Merryland is a Stupid State

 Last week I dreamt of snow... no, I glared outside and demanded that it snowed.

I got snow for my birthday celebration

Now that's what I'm talkin about

I got to lay on my giant ploop of snow and lick it like my personal snowcone bed

so tasty

Yesterday is was 70 degrees 

Bleeder, can you turn that outdoor thermostat back to snow?

and now it's 40 degrees and pouring rain.

I'm so done with this state.

Why aren't you packing to move to a sane state?

Happy Birthday To Me

How ya doin?

 

Today I turn 3 years old, that's 21 in human years, so I'd like a beer, and the car keys, please.

In classic fashion, my birthday gifts won't arrive until tomorrow, but Bleeder did outdo herself with my birthday cake

Can't wait to eat... I mean blow out the candles.

Not only did I get snow for my birthday, but it's very tasty snow. I love licking it, and eating the clumps. I'm not crazy about the height, as the snow tickles and freezes my delicate po-po, so I've had to make some changes in my normal poop stance.

Bleeder also made me a snow "man".

Looks more like the monoliths of Mawphlang Sacred Forest in Meghalaya, India, but whatever. 

I wasn't exactly thrilled by it, and also forgot all about it, so the next time I came outside, I sensed an interloper in my yard, went full out front and back end hackle raised and stalked it. Bleeder knocked it down for me.

My favorite thing to do is lay on the deck and watch all of the birds and squirrels and ignore the annoying squeals of small children hurtling to their doom on slick pieces of plastic down the hilled busy road to doom.

I like others to share in my pasttime, so I require an escort on the deck. Silly humans have to put on their external furs to join my observations and witting repartee, but since it is my birthday, I asked Toast to put on some special furs befitting my birthday status, as well as my pecking order within the household.

I have yet to find anything that they aren't willing to do to make me happy... it's a challenge I've accepted with ridiculous demands.

• Throw the ball (for no reason because I won't chase it)
• Take me out (so I can lay on the deck and not pee before bed)
• Wake them up to take me out at 0100 so I can pee because I wouldn't get off the deck (or my favorite, get into bed, get my nightly treat and skritches, then jump off the bed to go pee because I wouldn't get off the deck)
• Wake them up at 0400 every morning to feed me tasty cream cheese (I know there's pills in there) and breakfast.
• Steal the entire bottom half of their bed
• Feed me pancakes on Sunday (I'm currently waiting on Toast to whip up my birthday pancakes, which are different than regular pancake Sundays in that it's not my birthday every Sunday.... but it should be).

So, by royal decree, I say unto you: go eat some pancakes and celebrate my birthday. While you're at it, eat some snow, but not the yellow stuff.

I Have An Alibi

 I'm just laying here... not doing a thing... napping a bit

Seriously, I have no idea how that pillow got there, it was the most amazing thing... there was this very strong wind...

So... anyway, now that the pillow is here, would you turn off the light so I can get a little nap.

New Year? What's a Year?

 Out of the blue, Bleeder stayed home for a very long time, and I was very happy. I love having my personal assistant with me at all times, and frankly when she leaves to go off and do work for others, it makes me really mad.

I'm supposed to be your only client

Bleeder and Toast spent a lot of time cleaning their clutter out of a back room and hauling it away. During the times when the front door wasn't open and I was locked behind the stairway gate, I got to assist with this decluttering by:

• Standing in their way
• Standing directly under some precariously balanced boxes
• Sniffing places that I was told was dangerous
• Chewing things found on the floor and being chased and bribed
• Not "getting out of their way" when told
• Barging in and taking over supervisory duties when I felt a box needed to be placed on the floor for sniffing purposes

I've never seen the downstairs back room so clean before! Now I'm able to go back there and sniff new things (except that mitre saw, for some odd reason), and paw through the stack of papers that Toast is trying to scan and shred (I'm also not allowed near the shredder, for some odd reason), and generally help sort through the stuff and decide what stays and what goes. I have free leash to walk in the back room now... which means I don't want to walk in the back room now. What fun is going into a room I can go into freely.

During one of the days that they call "Christmas" I was given a wonderful gift!

It was called a "lambchop" for some reason. I had to check to make sure it was suitable.

Hey, how about a little privacy, I'm getting to know this lambchop

The first order of business was to rip out its tongue, which I served with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti. Can't have it screaming all the time.

Then I ripped its face off.

It did make a nice pillow when I was tired of gnawing on it

Or when I wanted to gnaw, but was just a bit worn out.

3 Days later...

I also got a chicken. I still have the chicken, but one leg and its squeaker is gone

I have to say, I really enjoyed that Christmas thing... the New Year thing though... not so much.

There were no gifts at all, and people were making very loud booming noises in the middle of the night. I was perturbed and woke up Toast and Bleeder to express my dissatisfaction was the noise. Wasn't there some kind of law about this?

I was out in the yard trying to take a peaceful pee and next thing I know I'm being bombarded with sparkly things in the sky and booming.

According to Bleeder, I'm not as affected by them as Meeshka and Loki were, and she told me that she is thankful that I don't immediately pee on the bed and claw her, I just demand treats and play time when I'm anxious.

I also don't know what a "new year" is. It's just another day and it is my opinion that every day should be spent by waking up and having fun without the use of loud munitions, so why do humans celebrate one particular day... there's a lot of days, celebrate them (quietly) by having fun, not waiting around for one particular day. 

Daylight is wasting, let's get in that muddy yard and play!

In case you need a way to block out the noise of life, I highly suggest wearing a stylish pink dinosaur on your head.

Happy New Day to you all... now get up and go play.