The Wonders of Modern Medicine

The other day, Zim contacted me because his human woman was negligent in her walking duties.

It seems that unlike my human woman, Zim and Dave get twice daily walks and get to go see things all the time.  They actually have an ocean, and a giant's castle, and they get close up sniffs of kitties and things.

Me... well, this is what I see every day:

Yeah... how... exciting.

Today we got to do this:

This is us... snoopervising the workmen at the crappy foreclosed house next door.  We can't play with them, or even sufficiently make sure they are doing a good job (and from the looks of it on our deck vantage point... they aren't)... but I digress.

Zim was upset because his human woman was unable to walk them because of the pollen and some stupid fires that were intentionally set to keep stupid cedar trees from taking over the prairie (whatever the prairie is), and as Turbo says... just stupid.

So I mentioned the myriad of pharmaceuticals my human woman dumps into her body on an average day, and suggested that their human woman go buy some of them.  For instance, this is what my human woman looks like without Zyrtec:

She's like a living zombie shuffling around.  We can barely get her to feed us when she's in a pollen stupor, and I won't even go into the gacking she makes from the post nasal drip stuff... she's disgusting actually, except for the tasty kleenex she leaves around.

But after popping some allergy pills, she's the picture of vibrancy and pep:

um... ok, she's a living zombie drinking coffee... and this is why we never get out of the yard, but apparently it worked for Zim and Dave, and now they are back to getting their walks again.

Us... not so much.

Meeshka

Human Woman Training

Yes, its been a while since I last posted, but I've been very busy with remedial training for the Human Woman.

Training humans is a constant thing, and if you neglect their training, they do stupid things like:

• Not give you a treat for doing simple things
• Not feed you on time
• Not pet you when you want them to, and try to pet you when you don't want them to
• Put their dinner in a high place where you can't get it
• Think that you are actually a guest in their house.

The Mutatoe has been making sure that the Human Woman realizes that she is allowed to sleep on the bed only because its convenient for us.

Sam is making sure that they come running for the slightest whimper or woo.

My job is to ensure adequate treat dispensing (speaking of... the stupid robin built another tweet dispenser on the deck... I can't wait), and to lower the human's expectations.

For example:

 

I want in.  I was just in, and asked to go out.  The reaction time to letting me out was too slow, therefore now I want in again, but since the humans hardly ever ask us if we want to go out, but always tell us to come in, I require a treat to come inside.  The only time I get offered a treat to go outside is when the humans NEED me to go outside for some reason... therefore we refuse to go outside.

This test is to ensure that clear signals are recognized by the human and acted upon immediately (pant, pant... that's an inside joke with the humans who won't explain it to me either, but they think its funny).

Anyhoo, I go outside and then immediately want to come back inside. 

• If your human lets you out, then lets you right back inside... you have a good human.  
• If your human lets you out, then right back inside, then out, then inside, then out again... you either have a very good human, or a really stupid one.
• If your human lets you out, then in, then refuses to let you out again, then pee on the carpet to demonstrate the importance of letting you out.
• If your human gets tired of holding the door open while you stand there and closes the door, then you should claw at the door furiously and scream loudly to shame them and they'll open the door to keep the neighbors from calling the ASPCA.
• If your human gets tired of holding the door open while you stand there, then bribes you to come, then you have them sufficiently trained.

 Please ensure that your humans are adequately trained.

On another note, I want to send a woo out to Diefenbaker and the crew for their pawsome rendition of the HULA anthem.  Seriously, you need to check out these vocals.  I'm disappointed that they were dropped from Canine Idol early in the season, but I'm sure their recording contract will prove they have the chops (mmm pork chops) to make it in the music scene.

If you have a rendition of the HULA anthem you'd like to share, then send me the link and I'll give you a woo out.

Meeshka

Tantrum?

The Human Woman posted a video of me "throwing a tantrum".



It just shows you how feeble she is, I'm clearly trying to tell her that its been a whole 2 minutes since I had a treat and she needs to get off her lazy butt, put down the iPad, stop playing Angry Birds and feed me!

By the way, for the record: the only reason I would run and tell someone that gramps has fallen in the well is if gramps is holding a treat.

I'm glad I could clear that up.

Meeshka

Someone In Fulton County Has Good Taste

Every once in a while I do a Google search on myself to see who is saying what about me.  Its also a good way to find potential HULA members that I'm not aware of, and also add to my list of people that need to be clawed.

Imagine my surprise when I came across this tidbit of information.

