Sam's Spa Days

Just to show you how unfair my life is... I told you about how I went to the vet and got poked, prodded, and my precious nails stolen from me, and how the Human Woman pays for all of this torture with my poo.

When I mentioned the horrible trip to Mutatoe and Spineless Bionic Hip, Kneee... oh good gah, too many maladies to list Sam, he told me that he LOVED going on his car rides because he gets massaged, pampered, plenty of treats, and some laser thing that was warm and felt good.

Harumpf... seriously?

But that all changed the other week when he came home from his spa to announce that he had been duped all this time!  No doubt the massage and warm laser thing was just a trick to get him comfortable for THIS!

Holy Mother of everything wrong, what is this thing I'm in???

No, there must be a horrible mistake, I'm suppose to be in the dimly lit room with soothing music getting my massage and warm laser, let me out!

OHMYGAH!  There's water!  WATER IS FILLING THE TANK EVERYONE GET OUT!

CAN'T YOU SEE THE WATER, WE'LL ALL DROWN!!

HELP!!!!

HELP ME, STOP LAUGHING THS ISN'T FUNNY!!!

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?????

Oh yeah, he was NOT happy at all when he came home and told me all about the horror.

He did everything possible except call the SPCA on the Human Woman the next week she dragged him out of the house and to the watery icky treadmill.

"It's for your well-being, it will make you stronger and happier" she kept saying.

Well... the second week he came home and pretty much threw himself in his crate and wouldn't move.  he was really creaky (angry) and sore.

The Human Woman didn't seem to bat an eyelash at it the first 2 days, but when he didn't seem any better by day 3... or 5... she got all concerned and worried and fretted and freaked out.

When Friday rolled around, she dragged poor Spineless out to the truck again, but this time he came back all happy again.  Apparently the underwater treadmill torture is too much for his gimpy body, and so he's back to getting his massages and warm laser.

Well played Sam... well played!

- Meeshka

My Trip to the Vet

I knew this was coming because I overheard the Human Woman tell the Human Man that she had to take me to the vet for my rabies vaccine and (gasp) nail clipping.

Thankfully the weather was horrendous.  Torrential downpour of rain at the very moment we had to leave for the vet.  I set about my diabolical plan of refusing to get into the truck.  No amount of bribing, cajoling, or threatening would get me into the truck... until I was sufficiently wet.

It is well known in the Siberian Husky world that we huskies have amazing double coats.  The scotch-guarded top coat that allows us to wallow in mud and yet just shake it off, and the downy soft undercoat that comes out in clumps during our shedding season (which lasts approximately 364 days a year).

If we stay out in the rain long enough, all of that water soaks into our downy undercoat and stays there like a giant sponge.  If we loaded up with enough water, we could slowly trot across the largest desert and still be damp and hydrated when we got to the other side.

Once I was sufficiently loaded up with water, I then jumped into the back of the truck... and waited.

Yes, you have to choose your moments wisely.  Too early and the water distribution is not sufficient enough for a reaction.  Too late and the torrent of water is wasted... you must wait until the Human Woman is buckled into the driver's seat, and preferably when she's on a busy highway and concentrating really hard... and then you shake.

The containment of the truck, the closed windows all make for the perfect environment for the spray of cold hairy shake water.  It's best if you can position yourself in the middle of the front seats for the best effect.

Then you laugh and laugh

This also means that once you arrive at your destination, you are dry and pretty, while the Human Woman...

... not so much.

I made sure to make my disdain for the place known with a very well placed poo, which was immediately gathered in a green plastic bag and given to the person at the front desk.  I can only assume that my poo is so precious that it is used as a form of payment and explains why the Human Woman gathers it daily.

As usual, I was forced into a horrible little room that smelled of other dogs who had undergone horrendous procedures, like temperature taking, and teeth looking, and even ... finger in the po-po.

I asked politely if I could leave... and was denied.

I was dragged, screaming, to the back room of torture.  You must scream before they do the procedures, because it keeps them off-guard and they feel bad for making you scream... and it also warns other dogs from miles around that this is the place where bad things happen.

