and MIXED IN WITH THE ICKY CHICKEN!

So, I went on strike until the situation was resolved.

I refuse to eat until this situation is resolved.

I lasted until the evening. I'm actually not a breakfast girl, and since I don't eat breakfast, I can snack through the day, or just have it for lunch... I'll show them.

When I discovered that they were putting the kibbles into my kongs as "treats", well, I threw a snit so enormous...

I'm just gonna donut until my demands are met

So, I have to deal with all of that in a weakened state.

Feeling sorry for me, Toast suggested that they get one of those calming, cozy couch covers as seen on the socials. It has a little blanket attached to three bolsters and is supposed to the the WORLD'S MOST COMFORTABLEST, CALMING BED EVVVVVVVVEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!

So it arrived. I refused to lay on it. It was a bit silly. They put it on the bed where my favorite pillow was supposed to be, so I slept on Bleeders legs. Something about not having blood flow to her extremities (I mean come on, like there's any blood left in that carcass of hers?), and it was determined to stay on the couch... where I would refuse to lay in it.

At one point it was tossed on the floor and GAME ON! It then became a wonderful thing to play with, chew on, and hump. Yep, I'm the boss of all stuffies here and if a stuffy comes into the house, it will be humped and dominated. I'm a red queen after all.

After I made sure I had dominated the couch cover, I did snuggle with it...

... and then ripped it to shreds. I think it went to the same farm as all of the other stuffies before it.

So, that's about it for now.


Sunday, September 12, 2021

Training Needs More Work

 I have been thwarted in my attempts to train these people.

While I understand they are experienced Northern Breed companions, I'm pretty sure they have never experienced my sheer intensity, drive, and cunning ability to create mayhem.

I hear it all the time: 

  • Our other dogs didn't eat everything in the yard
  • Our other dogs didn't leap up 5 foot high and try to grab the hood on our jackets
  • Our other dogs picked specific poo spots and didn't go crop dusting around on the run
  • Our other dogs liked their food
  • Our other dogs didn't eat the deck
  • Out other dogs didn't stomp on us at night after going for walks and then playing soccer in the back yard
  • Our other dogs sang the song of their people and all you do is yap. Oh wait, Loki yapped... DON'T BE A LOKI
  • Our other dogs didn't nose slam us in the... oh wait, they did, never mind
  • Our other dogs loved to play with boxes and packing paper, what is wrong with you???

I really don't appreciate this crinkly stuff around my neck thank you very much

 I'd like to point out that I have NOT chewed anyone shoes, I have not destroyed any books, journals, planners, pens, computers, wires... ok, fine, I may have sampled the coffee table a bit, but not lately and it only added a rustic patina which is worth thousands, and I may have gnawed that wooden filing cabinet a little and no, you can't put the pull knobs back on because those were especially tasty, but still... and I have tore up the wall any more, mainly because you put a gate panel over it, and I've barely even sniffed the carpet in those 2 or 3 spots in over a month... thanks to the area rugs on top of them... but I've been so good lately.

So, up until a while ago, I've been learning all of the "NO" things, but I turned that around to my advantage. The humans are so simple that I've turned "NO" into a treat opportunity.

NO ROCKS... means I get a treat for spitting out my rock, and frankly there are millions of rocks in that back yard so I'm going to be treated very well.

OMFINGGGETOFFME means I get to play with the flailing arms as I leap as high as I can and pinch whatever fat is available.

LEAVEMYFOODALONE means I get a tasty kong treat inside my crate while the humans eat.

WTFISWRONGWITHYOU means that I'll get to run around the yard with whatever strange plant thing with long roots that I've pulled out of the ground until I get tired and then I'll get a treat when I spit it out, or eat it, whichever comes first, it's a win-win.

CASEYGETINYOURSPOT happens at bed time when Toast tries to get into his spot and I steal it and refuse to move. This has started the bedtime treat ritual where Bleeder holds my attention with treats until Toast gets into bed... then I run over and steal Bleeder's spot, but she's pretty ruthless when it comes to bed spots, so I move pretty quickly out of the way.

Nobody here, just get into bed so I can pinch your fat.

That all changed up though. There are a lot less "NO" now. I'm getting a lot of "GOOD GIRL" and treats for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!  Seriously! I can just be laying on the couch watching the neighbors and out of the blue, there's a good girl and a treat! If I'm laying on the floor while Bleeder plays her bass, I get a good girl and treat. When I'm outside and leap on them, they turn their backs, wait for me to get in front of them, they tell me to sit, then I get a treat when I do.

If I'm snorfling for rocks or vines, or whatever, they offer me a treat instead, especially if I come running over and sit. Of course I can't help myself with a little flourish by running, leaping up and sitting, just because I'm not a shill for treats at all.

If I'm REALLY intent on doing evil, they tell me Peanut Butter Cookie, and who can resist that. I have my own bin of cookies.

Part of my new responsibilities are: customs agent. No packages can pass until fully inspected.

Guarding the yard from that stupid dove that keeps landing and strutting around like it owns the place.

Best of all, our new partnership of yes means that I can eat my food where it is most convenient for me. I don't like being in the kitchen all by myself, sometimes I like to watch tv and eat or lay near the air vent and snack.

I'm kinda liking the new "yes" phase, and the humans seem less stressed when we all cooperate and get what we want. As a matter of fact, today I've been promised a new bed cushion and something called "Bully Bones", as they want me to use my teeth for good and not evil.


Sunday, September 05, 2021

Woo Is Me

 Bleeder and Toast are no fun.

They've thrown away all of my fluffy toys and my stringy toys because something about I'm not supposed to eat them.

Look, I have centuries of my wild kin built into my DNA and I know full well that when you kill your prey, you eat it, whether it be that bird that keeps taunting me in the yard and has since "disappeared" (and I swear, I don't know where all of those feathers came from, you've inspected my poo Bleeder, there is no evidence I had anything to do with it), or an annoying squeaky toy filled with fluff, or that tasty rug tug toy.

So I LITERALLY do not have anything to play with now

Nothing at all.

If only I had something to play with...

They also buy me things that spontaneously explode.

Wicked Bone #2 R.I.Pieces.

They refuse to hold my chew bones.

They also sneak around and eat MY peanut butter cookies!

I can hear you chewing in there Bleeder!!!

On the bright side, it is getting MUCH cooler outside, so it's nicer to sit on the deck and watch things like airplanes and honky geese.

Plus I can get my frisky on

Bleeder spent some time yesterday clearing out all of the clutter from under the deck because somepuppy was investigating things that "she shouldn't be getting into"... pffft.

Since I have no toys or nothing to chew on, I've taken to finding tasty rocks to gnaw on, which apparently is not acceptable to Toast and Bleeder, so they did build me a nice rock repository... except they blocked it off with chicken wire and wheel barrow walls.  What the fluff?

The good news is that there is lovely dirt under there that is ripe for digging, and so I do, thank you very much.

Today, I'm told, we'll be doing our daily walk in a very exciting new place. I really enjoy our evening neighborhood strolls, as I get to sniff new things, meet new puppies, and also poop in a new yard every time... Toast is not happy about this, as he's poo picker-upper, and for some reason in the evening, my poo is not exactly as firm as usual... hehehe.