Saturday, June 26, 2021

Vacuums Suck

 Let's talk about vacuums!

Vacuums suck, and I don't mean they suck up all of the tasty goodness from the floor type of suck, which they do, and that makes them suck, but they actually are horrible things.

They are loud

They move around on their own,  or the humans wield them in some crazy dance moves.

They suck all of the tasty goodness off the floor (for that they should be banned).

Some of them dispense horrible smells that remove tasty smells (or my smells, even if those smells aren't very tasty, they're MY SMELLS).

There are two of these monsters in my house. 

The first one is downstairs, so I can only hear it buzzing and whirring all over the place, but the other (a Roomba S9) is staked out and stalking me between two cool air vents. 

I can't trust it not to attack me out of the blue, so I refuse to lay on those air vents.  Rightly so, I've heard the humans discuss an alternate place for this monster, but have made no effort to move it, or throw it away. I'm rather peeved about this.

It taunts me, guarding the cold air vent

It just sits there... glaring at me... ready to pounce without a warning, except for that blinking white light and whirring noise that sounds like a tank. I hate it with white hot intensity.

The other vacuum is a loud purple beast from the depths of hades. It's name is Dyson. It is operated by the humans and comes out when they can't activate the Roomba because I've spite-peed in front of it.

It is louder than the Roomba, but faster! It sucks up EVERYTHING in its path, and it could very well also suck me into its canister if I don't move quickly. As you can see, I clearly hate it.

This other thing is called Dyson as well, but it's the mini spawn of large Dyson, called a "hand-held". When the Bleeder or Toast get this thing out, it snaps at me from their hands. It has been known to chase me around the house as well. I would like to think that Bleeder nor Toast have anything to do with it, but I suspect they do, because it's only set loose upon their command. If I could get to it I would rip it to shreds.

They also have a myriad of steam cleaners (for some odd reason), to suck up spills and also dispense a cloying, almost sickening flowery aroma onto my perfect good, muddy paw prints and accidental bodily fluids (don't judge, I'm still a puppy and dealing with old, lazy people).

Which leads us to the Bissell Pet Stain Eraser with Powerbrush. This one is a hoot! According to the Bleeder "Where the H was this all these years, holy crap if only we had this during the great peemageddon years of old dogs"

Apparently this noisy contraption is the end all, be all of cleaning up liquidy things in a jiffy. Plugs in to charge, easy to clean, and easy to use, this baby sucks up all matter of ick quickly, and a spritz of the smelly liquid cleans it all away. It sucks up all horka spills (once you remove the tasty, tasty chunks), and even cleans up errant blood (seriously, she spouts it like Old Faithful and I barely lay a dew claw on her). 

The best part of this monster is that the humans have to either lean over, or kneel on the ground to use it, leaving them open to attack.

In other news, I got some new toys. Here is the Bleeder demonstrating a prime example of "lazy and old" with my new tug toy


*Full disclosure, Bleeder and Toast paid for all of this stuff out of their own pockets. If it works, I'll tell you, if it doesn't, I'll tell you, plain and simple.

Next time I'll talk about things I've destroyed... I mean, things that spontaneously exploded while I have an alibi.


1 comment:

Marilyn said...

Well done Casey good review of vacuums.