With my precious and well sharpened claws clipped, I was escorted back to the little room where they listened to me breath, poked me in the po-po, then jabbed me with a sharp needle.

I was then taken to the shop of many good smells and encouraged to pick out something special.  I can only surmise that this offer was out of pure guilt, and that by refusing everything offered to me caused the Human Woman even more guilt.  It is worth not having a new chewbone to cause her more anguish.

She finally took me home where I was questioned and sniffed by the Mutatoe and Bionic Hip, Knee, Spineless Underwater Treadmill dog Sam.  I told them of the horrors of my trip and warned them against going anywhere with the Human Woman.  Sam scoffed and said that all of his trips out were relaxing and fun... he is clearly delusional.

Thankfully I am strong enough to overcome such attempts to diminish my dignity.

You will have to try harder Human Woman and I shall defeat you every time!

- Meeshka

There Was This

When the Mutatoe wants in his "spot", he wants in his "spot".

SNOW!!!

We FINALLY got some snow!!!  Lots of snow!!!  Beautiful snow!!!!

We wanted to go run in it... but of course Bionic Hip/Knee Spineless Sammy wanted to run too

Don't know why she freaks out like that... snow is soft, if he falls he can't break too many things... he's pretty much out of original parts anyways.

- Meeshka

Mutatoe vs Snow

Mutatoe came inside after running around in the snow acting like he fractured his back leg.

The screaming, the limping, the pathetic wailing and yodeling...

Even the snow kicks his ample ass.

- Meeshka

We Got Baths

Once again, it is that time of the year... not Christmas, although Fleas of a Dog is a Christmas tune sung by Jose Feliciano, and that is what we had... lots of fleas.

I hate fleas and blame the crappy hot weather.  We didn't have any snow last year (none that I could build a mountain out of and lay on) so the whole icky yard was filled with them.

The Human Woman did her best to try to eradicate them using all sorts of pretty smelling and dog friendly concoctions, including one that made us smell like old people cedar chests (and actually that did the trick as far as the house went), but they were still on us, so that meant....

BATH!

She tricked us into the downstairs bathroom that doesn't have a tub, just a walk in shower.

Mutatoe fell for their trick first and spent the entire time screaming, screeching, yodeling, howling, squirming, and generally sounding like the time the chair kicked his ample ass.

I went next, but only because they literally dragged me into the room kicking and screaming.  Honestly it felt pretty good... kinda soothing and with hints of oatmeal and some other stinking thing, but not a good dead stinky thing, which would have been great.  I really do feel that if dog shampoo manufacturers made "Stinky Dead Roadkill That's Been Sitting on a Highway for Five Days in the Hot Sun" smelling dog shampoo, dogs would love baths.
  

Next was Sam, who requires a "no-slip" mat, bubble wrap, cushions, a sling, tongs and extra house insurance to keep him from breaking something else.  I swear, you just look at him wrong and something breaks.

 We were dried off somewhat by the leaf blower, and then per the rules of all dogs, we finished drying off by rolling on the bedcovers.

It's what we do.

Pupdate

Yes, yes, yes, I know, it's been FOREVER since I've posted... sorry, been very busy, plus the human woman refused to move the computer near the cold air vent.  eeesh.

So... what's been going on.

Fleas for one.  Stupid things.  Can't get rid of them.  Ticks too.  It's the start of some kind of dogpocalypse or something I fear.  Ok, I blame the weather people for not giving us enough snow to kill those things off these past few years.  I better see some snow this year... just sayin.

The Spineless Bionic Hip, Knee dog, Sam, broke again.

This time they really thought he broke something important and expensive.  Luckily he just twerked his non-bionic hip and knee... or was that tweaked... I get those mixed up.

So, he was sequestered down in the official recovery room with the Human Man, and pampered like I should be getting pampered.

I told him that I knew he was making more of a deal out of it than he was acting, but he bribed me to keep quiet.  Hey, I'll take that.

Then the Human Man got sickly, so it was two sickly pack members downstairs and I was stuck upstairs with the Human Woman and the Mutatoe... ugh.  He took up the whole bed!

