Monday, July 25, 2005

The Art of Squeeky

The human woman today asked me my opinion of squeeky toys.

My response: much like the small edible toys we find in the yard on occasion, they don't last long enough.

When I first arrived at the house, there were a LOT of squeeky toys. I love squeeky toys, except for their lack of resiliency. Typically they only lasted about 5 minutes (less than 60 seconds once I found the trick to gutting them).

Initially I thought their intended purpose was to train me for bigger, faster prey in the yard. Squeeky toy is thrown (simulating the prey escaping), squeeky toy is caught, then gutted in the fastest amount of time, much like a human rodeo. Every time I'd gut one, the humans would look at me with disapproval, take away the remains, and so I thought that I didn't gut it fast enough. They were very hard to please, those humans. Here I was, ripping and shredding as fast as possible, and they still weren't happy with my times!

One day, the stuffing was just too tasty to waste, and since I knew the humans would not be happy with how slow I was and would take it away, I decided to eat it. It was tasty.

A few hours later, nature called, so I performed my duties in the yard (in front of everyone, how demeaning), and once I was done, I stood up, but something bumped into the backs of my legs. It scared me! I turned around quickly, but something kept hitting me, so I ran for my life!

The human woman was laughing! She could see that something was chasing me, but wouldn't get it away from me, wouldn't help me! They put me in the truck and (so embarrassing) took me to a place so OTHER PEOPLE COULD MAKE FUN OF ME!

These new people kept looking at my butt, chuckling. They made me lay down on a dark table and took pictures of my insides, then left me, probably to show them to the humans so they could laugh too. It was very distressing.

A few minutes later, the strange humans took me outside where I was finally able to rid myself of the hitchhiker. On the ride home, the humans kept saying "couldn't poop it out BEFORE they charged us for an x-ray". Um, hello? Do I ask you to poop on command in the middle of the yard? Out in the rain (ick) and bugs, and tickly po-po grass? No, so shut up!

After that they got new squeeky toys without innards. I thought for sure I'd please them with the squeeky removal time, since all that is involved is flipping open a pocket on the stomach, but no. 3 seconds flat is not good enough for them.

When the step brothers came, all squeekies got put away because they don't know how to share and be nice and give me their squeekies when I want them.

So, my opinion on squeeky toys... too much stress!

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