I am Two

 Yesterday was my birthday. I'm assuming that the delivery services fell woefully short as I did not receive gifts of fealty in abundance. Mark it on your calendars and act appropriately next year.

I did receive lots of tasty foodables, and pancake Sunday this morning. I also received a new squeaker toy, but as usual, it was taken away from me when I grew too... possessive.

No, you can't have this

I'm only like this with squeaker toys that look like animals. I have a mushroom, a heart, and a square I don't know what it is squeaker toy that I don't get overly possessive of... just the animal squeakers. I try to cram the entire thing in my mouth and run away if anyone gets near me. I carry it around with a worried look on my face, and refuse to abandon it for fear that it will run away, or be taken. 

I'm not neurotic. I just value a good squeaker animal. 

Back up Bleeder, you're too close

Rest assured, I have a whole stuffed box full of toys on the floor, and another box full of squeaker toys on a high shelf for "special occasions". I also have a big bag of toys in the closet that I refuse to play with. I'm told we're saving those up to donate to puppers that would appreciate them.

Other gifts were: an entire box

This box is defective... it exploded

Croissants. I LOVE croissants. I've been told that my predecessors also loved bread products, especially croissants.

Hand it over to me... and nice pants Bleeder.

I was also notified by several of the socials people that I share my birthday with some idiotic "squirrel appreciation day" thing. Why? Squirrels are horrible vermin that must be removed from society. All they do is chew on things, and are rude. They mock me with their tree climbing ability. I will get them.

Oh, I'll show you some appreciation

There are at least 4 squirrels that taunt me on a daily basis. They even come onto MY deck. MY DECK!!! I stalk them, and I'm allowing them to grow more embolden and when the time is right... they will be mine. Much like the squeaker toys, I'm going to cram one into my mouth and no amount of cheese bribes will get it from me. 

I am one with the squirrel, I will be the squirrel, I will eat the squirrel

Wake Up

 Every morning my automated feeder (that I refuse to eat out) dispenses my kibble at 0500.

Every morning, whether a work day or weekend, I'm forced to take drastic action to roll Toast or Bleeder out of bed in order to warm my food bowl, dry it, pour my kibble from the dispenser bowl into my warmed food bowl into a small pile in the middle of my bowl, then sprinkle the correct amount of cheese on the top of my mound of kibble and place it in my chosen food bowl spot.

EVERY MORNING!

Yesterday I had to take drastic action.

Bleeder refused to wake up, even though I did my "I'm so flippin adorable with my ears pinned back and tail wagging as I lay on your chest and lick your face" routine. She just pulled the covers over her head, rolled over and told me to wake up Toast.

FINE! 

I had to get to Toast to lick him awake, but he has this gigantic long pillow that keeps me from getting to him by stepping in the middle of the bed, so my only choice was this.

For some odd reason, this was not acceptable to Bleeder. Look, I can't help it if my nails scraped your face, this wouldn't have happened if you just got up and fed me properly.

Driving Miss Crazy to the Vet

 It's been a very exciting week with lots of fun things.

I'm pretty sure you all know my mission to catch a squirrel. These foes are wily, and sneaky... and pompous. They flout their ability to run fast and climb trees, going just high enough where I can't leap up and catch them, and they laugh at me.

Well, one of them wasn't laughing the other day.

They get on MY deck, and every once in a while, they get under MY deck, and I know this. This is why sometimes I sneak out very slowly, and other times I rush out very quickly, dash down the stairs and run to guard the tree.

Sure enough, one of the fuzzy tailed rats was under the deck and when I turned around, I saw it... trapped, no tree within reach, so I began my patented sneaky sneaky stalk. Bleeder was totally caught unawares (her normal state of being) and thought I was stalking her (seriously? you are are so slow, there's no need to stalk, I can literally race up and fling my body at you, like normal). Then she turned around and saw the squirrel and yep, GAME ON!.