The Human Woman took us both for a walk to get us out of the house... probably to try to flee the horrible germs percolating in that house.

Then I decided that there was no way, no how, not ever, ever, ever I was EVER going to go into the yard again because the Human Woman hadn't "picked up" in a while.

Ok, seriously humans, you flush the porcelain water bowl every time you "go" into it, why is it so hard to "flush" our yard once in a blue moon?  Huh?

Since I refused to go in the yard, and apparently pooping on the deck is abso-fricken-lootly out of the question (per the Human Woman), the humans took matters into their own hands... meaning they put my harness on me and tried to convince me that leash walking me in the yard was the same as "taking a walk".  I was not fooled.

Two things came out of this incident:

1.) The Human Woman is very quick with cleaning the yard every day, and

2.) They got to try a new leash on me, which I'll be reviewing in my next post tomorrow, so stay tuned, you won't want to miss that festival of fun.

- Meeshka

Mutatoe Versus Butterfly

I mean, do I really need to go into any great detail about how that ended up.

He's an embarrassment to all huskies.

- Meeshka

Pupdate

Yes, yes, I know, I have been neglecting my blog again, but there's only so much a Queen can do between naps and eating.

We had an exciting visitor a few weeks ago.  The world-famous Iditarod Musher Karen Ramstead came to stay at my house.  I was very excited to see her, despite that fact that she misspelled my name on an autograph picture of her and her team of Pretty Sled Dogs.

I was all set to let bygones be bygones until she sat me down and had a little talk with me about my fluffiness.

You've let yourself go a bit, Meeshka

Of course I was angry at the time... I mean seriously?  I'm the Queen!  I can do what I want, and if I want to be big and blobby, then I'll be big and blobby! What do you mean diet?  I will get a cookie when I want a cookie!

Of course, she is absolutely right.  I've been in a bit of a slump recently.  I think it hit me when I turned 11 and realized that my dream of winning Westminster wasn't going to be, and for some reason my modeling career just didn't take off.  I may have binged a bit in the past few years, not skittered as much as I should, and have pretty much allowed the suck-up Mutatoe to do most of the work around the house.

I even admit that I haven't even done a lot of Human Woman clawing, which is the mainstay of my exercise routine.  Having a chance to sit down with Karen and discuss things, learning that just because you are getting a bit older, that doesn't mean you have to just let yourself go and be a fluffy blob.

I immediately demanded that the Human Woman feed me less, and give me more nutritional treats.  I've been trying to get back into shape by sensible clawing and chasing the Human Woman.  I've even restarted my morning routine of attacking her when she tries to snooze the alarm.  I'm taking it slowly, I don't want to pull a muscle, but I think I'm back on track to getting my svelte girlie figure back.

Of course, before starting a new exercise routine, it's best to get to the vet and get a check-up to make sure I was ok to start my new routine.  I have to admit that I wasn't too keen to get in the truck.  The last time I got in the truck to the vet, they put me out, clipped my nails and cleaned my teeth.  Then two weeks later I went back in and they ripped out my po-po... then when I went back they ripped out the po-po stitches.  The vet and the truck ride are not my favorite thing right now.

One of the good things about being overweight is that when I refused to jump into the truck, the Human Woman couldn't pick me up.

This allowed me to skitter about, sniff some interesting grass, and then at my own leisure, and once the Human Woman was covered in sweat and about to get frantic... jump into the truck.  She didn't seem to laugh at my little trick.

Now, I know the routine, I go to the vet, they steal my blood and want some of my poo... so  I kindly made a poo deposit right in front of the clinic.  Hey, that's why they have the little bag container and trash bin right there... right?  They want fresh, there's your fresh poo.

I got the usual poking, jabbed, nail clipping, and a finger up my po-po to make sure no oogie things were trying to grow back (there weren't any) and then back home we went.  Apparently I get to have three of the tasty "creaky bones" that Spineless blah blah blah Sam gets because I'm getting older, but the vet gave me the OK to resume my clawing and skittering.

