Funny Human Things

I’m sure all of your humans do some of these things. If they do other things, please post a comment and let us all know. Not only can we share intelligence and overcome some of these obstacles, but we can make fun of the humans while we’re at it.

1.) Putting food in the microwave (small food safe) or oven (big food safe).

My humans put things that can’t be guarded into the “food safes” to keep us from getting it. Mostly its food items, such as the boxes of pizza the delivery guy we can never attack delivers, or the hunan food that the other guy we can never attack delivers. Sometimes its food the human woman cooks. A lot of the time they forget its in there, which means it gets thrown out. I fail to see why they do that, then throw the food out, when all they had to do was give it to us in the first place, and then food wouldn’t go to waste. Humans are such wasteful creatures.

2.) Baby Gates

While I their attempts to “keep us safe” by making sure we don’t dash out the door, the use of baby gates throughout this house is embarrassing. Its like a maze of baby gates going on around here. One for the computer room (so Sam doesn’t pee on the expensive computer gear in there), one for the top of the stairs (to keep us from making a dash out the front door). One in front of this thing called a shredder (so we don’t stick our tongues in the slot, and frankly who would want to stick their tongue in something called a “shredder” but unfortunately that appears to happen to more than one dog, therefore, I guess necessary... unless they’re shredded cheese in it, and in that case my tongue is in there). One downstairs in the room that use to be our spacious crate area and all around riccochet room, but is now a “photo studio”.

3.) Simple Human Trash Cans

The scourge of all dogs, the impenetrable and evil simple human trash cans. Well named, because humans are a very simple lot, but whoever developed this devious and clever device should be banished from this husky earth. While some are easy to open with a flick of the nose, the butterfly model is totally unbreakable, impossible to open, and a menace to table scraps. No more simply dumping the trash over and picking through it, this thing keeps its goodies safe until the humans dump it out. Torture.

4.) The Dyson Vacuum

We spend a lot of time cultivating nice bunches of fluff to deposit on the carpet and mark that territory as our own, and along comes this piece of purple junk. Even the most hidden hair is removed with surgical precision, every crack and crevice hair is sucked up, and (the gall of them) its attachments work just as well, ridding our dog beds (our sacred spots) of our glorious fur.

5.) Champion Canine harness and seatbelt system

This well sewn, double clasp, double d-ringed super-duper adjustable harness makes it nearly impossible to escape. Add the bullsnap leash, the walking belt with locking caribiner, and the seatbelt holder and you’ve got a lot of work to struggle out of that mess in order to make a clean get away. Agent Mutatoe Loki has reported that you can simply back out of the harness with a decent enough tug in a playbow position in order to get it out from under your legs... BUT, on further inspection, the human realized that his harness was not properly adjusted due to some porky Loki weight gain, which allowed the escape. She adjusted the harnessed appropriately, and once again, he’s trapped in that harness vice grip. Of course, the humans look like total tards walking around with all their gear on but they don’t seem to care, as long as we’re trapped and unable to sprint to freedom and rummage around in stranger’s trash cans.

6.) Quikrete and Chicken Wire

If you see your human digging a little trench near the fenceline, kiss your dig escapes good bye. A trench, layer of chicken wire, quikrete, water, and you have a barrier even the best digger can’t get through. If they’re really tricky, the humans will even dig under the fenceline and squish that quikrete stuff under the fence, making it even more of a challenge that will dull your best digging claws. If they’re really mean, they’ll also spread your own poo on your favorite digging spot to deter your rightful trenching. Come on! You don’t see us spreading their poo around our cushy pillows to keep that dyson from sucking up our lovely fur!

7.) Walkway pavers, padlock, other barriers on gate

If your humans are like mine, they’re really into the whole overkill of caution. We have a gate. Although the humans don’t think we know there’s a door in the fence, we know it, and have tried our best to use that as an escape conduit. This resulted in them stacking bags of rocks on both sides of that fencing section, quikreting and chicken wiring it, then sinking walkway pavers under the gate to keep us from digging there, a padlock (and they keep the key too high for us to reach), a board, and half a large crate top in front of the actual gate. Ok, we’re devious, but even we think that’s a bit of overkill.

8.) Constant Monitoring

Not one second of the day passes where we aren’t monitored in some fashion. I know death row prisoners (not personally) with less restrictions and more privacy than we have. They aren’t obvious (except that we can smell them even when they think they’re hiding), and will sneak and look at us from behind the back door, or sneak onto the deck and peer down at us, or look out windows. Its very hard to get any constructive digging, chewing of “bad” things, or grub eating done without them telling us to stop. Sometimes we hide. We see them peering out the upstairs window, then go to the spots where they can’t see us. We judge the time it will take them to rush downstairs and peer at us from the backdoor and scurry over to a tree where they can’t see us from the back door. Then they’ll come rushing out frantically, and we rush out laughing and leaping with joy because we made them freak out.

If your humans have other ridiculous methods to limiting your freedoms, let the group know. If you have any solutions to the problems above, also let me know.

Meeshka
(a husky can’t even stretch without getting the evil human eye)