Apparently some fine individual in District 39 of Fulton County, Georgia wanted me to be their state Senator!

The evidence is right here, and yes, I realize that someone else voted for Sam... but I don't think that counts because they didn't use his full name (Spineless Bionic hip/knee puppy Sam), therefore it was probably thrown out.

So, whoever you are in District 39 of Fulton County Georgia, a big woo out to you for your support.  Maybe we'll win in 2012 and as always, Livergreat for everyone!

On a personal note, I want to send a woo out to Millie of The Brat Pack.  It has come to my attention that she at one time aspired to become a HULA member, and was off to a good start by consuming mass amounts of pilfered spinach... but her Human Woman started shirking her blogging responsibilities and didn't follow up with documenting her HULA qualifications.  A note to the Brat Pack human woman:  no excuses now, get to it, or you'll get the claw!

- Meeshka

Update - I just realized that someone also voted for Loki, but once again, since it wasn't his official name (Mutatoe), I'm sure it was thrown out as well.

Phenobarbital recall!

Just a quick wooo to spread the word that there is a recall on a certain type of Phenobarbital because stupid humans put the wrong drugs in the wrong bottle.

Read the article, make sure you don't have these pills (the bottle and label will say Phenobarbital, but the pills inside may NOT be).  If you even suspect you have the wrong pills, don't give the pills to your dog because acetaminophen will cause all sorts of internal damage and possibly death.


Here's the link to the article, go read it, spread the word

Phenobarbital recall


- Meeshka

New HULA Members - Sparky and Patches

There are some pups who just jump right out at you and say "HULA" and Sparky did just that today with his amazing endeavors.

In just one day, Sparky has managed to encompass almost ALL of the HULA requirements, and he did so with flair!

First of all, he lives with a Human Woman named Kat... get it... like that isn't funny all by itself, but it gets better!  Yes, it actually gets better!

Sometime last night, Sparky and Patches ate an entire bag of uncooked rice.  Why?  Who cares, its funny, and it totally freaked out their human woman, who had to call a vet and explain what had happened. 

The icing on the HULA cake was this:

Yep, he killed a stuffie, and not only did he kill and shred the stuffie throughout the house, but when his Human Woman was cleaning it up... he dumped over her large caramel mocha coffee.  Bravo!  Way to add insult to injury, way to rub salt in the wound... BRILLIANT!!!!

I think its only fair, seeing how he's had to put up with this crap:

Not to ignore the contributions of Patches, who poses as a snuggle bug cutie pup most of the time:

He's actually a total nutcase that destroys the house if he's left alone without Sparky

Gosh, that's beautiful.

So, for all of your hard work and dedicated service to the global goal of driving humans insane... this HULA is for you!

Meeshka

Sorta Wordless Wednesday

I didn't get any breakfast this morning and I'm very angry.

I'm not speaking to the human woman.

New HULA Member: Teddy

Now, all of you may be wondering why a kitteh is being inducted into the HULA Hoop.  Cuz I said so, that's why... I mean, because every once in a while, your Queen has such a devious plan that sometimes she can't share the news with everyone until it needs to be told.

Its time to tell the tail of Teddy.

You see, Teddy is actually a very small husky puppy disguised as a kitteh.  Yep, this plot is so devious that I'm telling my whole entire world without fear that Teddy's owners will believe it!  Isn't that deliciously livergreat levels of evil!!!??!!!



Teddy "showed up" at the doorstep of Huffle's house one rainy day and put on an Oscar winning performance of pathetic homeless wet kitteh escapades, that Huffle's humans were totally fooled.  Huffle had been briefed beforehand and is still pretending to HATE Teddy, which is what we had planned all along.  While the humans are busy with Teddy and trying to make him more appealing to Huffle, Huffle is able to go about her covert activities without the humans watching her.  See just how EVIL this plan is???

Initially, Teddy was instructed to ensure that the humans would accept him into the household.  Using every minute of his extensive "How To Be Like a Kitteh" instruction, Teddy did cute kitteh things like:

The cute kitteh in the basket routine.  This always gets the humans, look how cute he is in the basket, isn't he adorable, how could we possibly throw him out into the cold cruel world aaaaaaawwww!

Once his humans took him to the vet (who couldn't find the ingenious zipper on the kitteh costume), and named him (his real name is "Majestic Snowgod of Powerderville" aka: Floofy), Teddy began to start his covert activities by:

Hiding in dark spaces waiting for the humans to walk by with bare feet so he could pounce on them and sink his razor sharp little costume kitteh claws into their flesh.

