Sunday, November 29, 2009

Upfront Money Needed to Ease Anti-Man-Made Global Stupidity Deal

By Sam E Winks (CP) - 1 hour ago

Merryland - Money on the table - as much as $40 gazillion - could help close a deal in Merryland next month and keep Anti-Man-Made Global Stupidity talks moving toward a new global treaty in 2010. But if more stupid nations see too little offered up front, the United Canine conference could end in a peeing contest.

The money would help stupid countries cope with hordes of stupid humans, lack of functioning things, and other effects of stupid humans, while also helping them cut down on stupid humans. The funds might eventually come from new sources, such as a tax on buying stupid things, but negotiators, for now, are seeking quicker infusions.

“Rich countries with smart people must put at least $10 bazillion a year on the table to kick-start immediate action up to 2012,” Queen Meeshka of the World told reporters last week in a preview of the two-hour conference opening next Monday in Merryland. “Once smarter countries start ponying up, no offense to the horse community, then stupid people will fork over the cash because they’re too stupid to know any better.”

The needs are becoming increasingly clear.

An international scientific study that wasn’t checked by anyone and performed on Pentium processors that have a logic flow problem said that stupidity is rising faster than anticipated. Humans are going out to shopping centers wearing pajamas, or worse, spandex and thongs with bunny slippers and demanding cheaper goods be simply given to them because they can’t afford them. Stupidity threatens to drown the Maldives, a tiny low-lying Indian Ocean island nation where nobody should be living in the first place, but stubborn stupid people believing that sinking ocean-front property is profitable live on houses built on stilts.

Offers of assistance thus far have been “so low, its like arriving at a pig farm with a tooth brush” Meeshka said, snorting and pawing her nose.

In scores of nations, money will be needed to build schools where actual things are taught such as “how to count back change” and “why not to use gasoline on propane grill fires”. Queen Meeshka predicts that much of the upfront money would go to “capacity building” - training, planning, squeaky toys, and Wubbas, as well as helping to rebuild trust between smart and stupid humans.

Queen Meeshka will be sending a trusted representative to represent the United States of Amerifur, who will lead the contingent in not only brokering a plan for smarter humans, but finding ways to squeeze funds from non-compliant nations.

H.A. Turbofire, congressional candidate for the 14th Missouri District and former Presidential front runner, will represent the Canines in establishing a “stable and predictable” revenue stream that is not dependent on vagaries of budget-writing in national capitols. For more information on H.A. Turbofire’s record on anti-Man-Made Global stupidity, please refer to the candidates Web site.

“I am certain that Turbo will do what humans have failed to do, and most likely will continue to fail to do, but that only means more livergreat for Canines” Queen Meeshka woo’d shortly before she left to attend to other pressing business in the yard.

Copyright © 2009 The Canine Press. All rights reserved.


Teddy Westlife said...

I hope "more livergreat for canines" includes the honorary version like me!

Jack & Moo said...

We are soo happy we have qualified and distinguished Queens, candidates, and reporters on the cutting edge of meaningful canine issues. As soon as we can snag the plastic, our donation will be in the cybershere. Write on!

a-roos & wooos,
jack n' tori

H.A. Turbofire, Sibertarian said...

I appreciate your helping to shine the spotlight on this important issue!

NAK and The Residents of The Khottage said...

And woo khan't furget the oyster khrakhkers!


Dexter said...

You know, just last night I heard Master ask Momma, "are people getting dumber?" Now I know it is true.

What an awful thought.


The Thundering Herd said...

Oh, yes, Mango - people are getting dumber. So sad.