All About the Whooping

 I don't remember a lot from my Pennsylanian birthplace, except it was quite chilly and it had a lot of fun snow. Then Bleeder and Toast come swooping in and drag me down to this inconvenient and ridiculous state of Merryland.

Excuse me, where is the snow?

It barely snows here, and when it does, it usually only lasts for a day. A DAY?!?!?!? Or it warms up a bit, then refreezes and makes the snow into a pointy glare of unfun ice that I can't run on or dig into. It does get nice and cold, but then the ground is all hard and pointy, and not fun to run on. It needs SNOW to cushion it!

Then there's summer. We are currently in summer, and so far it has been less than optimal. BROILING temperatures, and now we are in the non-stop humid storm season. It is ridiculous!

I don't like storms. The thunder is unexpected and annoying. Want to know what is even more annoying? The whooping noise from the NWS scanner that the humans use to determine whether we need to go downstairs to the perfectly cooler fun play room, or stay upstairs. I don't like the whooping noise. Granted, it isn't as disturbing as the Weatherbug cricket noise for nearby lightning, but it's right up there on the nails on a chalkboard reactionary scale. 

If we were to chart out disturbing noises, my list would be from worst to annoying:

1. Fireworks (they suck, I hate them, they freak me out)

2.) Weatherbug cricket noise

3.) Toast sneezing. Why do guys always sneeze at 4,000db? Bleeder's sneezes sound like a delicate butterfly flapping its wings.

4.) Thunder when it's really close

5.) Whooping NWS alert

When the scanner whoops, I seek shelter under the coffee table and onto the feet of Safety Toast.

Have neither of you discovered the magic of dusting?

I remain there until I wake up from my nap, or Bleeder gets up and starts packing a reusable shopping bag with my harness, leash, walking belt, medicine, peanut butter container, woof ball and woof ball nom nom package, and my squeaker toy du jour. This means that we will all be going downstairs to watch tv and wait for a tornado to whip us over to Oz. We play squeaker toy chase, then I get my tasty woof ball, and generally fall asleep while Toast worries about tornadoes, and Bleeder keeps repeating the midwestern Tornado Alley creed: "Honey, if one is coming, we either die or we don't" while she plays Candy Crush on her phone. She has been known to stand on the porch or deck during particularly tornadoey weather and has to be dragged in. Think Lt. Dan on the ship in Forest Gump, and that's pretty much everyone that's born and raised in tornado country.

But I digress about the weather... currently we are in storm season, which is much more stormy than past storm seasons, and also much more hot and humid. Due to this crap weather I have been unable to go for my morning walks because it is too hot, even at 6 in the morning, and remains hot even until the wee hours of the night. Then it storms, then it gets more humid, and I can barely go out and do my business before I run back into the cool air conditioning and chew on my ice chips. Tonight we had over an inch of rain in 15 minutes and then the sun came out. Bleeder could barely see anything because her glasses fogged up. She could barely see my poo well enough to comment on it's consistency.

If anyone has any recommendations on where we can move that has lovely cool weather during the summer, and nice snow during the winter, doesn't have tornadoes (although Bleeder likes them), no mosquitos, cicadas, june bugs, bitey poisonous nope ropes, bugs that sting, alligators, crocodiles, and other dangers, but does have a first rate Neurology vet clinic, just drop me a line.

Oh wait, gotta go, the whooping just kicked off again for someplace NOT EVEN CLOSE TO US.