Another Brilliant Idea

Yeah, Yeah, I know, its been a while since I've blogged.  I've had plenty of ideas to share with all of my many fans, but you know what I have to deal with.

Every time I've clawed her to let her know its my turn on the computer, or the iPhone, or the iPad, she just pushes me away, or bribes me with a cookie.  I don't tolerate the pushing, but I'll take a cookie any time.  Frankly it got to the point where I was bugging her to blog just to get a bunch of cookies and I was so full from getting so many cookies that I didn't feel like blogging anymore.  Hmmm, perhaps the human woman isn't as stupid as I thought.

Anyhoo, the latest greatest brilliant idea she's had was to get me a cooling bed.  Its something called the Canine Cooler.  Its some handy dandy squishy bed that's suppose to keep my nice and cool in the house.  Um, that's why air vents were put in floors, but hey, whatever.

The only problem with this thing is that at first it smelled really bad... like new plastic.  Overwhelmingly icky new plastic.  The human woman tried a few things to make the smell go away, like spray Febreze on it, but that just made it smell like plastic flowers.  Then she tried covering it up, but that defeated the whole cooling soothing purpose, so then she decided that the only thing she could do was to rub the Mutatoe all over it.  That took out some of the stink, but then it smelled like Mutatoe and who wants to lay on that?

It also feels strange, its all squishy and weird feeling under my feet, so I wasn't too crazy about it.  At first I just put my delicate little front feety feet on it, and yes, it was cool and soothing.  Then I lay my head on it, but that's where I draw the line!  I'm not going any further.

The human woman tried several ways to entice me on the thing:
1.) pushing me onto it.  I merely walked over it and jumped on the bed.
2.) pulling me onto it.  I merely knocked over the human woman and jumped on the bed.
3.) telling me that I wasn't allowed on it.  While a brilliant stroke of reverse psychology, I didn't fall for it.
4.) Telling me that if I didn't like it, I'd give it to the Mutatoe.  Mutatoe laughed and said he didn't even want it.
5.) this:

That didn't work either, I mean really... now it smells like human woman and who wants to lay on that!

Fledgling Season

Although I prefer grub season (small tasty bits in the ground, you just snoofle their location, dig them up, and enjoy), the Mutatoe likes fledgling season.  For me, its just too much work for so little reward.

Chase the squeaking thing, catch the squeaking thing, squish the squeaking thing, listen to the human woman scream, give the non-squeaking thing to the human woman who throws it over the fence, and that's it.  No tasty reward for all of that hard work.

This season its been Mutatoe 4, fledgling birds 0.  You'd think they'd learn by now.

I'm Not Moving

I'm pretty sure that I can hold my pee until winter, cuz there's no way I'm leaving this air vent and going outside in 90 degree weather.

I Want Food NOW!

Now to show my disgust over having to wait for dinner, I'll fling a Kong throughout the house and complain.

I kill a (fake) squirrel

That'll show them!

Fur Trafficking

I have been inundated with e-mails about the latest "thing" to help soak up all of the oil that's leaking out of some burned down platform in the south.

Apparently stupid humans blew up a stupid oil rig and now oil is leaking out of the bottom of the ocean and threatening to pollute a whole bunch of land.  In case you weren't aware... we all live above oil.  It leaks out all the time, seriously.  Even this "green" know-it-all page says so, but they seem to act as though it would all stop if we didn't use oil, um, no probably a whole heck of a lot more oil would leak out if we were sucking it up and using it, but hey, whatever.  If you want to find out just how much oil seeps from the ocean, go check out this all scientificky page and learn (among other things) that  "Santa Barbara seeps, for example emit 5,280 to 6,600 gallons (nearly 20 to 25 tons) of oil per day, and natural seeps have been active for hundreds to thousands of years".

