Saturday, December 09, 2006

New HULA Members: The Border Collie and Renzo Brigade

Just a reminder (Opy) all breeds (including labs) can become honorary HULA members if they document the 7 missions outlined in the HULA creed post.

I'd like to announce the latest members, a true team effort:

Since we are writing from a secret, undisclosed training camp, we have used satellite relay to hijack our person's e-mail account. Please feel free to use it to respond as we have a tracking link set- up to intercept any message from you before it reaches the person.

My pack and I would like to apply for special commando status as we generally find we do very good work when working in a team (though each of us has no problem fulfilling most of your seven requirements). We've attached a photo of the whole team here (from
left to right: Renzo, Pippin, Rafe, Tansy and Hamish) and hope that you'll consider us for your most important Jan. 1, 2007 mission and
any other missions for which you are in need of service.

1. Demonstrating disruptive behavior
Whenever a human picks up the phone and pushes the first button, we all leap up and race to the back door barking and spinning. We do the same thing for each of the following human actions: turning off the living room lamp; opening the trash can lid; answering the telephone;
saying the word "o.k."; closing a book; placing a newspaper or magazine on the coffee table after reading it and someone knocking on the door. We bark madly and in harmony at any person, dog, cat or squirrel who crosses into our territory, front or back. Hamish and Rafe wrestle on top of any human lying down on the bed or couch and
trying to take a rest. Here is a picture of our backdoor activities:

2. Cause human to freak out for no good reason
At least once a week, one of us acts lame so that the humans flip out and consider rushing us to the emergency vet. The best time was when Tansy jumped out of her crate and then wouldn't put her foot down-- the people were already in bed in their jammies and they leapt up. She really just wanted a good massage, which she got and then she put her leg down. We make our people feel bad for whatever they happen to be feeding us because really they should be making our food fresh every day (which they used to do when it was just Renzo). We also make them worry about our pack dynamics all the time by acting like we aren't friends and stealing each other's toys.

3. Cause human guilt
We make them feel bad about not training us every day by looking forlornly at them when they are doing other things--this usually results in treats. Renzo in particular looks pitiful when he is squirted with water for barking--and then he gets treats for sitting. Tansy gets two walks a day because the people feel guilty that she spent four years with no walks before she came to live with us and she hams that one up good with sorrowful eyes. Hamish pouts when he gets scolded and the people usually feel bad and give him a treat. Rafe is an annoying oaf which makes the people yell at him and then they feel bad because "he's trying to be a good boy and
doesn't know how". Pippin retreats to her crate to ponder the universe and the people feel bad that she is all by herself and try and entice her out with games and treats. The humans feel bad that we don't have our own sheep to herd, so they take us to lots and lots of training classes and they feel bad if one of us doesn't have one to go to, so they find one.

4. Destroy something
Collectively, we have destroyed: recycling bag, 8 pairs of shoes, at
least 15 of pairs of socks, many kitty toys, many doggie toys, various tuperware containers, two wooden spoons (one pictured below),
the pockets in most pairs of pants, the pockets in most pairs of
sleepy pants, the pockets in most fleece sweaters, the pockets in two coats, many random pieces of paper, several dog beds (destroyed both by chewing and soiling), the back of a couch, three expensive harnesses and Pippin almost burned the house down by turning on the stove, which meant the people had to buy a new one, and then to make it work they had to have some of the electricity redone--so it's kind of like we destroyed the kitchen.

5. Human behavior modification
Our people used to like to sleep in and they still try it once in a while, but we make them get up by 7 a.m. at the very latest. One of our people used to refuse to walk us when there was ice on the sidewalks, but we made her buy some clip-on things for her shoes so she could still take us. Our people used to watch T.V. once in a while, but we put the kybosh on that (unless they give us bones or stuffed Kongs). Our people used to go to movies, but we convinced
them that we are more entertaining than a stinking movie. Our people used to have dinner parties, but we told them that unless we could invite our friends, they couldn't invite theirs. Our people used to leave their clothes artfully piled on top of our sleeping crates, but
by eating the pockets, we disabused them of that laziness. Because of us, the humans have bought two new cars--first a station wagon and when that wasn't big enough, they traded it for a rolling living room (a.k.a. a mini-van)

6. Our humans don't actually dress us up, but they did create this
picture of Hamish as a military man

7. Love of Kleenax--
You've got to be kidding--this is child's play and we get Kleenax or Kleenex-like objects daily--it's almost like the people want us to have them, though Pippin and Rafe are best at ferreting the used ones out of pockets or trash cans.

We can send you any other information you might need and hope that you will call on us for any missions needing speedy, spinning,
rounding up kinds of actions.

Sincerely,
The Border Collie + Renzo Brigade

4 comments:

JustMeCopper said...

A HA! Someone ELSE soils their beds! I feel so redeemed!

Anonymous said...

Hamish is sooooooooooo dreamy! Um... I mean looks like such a good leader.
Love,
Amber

lucy said...

WOW! I am impressed with your list of credentials! I definately think you are up for the job. Keep up the good work and Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Thank you, thank you Meeshka--you will not be disappointed, we guarantee you.

The BC + Renzo Brigade