Saturday, April 09, 2011

Human Woman Training

Yes, its been a while since I last posted, but I've been very busy with remedial training for the Human Woman.

Training humans is a constant thing, and if you neglect their training, they do stupid things like:
  • Not give you a treat for doing simple things
  • Not feed you on time
  • Not pet you when you want them to, and try to pet you when you don't want them to
  • Put their dinner in a high place where you can't get it
  • Think that you are actually a guest in their house.
The Mutatoe has been making sure that the Human Woman realizes that she is allowed to sleep on the bed only because its convenient for us.

Sam is making sure that they come running for the slightest whimper or woo.

My job is to ensure adequate treat dispensing (speaking of... the stupid robin built another tweet dispenser on the deck... I can't wait), and to lower the human's expectations.

For example:

I want in.  I was just in, and asked to go out.  The reaction time to letting me out was too slow, therefore now I want in again, but since the humans hardly ever ask us if we want to go out, but always tell us to come in, I require a treat to come inside.  The only time I get offered a treat to go outside is when the humans NEED me to go outside for some reason... therefore we refuse to go outside.

This test is to ensure that clear signals are recognized by the human and acted upon immediately (pant, pant... that's an inside joke with the humans who won't explain it to me either, but they think its funny).

Anyhoo, I go outside and then immediately want to come back inside. 
  • If your human lets you out, then lets you right back inside... you have a good human.  
  • If your human lets you out, then right back inside, then out, then inside, then out again... you either have a very good human, or a really stupid one.
  • If your human lets you out, then in, then refuses to let you out again, then pee on the carpet to demonstrate the importance of letting you out.
  • If your human gets tired of holding the door open while you stand there and closes the door, then you should claw at the door furiously and scream loudly to shame them and they'll open the door to keep the neighbors from calling the ASPCA.
  • If your human gets tired of holding the door open while you stand there, then bribes you to come, then you have them sufficiently trained.
 Please ensure that your humans are adequately trained.

On another note, I want to send a woo out to Diefenbaker and the crew for their pawsome rendition of the HULA anthem.  Seriously, you need to check out these vocals.  I'm disappointed that they were dropped from Canine Idol early in the season, but I'm sure their recording contract will prove they have the chops (mmm pork chops) to make it in the music scene.

If you have a rendition of the HULA anthem you'd like to share, then send me the link and I'll give you a woo out.



The Army of Four said...

It's all just work, work, work ALL the time, isn't it?
Play bows,

How Sam Sees It said...

They never really do get it right, do they?


The Thundering Herd said...

Sometimes, you really have to question how smart the humans are considering how difficult they are to train.

Teddy Westlife said...

It must be hard work training the human woman. I mean, at her age there can't be much room left in her brain for new information.

NAK and The Residents of The Khottage said...

I've been known to rekhwest out almost as soon as I khome in!

I SO have her!


Khady Lynn said...

I think that's why we have a doggie door. It's definitely so we get our way and the lazy humans don't have to get up off their butts to open any doors.


Sychoberians said...

We think we have a stupid human.

Remy and Flash

sweet harvest moon said...

Funny and true!