Fine, the one in the south is pretty dramatic (because it was a man-made thing, not a natural thing, much like humans freak out about their car exhaust causing global warming, but a volcano spewing more noxious fumes than any humans could produce in a zillion years DOESN'T contribute to global warming) and therefore, if its a man-caused disaster (not to be confused with man-caused disasters that blow up innocent women and children) then man has to fix it... and therefore they are stealing our furs.

Someone has figured out that furry creatures (seals, birds, polar bears, Ron Jeremy, etc.) simply attract oils.  They are forever cleaning us off with Dawn dishwashing liquid (gratuitous plug there, thanks in advance for the cases of freebies you'll be sending me), and sending us back into the wilds... only to become covered in oil from some natural seepage, but screw us them, that's nature.

Putting 2 + 2 together, the humans have figured out that if they take animal and human furs, they can stuff all that fur in a nylon and sop up the oil.  BRILLIANT... except for that part where they try to figure out what to do with tons and tons of oil soaked furs in nylons without harming the fragile eco-structure... like... burning it in cars or or something.  I would imagine that the smell is something to behold.  Imagine wet dog smell... now imagine wet oily dog smell.  How about tons and tons of wet oily dog smell after weeks in hot sun.  Glorious!

So, since humans are so incredibly stupid, I will give them the answer they need to produce a very cheap, "green", reusable, earth friendly way to sop up the oil:

Squirrels.

Tie a rope around a squirrel, dip it into the oily water so its furs will suck up the oil.  Bathe squirrel in dawn dishwasing liquid (its gently on your hands, not the grime), throw squirrel back into oil.

See how easy that is?

In the meantime, leave my furs alone, I'm using them to entice birds to build nests from my furs nearby so that during fledgling season, there are plenty of quick squeeky toy tasty treats falling from the sky.

Meeshka

Storm Season

Just Once

I'll go and get the stupid thing ONCE, and that's it, don't expect anything more, and stop using that stupid squeeky voice!

A Very Special (Blossom) Post

I’m allowing my human woman to post on my blog for the very first time.

Yes, I know, I know, she’ll want to do it all the time, but for this article, I felt it was the right thing to do, as it is a realistic (from a human perspective) way to clip our nails. I’ll reserve my comments for later, but for now, here is her advice (you can laugh at her if you want).

Clipping Toe Nails

The Realistic Method

I’m sure you’ve done a Google search already and have found a myriad of instructional pages (some with pictures) on the finer points of trimming dog nails. You’ve looked through the information, learned about the “quick”, the different tools associated with trimming nails, and looked at the pictures of people trimming dog toenails... and I’m sure you’ve laughed hysterically and perhaps with a bit of frustration.

Oh sure, its a piece of cake when the dog just lays or sits there, hands you a paw and allows you to snip away at each claw, but what are you suppose to do when you own a husky who flees at the mere sight of nail clippers, stuffs themselves into the smallest crevice and lays on its feet to keep the evil clippers from touching them, and then shrieks and screams as if being tortured the moment the clipper comes remotely close to their paw. Yeah, where are those instructions???

Nail Clipping “Myths”

Ok, not truly “Myths” but these helpful tips are handed out to dog owners as gospel and if they don’t work, then there’s certainly something dysfunctional with the owner. Well, I’m here to tell you that I call them “Myths” because not everything is foolproof when it comes to huskies, not everything is going to work in your case, and it also doesn’t mean that you have a dysfunctional dog or are a dysfunctional owner. Most of these tips come from people who don’t have problems clipping their dogs nails. They tell you these things and then look at you as though you’ve sprouted another eye in your forehead when you tell them it doesn’t work. Go ahead and try these, but if they don’t work, don’t consider you or your husky a failure.

Play With Their Feet

Oh yeah, this is handy advice when a person gets a puppy, but what about those who adopt an older dog, or who don’t have the luxury to play with their feet because their nails are dangerously long? For those of you giving out the “Play with their feet” advice to someone that says “I need to clip my dog’s nails”, please smack yourself in the head.