We did have a scary moment when Teddy was found doing this:

Yes, he's chewing on Huffle's human woman's shoes!  It was a true test of whether or not his covert actions would continue, because Huffle's human woman is a known shoe hoarder (with great taste), and we thought the jig was certainly up, because what kitteh actually chews on shoes.

Well, imagine our surprise when the reaction was not to boot Teddy out into the blistering Australian heat... or downpours... or flooding... seriously, who wants to live there... but anyhoo, nope.  Huffle's Human Woman simply got the camera and took a picture of Teddy... which is the ultimate moment of any husky's life and a true statement that we're fluffy and cute for a reason.

Welcome to the HULA Hoop dear Teddy.

Meeshka

New From MeeshCO

A friend of the Human Woman, we'll call her "Feather", sent this link to my Human Woman and suggested that since these panties were embedded with caffeine, that they would be perfect for traffic jams, because you could just suck on your panties. 


 I'll pause a moment while you all throw up.

Done? 

As disgusting as that sounds, it is the impetus for the next revolutionary idea straight from MeeshCO!

Yes, its LIVERGREAT PANTS!!!!!!

Why wait for the humans to give you treats when you can just walk right up to them and take a bite.  No more doing stupid tricks for treats, the Livergreat Pants© will free you to go about your business and snack when you want.  Made from only the finest Livergreat, the MeeshCO livergreat pants are guaranteed for freshness and tastiness no matter how long they are worn... and the stinkier the better!

Get your livergreat pants exclusively from MeeshCO, where dogs rule!

My Week in Review

Lets see... I clung to the last tiny bit of snow left on the deck, using the pillow technique that Zim taught me through his "how to build a snow fort" tutorials.  Zim is also suppose to send me some of his snow... but it hasn't arrived yet.  I'm sure it got lost in the mail.

Then I glared at the Human Woman because all of my snow downstairs was also melting, and not only that, but it started raining and washing it away faster.  This is my "Do something about this rain and make it snow" look.

I have had a few comments asking me if I sufficiently got back at the Human Woman for nearly poisoning me with Sam's pill.  The answer is most definitely YES.

Not only am I waking the humans up in the middle of the night for no reason (last night I climbed mount Human Man and stood on him until he yelled at me to get off of him), but every time the human woman sits down to pay attention to that stupid iPad thing, I do this:

Well, this would be where I had a video of me attacking the human woman... but blogger is being a butthead and won't upload it... harrumpf.

Today's festivities included the Human Woman making cookies.  But instead of the usual tasty peanut butter cookies, she made cookies that we can't have because they had chocolate in them.  Can you imagine that?  SERIOUSLY?  You're going to bake and NOT give us anything?

I mean SERIOUSLY!  Spineless Bionic hip/knee pup Sam even got off the Sleep Number bed because he smelled her baking and expected his cookies!

We totally guilted her into making us something tasty.

Ok, I totally blocked the oven until she did make us something.  We got our very own buttermilk biscuits hot from the oven and hand fed to us.  Yep, we know who rules the house.

Meeshka

Hoo That Funny Human Woman!

Wanna hear something funny?  Oh its a real knee slapper... if dogs had knees... well, we do have knees, its just a bit inconvenient to slap them when we laugh, but I'm sure you'll appreciate this real hoot of a funny story.

Yeah, so remember how I told you that Spineless Bionic hip/knee pup, Sam, was on antibiotics for a personal (sore pee pee) reason?  Yeah, and did I happen to mention that the specific antibiotics he was on is the very same antibiotics that I'm allergic to and make me horka if I have them?  Well, I may have neglected to mention that part, because why on earth would the human woman even bother to give me any of those pills, because they are for Sam and not for me and she knows that they make me horka?

Because the human woman is a moron and the other night while she was distracted with whatever delusional thoughts go on in that head of hers, she prepped us all some tasty livergreat and smooshed the Spineless pill in some livergreat and then gave us all our bits of mooshed livergreat and then said (wait for it, its a side splitter):

Wait a minute... where's Sam's pill?

Yep, that's right, she had no idea WHO she may have fed the livergreat smeared pill to!  Hello SPCA?

So what do you think the odds were that of three livergreat globs given to three dogs that the ONE dog that's allergic to the pill would get it... need a calculator for that one... want a hint?

I'm so freaking clawing her in her sleep.

Meeshka
I want another dinner now!