So, that's all good... and in other news, Mutatoe was attacked by a curtain and got his ample ass kicked yet again.

- Meeshka

What The Heck

Eeesh, time flies when you are totally inconvenienced!

The humans have been wrapped up in one drama after another, and two of the dramas included me... because I am the drama Queen!  But my well thought out dramas were thwarted!  THWARTED I TELL YOU! 

Firstly, I needed my teeths cleaned.  They were horrible.  I admit, I'm not about to allow the Human Woman to brush my teeth.  No!  No.Way. Never!

The Humans took me to the v.e.t.  At the v.e.t. they poked my leg and stole my blood, and apparently the blood was good, so then they starved me by not feeding me breakfast, hauled me to the v.e.t. left me there ALL DAY WITHOUT FOOD, the v.e.t. gave me a jab to make me sleep, and the next thing I know, my teeths are cleaned and I'm all woozy.

Ok, I know this routine, I'm fine with it.  The Humans will pick me up, take me home, shower me with love and treats and let me have my way throughout my lands... no.

The Human Woman shows up, I'm still all woozy, throws me in my personal limousine, drives me home, and when I get there... there's all sorts of loud, humming, air blowing machines in my house.  IN.MY.HOUSE!!!

While I was gone getting my teeths cleaned, the refrigerator blew a hose and flooded MY HOUSE!  So, while I was summarily shoved out on the deck, a bunch of people come into MY HOUSE and ripped up a bunch of it and put the loud obnoxious fans and dehumidifier things all over the place.  MY HOUSE sounded like the inside of an airport!!!!  Did I mention that I was HUNGRY???

Did I get fed at my normal time?  NO!  Did they feed me at the ungawdly 8pm time??? Yes finally!!!  Did I mention I was still woozy and nearly oozed down the deck stairs when I had to pee??  YES!  Did I mention that I didn't get any special treatment at all?????

Oh the woomanity!!!

The only saving grace was the ample amount of Livergreat I got with the icky antibiotic pills I had to take twice a day.

So, the loud fans left after a few days, then there was a flurry of work people coming in to look at the damage, write stuff down, leave, then more people coming in and doing this, that, and the other thing, all the while I'm shoved outside with the Mutatoe, or locked in my crate where I can't sufficiently smell these people and deem whether they are worthy of entering my domain...

Then a week after my horrible dental experience, out of the blue, the Human Woman looks at my po-po!  AT.MY.PO-PO!  There was something growing on my po-po.

I don't know what it was, it's not like I can look back there!  Next thing I know... I'm back in my personal limousine on the way to the v.e.t again and horror of all horrors, a whole bunch of people started looking at my po-po and touching my po-po, and sticking their fingers in my po-po! 

But wait, it gets worse... the Humans LEFT ME THERE!!!!!!  I mean seriously!!!  No soft cushy sleep number bed, no cold air vent, just throw me in the back room in a big crate thing and left me!

SERIOUSLY!!!!!

Next day, jab, fall asleep and wake up and there are STITCHES IN MY PO-PO!!!  My sacred po-po has been defiled!!!!!

Back home we go, and thankfully there were no annoying work people and fans and chaos... and I was sufficiently pampered, given a nice pain pill and some antibiotics and was scratched in all of the right itchy places.

The next day, the Mutatoe decided he wanted to play, and batted me on the po-po with his mutatoe... he only did that ONCE

A few days later the Human Woman got a phone call and was very happy because apparently the thing on my po-po was not a bad po-po thing.

So, I thought... that's good, all of that unpleasantness is over with.

Um, no, the real horror was to come when in two weeks I got drug AGAIN into the v.e.t. and I was held tightly and the v.e.t. proceeded to cut the sutures out of my po-po and YANK THEM OUT! 

The screaming, the wailing, the yodeling... and that was even after they were removed... hey, nobody told me they were done.

Thankfully that's all over with... until next month when I'm due for my vaccines... sigh.

I'll try to blog more... seriously.

The Most Annoying Dog in the World

I now present: The Mutatoe!  Most annoying dog in the world!

Seriously... I don't know, don't even ask

Meeshka