Playing with their feet, in the long run, will get the dog use to having its feet touched and played with, and that’s a good thing, but when you introduce the nail clipper to the equation, expect full tilt panic and screaming... of the husky, but sometimes I’ve heard stories of owners having nervous breakdowns around nail clipping time.

Put Them On Something

Most groomers insist that putting a dog up on a table, a slippery table is better, will keep the dog off balance to a point where you can do most anything you want with them. If you are an experienced husky owner, please take a moment to laugh hysterically at this statement.

While it is true that most dogs will feel a bit more vulnerable and can be better managed on a table, a husky owner needs to be aware that clawing and leaping from the table is a good possibility. Shrieking, clawing and leaping is a better possibility, and shrieking, clawing, leaping, taking out table and plowing down owner is the best possibility. If you’ve never put your husky on a table, you should always have a spotter or two available to keep everyone from hurting each other. You may want to have a spotter located away from the table with a pre-dialed cell phone to 9-1-1.

Distract Them

Some will advise that you provide them with a distraction. While they are busy chewing, licking, or doing whatever to the distraction device, you clip their toe nails. Ok, while this may work for one nail (if you are lucky) most likely what will happen is that they will fall for the first clip, then realize you are up to something they don’t want to have happen and will ignore the “distraction” until you have given up in frustration.

Have Someone Hold Them While You Clip

This technique is only good for people who have friends that haven’t heard the horror stories of fur, shrieking, clawing and other husky-like behavior and actually can’t come up with a semi-valid sounding excuse when you corner them for help. Holding a husky still when a husky doesn’t want to be held still is just asking for a visit to the emergency room (if anything for the ruptured ear drums from the shrieking) and loss of close friends.

The Methods That Work

So you’ve read through the informational Web sites and know what the quick is, you’ve seen the two types of nail clippers that are commercially available, you are stocked up on styptic pens, dog treats, some valium (for you), and you are ready to clip your husky’s nails. Here are some methods that actually do work.

Groomer

Ok, its the coward’s way out, but hey, it is the easiest way out. Drag them to a groomer and have their nails clipped. The groomer not only has all of the instruments of nail clipping, but is also probably experienced with dogs that don’t like their nails clipped and have devious ways of dealing with it. If you can afford the expense, drag their fluffy little butts over to the groomer and you don’t have to deal with it.

Bribery

We all know that the husky is the “what’s in it for me” dog. Want them to come in... make it worth their while, want them to sit still while you clip their nails... bribe them. Typically the bribery method is a two person effort. One person to do the clipping while the other entices the husky to ignore the nail clipper wielding one with a tasty treat. There will still be pulling and wrestling and a general disagreement over when a nail can be clipped but the bribery aspect makes it a much more enjoyable experience for everyone involved.

If you don’t have a conspirator to hold the bribe treat, then you can try slathering peanut butter on a kitchen cabinet. Husky licks off peanut butter while you clip nails. Work fast and efficiently, as a husky can lick peanut butter off a cabinet in record time. This method also ensures nice clean cabinets.

Sneak Attack

There’s nothing shameful about sneaking up on a sleeping husky and snipping off a nail when they aren’t expecting it. There’s nothing in the rules of nail clipping that all 16 (more if there are dew claws involved) have to be clipped at the same time. The only problem with this method is that they’ll never trust you ever again and you will most likely suffer their wrath while you try to sleep, as they can be very spiteful.

Woo-less Wednesday - Sharing

(Hey Human Woman - there's this thing called a washing machine... just sayin)

Sunday, Sunday

Watched the human woman lift heavy things, paint other things (there are now white mutatoe prints in the back room), and generally spend her weekend running around like a scalded marmoset.

THIS is how you spend a weekend (and weekday actually)
In the words of Turbo: Stupid humans.
Now I'll have to lay and listen to her complain all week about how she's tired and needs another weekend.