Squirrel tried to leap on the recycle bins that block the gate, but slid off, bounced off the bin as I was streaking toward it. It tried to leap again, and parkour'd off the side of the house with me in hot pursuit. 

It dashed toward the deck stairs (the high pitched keening noise I later discovered was Bleeder wondering how 1.) she was going to "trade up" for a squirrel, and 2.) what she was going to do with it once she got it.)

The squirrel bounced off the deck stair railing and began its desperate sprint toward the back tree with me right on its tail. There was more Bleeder shrieking and I'd like to believe she was rooting for me and not the fluffy rat.

It barely flung itself into the tree and I thought it had learned its lesson, but no, it scrambled just high enough, screamed some fluffy rat obscenities at me and sauntered back up the tree. I hate the fluffy rats.

Yesterday they finally took me for a pawdicure. I had been gnawing at my nails for a few days, so I got all dressed up in my finery.

Leashed up and out the door we went... except this time they opened up the back door of the creaky old RAV. Um... excuse me, this is not my ride. This is an embarrassment. This is so... not... cool. Something about getting used to different vehicles. Um, that's stupid, and embarrassing to be seen riding around in this. Not only am I strapped into the back, sure I have a cushy bed and plush toy, but this? This is stupid.

I immediately jumped out, but didn't calculate that they had clipped my leash to the tether, so I hung around a bit until they could lift me into the back again. This never happens in my cushy back seat Tesla X ride!

I like to navigate. Sure they already know where we're going, and usually have a mechanical navigation device on, but I'm a working breed, and if I'm going to be shoved into the back of an ancient machine, I will do some work. 

Bleeder miscalculated the length of the leash and tether, which allowed me to ooze myself into the middle of the seats with a bit of reach.

Toast was not happy with me, or Bleeder, for some odd reason, but we got there just fine. 

I was not keen on going into the vet clinic, or on the scale, or when they came to take me, but as usual, I was the perfect little princess and now my nails are perfect.

When we drove home, Bleeder adjusted the tether and I was unable to reach the seats and I'm still very angry about that. I spent the whole drive pouting.

New Year Resolutions

Happy New Year

That was me last night until neighborhood idiots started shooting off fireworks. Well, I certainly was not happy with all of the hullaballoo going on outside in the middle of the night. Loud explosions for no reason. 

If I was going to be up, then so were Bleeder and Toast. I'm told I'm a LOT more gentle in my insistence that they get up. Something about panting, clawing, and peeing. I need to work on my "wake your butts up, there's loud noises" alarm to meet those expectations. 

Honestly, I was just angry at being woke up, and I certainly wasn't going to go outside when all of that was going on... until I heard the back neighbor yappy dog yapping in their yard and then I had to go and out show her I wasn't afraid of loud noises.

I even pooped and scratched to show her. Silly little yappy dog.

After about an hour we all went back to bed. Between you and me, I think Bleeder planned the whole thing to get me out of bed because I had snagged the full foot of the bed from her.

Since I know a lot of you read my blog over your humans' shoulders, I just wanted to remind you all of the rules. Sure, the humans put so much stock in the whole "NEW YEAR", about starting anew, and doing silly things like buying treadmills that you can lounge on in about a month when it's not draped with clothing. 

They'll vow to take you on walks more frequently, and heck yeah, you need to hold them to that promise.

They'll take up some ridiculous hobby, like plants, or yoga, or violin. You must immediately destroy their work. They don't have enough time for that silliness, they must spend it all on you.

Also, you must continue your typical procedures to keep them on their feet:

Things left out in the open are fair game, this includes:

• Behind closed doors
• in cabinets
• in drawers
• on tables or shelving

Any treat handed to you must be sniffed carefully and treated with suspicion

Remember: anything handed to you could be hiding something like a pill, or a vitamin, or anything icky that is disguised as a tasty treat.

Never trust them... especially when they give you a tasty squeaker toy and then try to take it away "for later".

Happy New Year to you and get 2023 off to rousing start by stealing a whole rotisserie chicken from the kitchen counter. I'm counting on you!