Saturday, April 30, 2011

How To Drive The Human Woman Insane #9587

First, you find a spot to dig right next to the gate:
Then, when the Human Woman is laying paving stones down in your new dig spot, wash your delicate feety feet off in the water bowl and saunter throughout the house.
Its a win-win.

- Meeshka

Friday, April 29, 2011

Royal Wedding

I was going to go to the royal wedding...

... but the humans turned on the air vent. 

-Meeshka

Saturday, April 16, 2011

The Coffee Answer

Dear Pups,

I wanted to thank all of you that suggested adding caffeine to the Human Woman's daily medicinal routine to get her a bit more mobile... unfortunately I neglected to add this picture of what the Human Woman looks like most of her waking day:
I'm thinking nothing short of electro-shock therapy will get her to move any faster, and although clawing is effective... I can only claw so much and apparently she slows down even more from the blood loss.

Thanks for the tip though.

- Meeshka

Friday, April 15, 2011

The Wonders of Modern Medicine

The other day, Zim contacted me because his human woman was negligent in her walking duties.

It seems that unlike my human woman, Zim and Dave get twice daily walks and get to go see things all the time.  They actually have an ocean, and a giant's castle, and they get close up sniffs of kitties and things.

Me... well, this is what I see every day:

Yeah... how... exciting.

Today we got to do this:
This is us... snoopervising the workmen at the crappy foreclosed house next door.  We can't play with them, or even sufficiently make sure they are doing a good job (and from the looks of it on our deck vantage point... they aren't)... but I digress.

Zim was upset because his human woman was unable to walk them because of the pollen and some stupid fires that were intentionally set to keep stupid cedar trees from taking over the prairie (whatever the prairie is), and as Turbo says... just stupid.

So I mentioned the myriad of pharmaceuticals my human woman dumps into her body on an average day, and suggested that their human woman go buy some of them.  For instance, this is what my human woman looks like without Zyrtec:
She's like a living zombie shuffling around.  We can barely get her to feed us when she's in a pollen stupor, and I won't even go into the gacking she makes from the post nasal drip stuff... she's disgusting actually, except for the tasty kleenex she leaves around.

But after popping some allergy pills, she's the picture of vibrancy and pep:
um... ok, she's a living zombie drinking coffee... and this is why we never get out of the yard, but apparently it worked for Zim and Dave, and now they are back to getting their walks again.

Us... not so much.

Meeshka

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Human Woman Training

Yes, its been a while since I last posted, but I've been very busy with remedial training for the Human Woman.

Training humans is a constant thing, and if you neglect their training, they do stupid things like:
  • Not give you a treat for doing simple things
  • Not feed you on time
  • Not pet you when you want them to, and try to pet you when you don't want them to
  • Put their dinner in a high place where you can't get it
  • Think that you are actually a guest in their house.
The Mutatoe has been making sure that the Human Woman realizes that she is allowed to sleep on the bed only because its convenient for us.

Sam is making sure that they come running for the slightest whimper or woo.

My job is to ensure adequate treat dispensing (speaking of... the stupid robin built another tweet dispenser on the deck... I can't wait), and to lower the human's expectations.

For example:

I want in.  I was just in, and asked to go out.  The reaction time to letting me out was too slow, therefore now I want in again, but since the humans hardly ever ask us if we want to go out, but always tell us to come in, I require a treat to come inside.  The only time I get offered a treat to go outside is when the humans NEED me to go outside for some reason... therefore we refuse to go outside.

This test is to ensure that clear signals are recognized by the human and acted upon immediately (pant, pant... that's an inside joke with the humans who won't explain it to me either, but they think its funny).

Anyhoo, I go outside and then immediately want to come back inside. 
  • If your human lets you out, then lets you right back inside... you have a good human.  
  • If your human lets you out, then right back inside, then out, then inside, then out again... you either have a very good human, or a really stupid one.
  • If your human lets you out, then in, then refuses to let you out again, then pee on the carpet to demonstrate the importance of letting you out.
  • If your human gets tired of holding the door open while you stand there and closes the door, then you should claw at the door furiously and scream loudly to shame them and they'll open the door to keep the neighbors from calling the ASPCA.
  • If your human gets tired of holding the door open while you stand there, then bribes you to come, then you have them sufficiently trained.
 Please ensure that your humans are adequately trained.

On another note, I want to send a woo out to Diefenbaker and the crew for their pawsome rendition of the HULA anthem.  Seriously, you need to check out these vocals.  I'm disappointed that they were dropped from Canine Idol early in the season, but I'm sure their recording contract will prove they have the chops (mmm pork chops) to make it in the music scene.

If you have a rendition of the HULA anthem you'd like to share, then send me the link and I'll give you a woo out.

Meeshka